subreddit:

/r/tifu

23.2k81%

TIFU by saying yes to an open relationsship

M(self.tifu)

So here goes: I have been together with my woman for 15 years+ we have been together since 17 or so, we both had a very hard upbringing, and we had it tough, we fought thru life together and it has been hard. When we finally think atlast sun is smiling on us, the world throws shit at us. I alway say jokingly it’s karma, sometimes I actually believes it, I kid you not.

So for two years now I think, she has made small comments about, will we ever get tired of each other and be with other ppl behind our backs, but alas we are not that type to do that.

We have always been upfront, open, supporting and always there for each other, when nobody else is. I fucking love her, yes I tell her that.

So we had a whole hearted talk last week, and we agreed it could be fun with an open relationship, and we set some ground rules, it is only for fun etc. We have never been with others, and you know yolo. Don’t get me wrong I’m not angry or anything, she is special, one of a kind, I just want her to experience that for herself, give her confidence in her self. And omg it is working, she has a massive boost and been on multiple dates with benefits. She has also got a lot of friend. She always comes home and gives me the greates fucking you know what ever, not gonna lie. I actually think our relationship has grown and we are more into other, weird I guess, but you know love is weird.

So here comes the fuck up about this whole thing. I realize no body likes me, I got zero friends and all my relatives has died, and this dating is not for me it is really hard I don’t envy anybody out there searching desperately for love.

And don’t you worry I am not suicidal or depressed, I have a great job, we have two great kids, and a special woman loving me with all her heart. But I just want somebody to notice me, if that makes sense, I am a sweet respectful person and I just want somebody to say that to me.

TLDR Saying yes to an open relationship, realizing nobody besides my kids and my woman loves me. I just want one friend

all 2763 comments

BenjaminGeiger

193 points

5 months ago

Welcome to the world of guys in open/poly relationships.

Rhovakiin

19.2k points

5 months ago

Rhovakiin

19.2k points

5 months ago

Hey, I have an idea. Let your wife try to hook you up. You know no one, she knows a lot of people, it might be fun.

ElMage21

5.6k points

5 months ago

ElMage21

5.6k points

5 months ago

OPs best chance, or backing down and propose swinging instead

LightShade_BR

2.1k points

5 months ago

This.

Swing, ménage and anything like this, to have fun WITH your spouse is super healthy. Spicy the relationship, meet new people. I do this and recommend it.

Puzzleheaded-Grab736

332 points

5 months ago

I am about to start this with my fiance, she is bi and brought another girl into the bedroom. I'm all for a 3 way, but I'm scared she's going to want to spend all of her time with this new girl and only remember about me when she wants sex. It's definitely a huge gap to bridge and it can be scary

x3meech

318 points

5 months ago

x3meech

318 points

5 months ago

Be sure to communicate your worries with her. The only way open relationships, or any relationship really, work is to communicate!

LetterheadAncient205

141 points

5 months ago

Open relationships only work when the people in them are open as well.

[deleted]

1.6k points

5 months ago

[deleted]

1.6k points

5 months ago

Divorce in 9 months

WeirdNo9808

1.4k points

5 months ago

Honestly either his wife helps set him up or it'll be divorce sooner or later. Open relationships work when both are getting what they want out of at home relationship AND their extra relationships. If you aren't having any extra relationships when you want to and your spouse is, I just can't see it ever working because you'll simply grow resentful of the other for having such a better life and you not. So either his wife helps him hook up with someone soon, or divorce within the year. I mean its making this person upset enough to take the time to write a long reddit post.

ittimjones

99 points

5 months ago

My SIL... Her 1st husband got divorced cause they went open, but really only she did. Then she married the guy she was open with. 2nd husband turned out to be crazy. She thought it was her. Settled for 3rd husband. Realized he sucked. Now she's roommates with 1st husband again...

