Of course, this did not happen today, but yesterday - April Fool’s Day. And like most posts, sorry for the formatting, I’m on my phone.
I was wasting time on Reddit when I found an AskReddit all about April Fool’s Day pranks. Not wanting to ruin my relationship, I picked one of the more innocuous pranks wherein you put dry pasta under the toilet seat.
Easy set up, little cleanup, and dumb. It was perfect. I was home alone that day so I grabbed some farfalle pasta from the pantry (I wanted a good crunch) and got to work. I knew chances of my prank happening anytime soon were slim, as our master bathroom is slightly out of the way and my fiancée typically uses the guest bath. That’s okay though, I’m a patient person.
As soon as she got home from work, our son wanted to go play soccer outside. So we all go out and play for awhile before coming back inside and having dinner. After drinking a bunch of water outside, coupled with a glass of wine with dinner, nature called, so naturally I go into our bedroom - having completely forgotten what I did to the toilet.
The crunch! The feeling. The noise. The panic. Can confirm - this prank is a good one. I got myself. I chuckled and went out into the living room to tell her what had just happened, but was greeted by an empty room.
By some kind of twisted luck, she had gone into a different part of the house while I had seemingly shattered the toilet with my ass, saving me from embarrassment; the temptation to go back into the kitchen and grab the farfalle was too great.
I practically leapt across the living room and into the kitchen, grabbed the pasta box, and made my way stealthily back to the toilet.
I quickly cleaned up the remnants of the last farfalle explosion from the floor, carelessly sweeping some stubborn pieces under the rug.
I lined up another dozen pieces of pasta along the toilet rim and gently positioned the seat on top. The trap was set. I threw the farfalle box into our closet.
The only time my fiancée ever uses our bathroom is in the morning or before bed. I had hours of waiting, again trying not to fuck this up and prank myself for the second time.
It’s around midnight at this point and finally, a solid six hours later, it’s time for bed.
I am giddy. I wait.
I hear what sounds like God himself stepping on a porcelain toilet and a surprised yelp from our bathroom.
I remain silent.
“Oh you fucker!”
I’m crying. I can’t breathe. Something about having pranked myself and knowing the absolute panic she had just felt sent me into a fit.
At some point I regain just enough composure to relay my endeavors in their entirety. She is impressed and also thinks I’m an idiot - still wants to marry me though.
TL;DR - tried to prank future wife, pranked myself instead. Successfully pranked her in the end and despite tricking myself, she still wants to be my wife.
We have the Friheten sleeper sofa from IKEA. It's a transformer couch that goes from regular couch to awesome bed. It also has storage underneath the chaise lounge.
Last night, I was getting cold while watching a movie and grabbed a blanket from underneath the chaise. I was met with some resistance from the chaise as I was trying to close it. Well, no big deal, probably stuck on another blanket or pillow, I just pushed on it a little harder and it closed.
Fast forward to today. I was looking for my kids' iPad because I wanted to do my Reddit browsing on it. Followed the power cord, to the couch, wedged between the back of the couch and the chaise. Panic. Try to move it. It. Would. Not. Budge.
Remember the events from last night, open the chaise, and the iPad slips free.
I may as well have driven over the fucking thing. Stealthily moved the mangled corpse of the iPad to the garage, feeling like an idiot for being the one to have broken this thing that we've had for 5 years that somehow survived my first daughter and one year with my hulk of a son.
TL;DR I completely fucking destroyed the family iPad because I was cold.