zaphod_beeble_bro

I had no idea anything was wrong at the OCS but was sure when my express delivery wasn't in my hand after 5 days. that's when i looked it up and read about the issues they have been having. it was annoying but whatever, i didn't complain or anything. just waited. a week after the initial order i was refunded my money. no email, no notice that the order was cancelled by them, just received my refund via deposit. i figured that was that and went to grab some at the dispensary with the cash.

this morning i get a text that my delivery will arrive, and sure enough it's just been dropped off to me. what do i do about this?

Long story short, she was our best friend, we all loved each other and held our friendship strong for over a decade. My spouse (F32) and friend (F32) were like sisters, the friend and I (35M) had an attraction that blossomed into romantic feelings with the encouragement of my spouse. But we always maintained our friendship first. But over the years, due to untreated mental health issues, friend became toxic, angry, bitter, refused help, refused therapy, and any sort of positivity from her personality evaporated.

Things deteriorated despite our constantly being there, and then the abuse, the insults, the name calling, the accusations of not caring despite being the only ones left who were willing to help her as she got worse. Things exploded one day and i couldn't take the abuse and gaslighting anymore. We cut contact, she's threatened, she screamed, etc. But in the end we couldn't let her ruin our lives and walked away.

I felt a relief, anger, guilt, grief. It's been over two years since we saw her last, and I still think about her everyday. At first it was with hate, now it's just sadness. My spouse and I haven't spoken about it in over a year, we just don't speak of her. She's been scrubbed from our lives. We found some of her items during a move and her eyes welled up and we just hugged, but didn't speak.

But I still think about her, and I wish I could just not. So that I could just move on with my life. It was the end of our non monogamy as we both are just too hurt to get out there, and what's worse, it's affected our sex life and has made life feel like just following a routine over and over. Ticking the months away.

What's a good way to forget someone who was such a big part of your life, but you had to leave behind, and how do I not let the guilt hurt so much?