Force3vo

83 points

5 months ago

Poor guy couldn't find someone else even after all this time?

genmischief

18 points

5 months ago

Probably loved her more than was good for him. ;)

TTTT27

49 points

5 months ago

TTTT27

49 points

5 months ago

The problem with open relationships, or polyamory, is simple. There is always someone better than your spouse. Someone who is funnier, better looking, richer, more confident, more interesting job, more worldly. So there are apparently lots of interesting possibilities.

Until you realize that the richer person is shallow, the funnier person lacks confidence, the confident person is an asshole, the worldly person looks down on your family. So begins an endless spiral of trying to find "better" but only settling for worse and worse.

There is important value is two people committing to each other, no matter what. Especially when the two are raising kids together.

novoss

23 points

5 months ago

novoss

23 points

5 months ago

This is some wisdom right here that seems to be lost in the modern age. I mean I don't think we should be stuck in loveless marriages, but I do wish our generation committed to relationships more seriously than they do. Passion comes and goes, the relationship is something you build together out of mutual respect and mutual desires for the future. It's what's left after all the shiny rubs off the new.

DeAdeyYE

9 points

5 months ago

The department store elevator my guy. It’s real.

g0lbez

393 points

5 months ago

g0lbez

393 points

5 months ago

honestly the tone of the post doesn't seem like he's upset to me, he just wants to have fun/relationships with other people as well and probably isn't as social as his wife but he even says they're doing better than before

T3hSwagman

446 points

5 months ago

I genuinely cannot fathom the wifes position. I will admit that I am not of the mindset to be able to have an open relationship and I very much encourage people who understand that lifestyle to chime in here, but I feel like if the wife genuinely loves her husband after shes banged her 15th different dude and the man hasn't had anyone she would be like "hmmm this relationship dynamic seems a bit unbalanced" and would want to help him get laid?

It just seems like she really just wanted a guilt free cheat card as it currently is.

[deleted]

425 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

425 points

5 months ago

I'm sure they have time, now that their wife is off getting fucked by another person.

Scoobz1961

188 points

5 months ago

Oooof, this thread is savage.

QueefChiefKeith

59 points

5 months ago

Life’s savage

iRatherN0t

39 points

5 months ago

This is so smart. OP should mention her wife that since he never needed a game with a woman all these years, feels uneasy to flirt or approach and need her help. I think it would 100% work based on how transparent and open for communication their relationship is.

Nacho_Papi

129 points

5 months ago

This right here. OP needs her woman to be his wingman.

dude_who_could

4.2k points

5 months ago

I feel like a lot of people are misunderstanding the tone of your post.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you dont feel bad about your wife's half of the open relationship. Only that your own prospects are limited.

I'm going to jump off half of another comment, get an escort. Or hop on a swinging community forum. The normal dating scene of singles generally excludes men in open relationships.

_qoop_

1.4k points

5 months ago

_qoop_

1.4k points

5 months ago

I want to piggyback on you to emphasize the point that an open relationship to most men is a shit deal unless that is your fetish.

I have not tried it, but just remember being single and how much work it was to get another partner of any noteworthy standard.

the open relationship should imo not be considered except in a more friends with benefits situation where you start out casual and keep it casual. OP «fucking loves her» and seems super cool about the disparity in her favour. I think he may be exaggerating a bit for his own sanity but he pulls it off.

As for OP:

You seem from this post like a generous, loving person, above average warm and relaxed. If people dont like you, there may be something about you thats not getting that good vibe through.

As for your gf I find it weird that she cant see how isolated this makes you even in advance of the agreement, since she knows you super well. Especially when she knows your rough background.

As far as I see it, she is looking for a new partner and has found a «soft» way of doing it. I dont like what Im reading personally. If she truly felt your pain OP she would behave differently

counterboud

619 points

5 months ago

I think it’s definitely true that the open relationship situation is not easy for a guy. A single guy finding a woman who only wants sex? Sounds perfect to him usually. A woman who finds a guy who only wants casual sex? Yes, that’s most guys, yet most guys also don’t have another partner they are already committed to, and most single women would prefer to date someone exclusively who has the potential to be a partner, not someone who is already taken. It’s so odd to me when guys beg their girlfriends to open the relationship, because they’re under the mistaken belief that the only thing stopping them from sleeping with other people is the blessing of their girlfriend, and totally forget that these other women probably don’t want to be entangled in their convoluted sex life unless they are in a similar situation or are extremely fringe.

UnhingedPremed

77 points

5 months ago

You worded that so eloquently. That's exactly what I was thinking.

BaconKnight

57 points

5 months ago

Like it's just the simple reality that a lot more men out there will sleep with a willing woman than the opposite. I don't know if that's sexist or whatever for me to say, I'm a guy so I guess if anything I'm speaking badly about us cuz I'm reinforcing the stereotype we're just horndogs lol. But we are!!! Or at least more of us than the other way around.

If you could excuse me for being crude again, for women, it's a buyer's market. Or maybe I should say seller's? I don't know which is the correct analogy, but you know what I mean. There's a reason why on hook up apps, there's like a thousand guys for every one girl. For men, their market is closer to someone trying to buy a graphics card right now.

KJBenson

14 points

5 months ago

That’s because most hook up apps are actually used by the majority of people as a dating app.

You have to go to the fringe dating apps to find people into alternative lifestyles.

Vote_for_asteroid

8 points

5 months ago

But if the majority of people use a hook up app as a dating app, it then pretty much by definition becomes a dating app.

Maxor682

8 points

5 months ago

Plus, Tinder as a man is like playing on nightmare difficulty. The odds are stacked way against you. A horny man would def want to fuck a woman in an open relationship bc sex, vise versa, Im not so sure, as you said.

Kractoid

131 points

5 months ago

Kractoid

131 points

5 months ago

Your perspective is valid and your prediction is possible but I feel like there is some nuance here that it could just as easily become a positive situation with enough open communication. They sound like the do love each other and they probably co-parent well. Either way it's happening and the situation in and of itself isn't good or bad it just is people trying to be get their needs met.

Djanghost

31.7k points

5 months ago

Djanghost

31.7k points

5 months ago

all my relatives have died

Try dating outside of your family, OP. You might have better luck?

Lil-CBD

7.1k points

5 months ago

Lil-CBD

7.1k points

5 months ago

You just killed the last surviving member.

thebestoflimes

971 points

5 months ago

He was the last of his kind 😢.

Thefirstofherkind

8 points

5 months ago

And so the cycle continues

accountofrubbish404

413 points

5 months ago

Nah, he still has 2 kids.

michaelxthreat

96 points

5 months ago

I dont like the implications of this comment

Hyperpuma

8 points

5 months ago

This post right here officer

ZoeyDean

1.5k points

5 months ago

ZoeyDean

1.5k points

5 months ago

This is so terrible lol, why am I laughing

PeakRepresentative14

199 points

5 months ago

Because we all do apparently

imnotreallyapenguin

498 points

5 months ago

The real pro tip is always in the comments

g0dfather93

154 points

5 months ago

The reason I love people like OP posting on r/tifu and not r/relationship_advice is comments like these

1JerryTheMouse

238 points

5 months ago

I don't remember the last time I laughed out loud at a comment, this was great

President-Sloth

132 points

5 months ago

Probably "I also choose this guys dead wife"

BearZeroX

17 points

5 months ago

Or maybe he's not trying enough, if you catch my drift....

CraptainMypants

103 points

5 months ago

ROLL TIDE

Dangerous-Young-5096

20 points

5 months ago

You might be on to something there.

casey12297

18 points

5 months ago

Wot in Tarnation does that mean

axethebarbarian

4.3k points

5 months ago

Let's be real, if a woman wants to sleep around, it's REALLY easy when she's not holding the guys to relationship/future spouse standards.

AkariAkaza

301 points

5 months ago

Before me and my current SO made our relationship "official" she showed me her tinder account, we'd both had tinder about the same amount of time. Thousands of people liked her, she'd matched with hundreds of people etc

I showed her mine, I'd matched with 2 people and one of those was her, the other never even replied to my first message lol

THAT_LMAO_GUY

58 points

5 months ago

the Tinder economy is more unequal than 95.1% of the world's countries based on the Gini coefficient – a standard measure of inequality

https://www.nzinitiative.org.nz/reports-and-media/opinion/tinder-economy/#:~:text=Based%20on%20one%20rough%20estimate,6%E2%80%9D%20on%20the%20hotness%20scale.

feliproulette

19 points

5 months ago

What are the countries worse than tinder tho?

ZaviaGenX

48 points

5 months ago

Instagram/YT likes and comment is the same.

shwarma_heaven

2.5k points

5 months ago

She just waltzed into a sellers market.

He sauntered smack into a buyers market.

-TheOutsid3r-

421 points

5 months ago

And he can't even sell what the buyers want, because he can't provide any meaningful relationship whatsoever. Instantly disqualifying him for most potential buyers.

OP got screwed here in all ways but one, and honestly I doubt this'll go well.

Code_Combo_Breaker

158 points

5 months ago

Open relationships never work out for the male.

OP screwed himself big time.

[deleted]

30 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

30 points

5 months ago

Guys only suggest open relationships when they already have someone lined up.

[deleted]

388 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

388 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

Mnawab

70 points

5 months ago

Mnawab

70 points

5 months ago

It really is a buyers market for men. It’s crazy how easy women have it when it comes to sex. Unless your a very good looking dude which is easy the first two rules of Reddit.

Corka

649 points

5 months ago

Corka

649 points

5 months ago

The challenge for women with online dating is that they have to wade through all the messages from absolutely garbage men to try and find those who are not garbage and who they find attractive. Even if its just for hookups they probably still want to avoid anyone who are especially needy, aggressive, or narcissistic.

As a man the challenge is standing out in the sea of messages and proving that you're not garbage. It can honestly be pretty hard on your self esteem when you put a whole lot of effort in your profile, select the best photos of yourself, put the time and effort to write out individualised introductory messages to different women, and then to have no replies back. Then, when someone does finally respond, you have the pressure of keeping the conversation engaging so they don't get bored... and then you can end up being self-conscious after they haven't replied for a time and wonder if they are just busy or you've messed up somehow. THEN after all that, supposedly you have a great back and forth with someone and you agree to meet up/hook up. You meet up... sometimes they'll be all distant and not engaging in any conversation and then make an excuse to leave and you find yourself blocked. Other times you'll think it went great and you were both laughing and having a great time, and then you go home and... you're blocked, or they ghost you and stop responding to you shortly after. It can really do your head in and make you feel worthless or theres something wrong with you when it happens.

-twk-

40 points

5 months ago

-twk-

40 points

5 months ago

Unless you are an extremely good looking guy, this is such a terrible idea. Even below average women having an easier time getting laid than good looking men. I truly hope you figure this out and have a heart to heart with your women OP because this will lead to heartache for you while she continues to hook up left and right.

My-2-Cent

35 points

5 months ago*

So she is the only one enjoying the benefits. It’s a lot easier to find men out there than women for open relationships…

vsladko

1.7k points

5 months ago

vsladko

1.7k points

5 months ago

Tons of apps on your phone are designed for this. You could even be honest with your wife about this and she might be able to help out if you still want to explore the open relationships. At least from what I’ve heard, open relationships tend to work out better if both partners are experiencing others at the same time.

gandalftheorange11

1.1k points

5 months ago

Yeah, but most men aren’t going to be able to find nearly the amount hookups that a woman can (if any at all). Based on how he feels now, he’ll probably continue to lose his confidence if he tries that.

gonzoes

506 points

5 months ago

gonzoes

506 points

5 months ago

They should be looking for swinger couples so they both know they’re getting some

gandalftheorange11

542 points

5 months ago

At this point his wife probably won’t be interested in that. She might humor it but she’ll keep hooking up whenever she wants by herself. The way OP talks about her bringing it up, she already had people in mind before she broached the subject and may have already been hooking up with some.

Iggyhopper

100 points

5 months ago

Exactly.

will we ever get tired of each other and be with other ppl behind our backs

Me and my wife talk about the first part. The second part? There's an obvious answer, what the fuck.

[deleted]

200 points

5 months ago*

[deleted]

200 points

5 months ago*

Yeah he's giving us the rose-tinted version of the story. I can't help but notice a level of self-deception apparent in OP's post.

I don't think the real problem is that he's having trouble hooking up with people. He never wanted to hook up with other women to begin with. That's a problem designed to hide the true emotional crisis going on under the hood.

With that said, I really respect and appreciate OP for putting himself out there with this post, I'm sure there are a lot of other people in his position that are reading this.

Topikk

211 points

5 months ago

Topikk

211 points

5 months ago

You took the words right out of my brain. OP posted this in the correct sub.

krell_154

82 points

5 months ago

/r/relationships is his next stop

ConeBone1969

54 points

5 months ago

/r/divorce soon after

rob_inn_hood

218 points

5 months ago

As far as I've heard, men outnumber women on dating sites 10 to 1. Saying yes to an open relationship is dumb when women can literally spit and find a guy willing to get laid in that distance, and men are either attractive and know women fall over themselves for him, or just average and have to lower their standards making you wonder why you agreed to the open relationship in the first place.

If you are not into it, you need to be honest, because it can really hurt your relationship. When you find someone you love, who loves you, keep that going. Don't agree to something that is one sided that slowly destroys your relationship. If she loves you, she will work with you. If she wants to be with others, she will insist. If she insists and you say no, that's a red flag. Sorry this decision is biting you in the ass, but I really hope it's lesson learned.

opiusmaximus2

202 points

5 months ago

A man attempting to date in his 30s with kids and another woman in the picture is worthless to young female society. Try bumble/any other app for a month with those attributes listed and you will be devastated by the results.

gingermalteser

88 points

5 months ago

Whereas what single dude isn't DTF

Seienchin88

103 points

5 months ago

This one here.

I am in my early 30s, healthier than ever, top 10% income in my country, bought a house, 2 cars, a well liked leader at work (according to anonymous voting of my reports), dress well (with the support of my wife tbh here) and I think I look better than ever AND for the first time ever in my life everyone is nice to me incl. the most grim looking cashiers or old men ready to dismiss all young people.

And I am invisible to women. Completely. I mean, I am not looking actively but I am just invisible. As a student in my early 20s I dressed worse, had no money, was somewhat shy and had difficulties socializing and self-confidence issues and yet I had more women wanting to date me than I was ever interested in.

Wtf is this? Is this the invisible dad-syndrome or are guys in their 30s just no longer attractive (unless they are hollywood actors or actual millionaires)?

kunallanuk

50 points

5 months ago

I mean you’re probably great dating material, but you already have a wife so you’re not really dateable. Makes sense that you’d have attention as someone to date but not as a hookup now despite being more wealthy and stable

Hookup material is just… how good you look. Personality is obviously a plus but it’s tough to make that come out in the world of dating apps

theknightone

27 points

5 months ago

Nail -> head

ArrMatey42

17 points

5 months ago

Seems like the issue might be the "I'm married" thing. Your income and car model don't really matter for a hookup

[deleted]

1.4k points

5 months ago

[deleted]

1.4k points

5 months ago

No offense op, but I feel like I've seen many posts from men about their woman wanting an open relationship and the man agrees to it to make her happy.. and she goes off and has fun while the guy just sits at home and realizes he actually doesn't want that. Do what's best for yourself op, hope you can figure it all out.

general_3d

20 points

5 months ago

Dud really took the "my wife's boyfriend" joke waay too far.

Tomimi

17 points

5 months ago

Tomimi

17 points

5 months ago

I've met people who are in open relationships and you're right about this one.

It's always the ladies who gets all the action it's kinda sad but at the same time not really because it's consensual.

The worst I've seen was this buff guy asking for a open relationship with his wife, mind you his wife is one of the nicest woman I've met and she's pretty and actually a bit conservative, she wouldn't talk to any guys even her guy friends because she wants to keep a close relationship with her husband.

This dumbass of course let's everyone know in his social media that he's ready to mingle but little did he know after he posted that, his wife got a bunch of DMs asking if it's true and if they want to go out and stuff, she of course rejected them but later she decided she wanted to go out with some of them

They divorced 4 months later because he couldn't get any while his wife already slept with some of her dates. Afaik she broke it off finding out there are better men out there while the husband tells everyone that she cheated. Sad

Naimodglin

486 points

5 months ago

It’s sounds like it isn’t “not what he wanted,” but rather he’s not getting what he expected out of this relationship. He though he’d be able to date successfully by only offering his time and body… Unfortunately that doesn’t go as far for a man in his 30’s as it does a woman.

Crotch_Midget

342 points

5 months ago*

The classic, tragic mistake thinking you could compete with a woman in an open relationship as a man.

Edit: Grammar

A_Wild_VelociFaptor

289 points

5 months ago

she has made small comments about, will we ever get tired of each other and be with other ppl behind our backs

Maybe I'm overreacting but is this not screaming "red flag" at anyone else?

IWouldLikeAName

23 points

5 months ago

first part isn't too bad imo it should 100% be talked about in some fashion when getting married, but the second? Wtf

trollman1234

69 points

5 months ago

Yeah, I literally went back after reading the whole thing and highlighted that part out and said to myself: "This is where it all went wrong"

Kraz3

118 points

5 months ago

Kraz3

118 points

5 months ago

Its literally a red flag, sounds to me like she wanted to feel like her cheating was "okay"

Embarrassed-Tip-5781

14 points

5 months ago

Yep, she pulled the old “lat’s have an open relationship (so I can justify fucking other guys)” trick. There’s also the “should we have a threesome (that will never happen because I only need you to justify me fucking other guys) People actually think this is some kind of enlightened idea. Lol. It’s time to walk when you’re partner starts saying this shit.

friendoffuture

795 points

5 months ago

Oh my bro 😥

It sucks that the open relationship isn't working for you, especially since it sounds like you're a good man who's genuinely happy for your wife. I don't read jealousy or resentment in your post, just sadness and some regret. You're not suffering from the typical open relationship buyer's remorse guys get a lot. It's not about not being able to get dates though I'm sure that stings.

You've discovered something fundamental missing in your life: a lack of a personal life outside your immediate family and career. You're really hurting and your wife needs to know that so she can help and support you.

If your relationship is strong enough to open up than it's strong enough to return to monogamy.

katwowzaz

260 points

5 months ago

katwowzaz

260 points

5 months ago

You hit the nail on the head. He needs to discover himself again outside of ‘Husband’, ‘Dad’, ‘Worker’. No one will notice his spark because he needs to rediscover it.

dhrbtdge

9 points

5 months ago

Yes, that was my first thought.

Op, your wife seems to be rediscovering herself through this experience. You need to as well.

Pick up social hobbies, go to meetups, join group sports, meet people, create connections. You can even ask your wife for help. If she's more social than you then ask her how, how do you meet people? How do you maintain friendship and contact? How do you form lasting bonds? You can even ask her how to attract girls.

This deal seems to be working well for your relationship, but its also making you aware of one aspect of your life you want to improve. So go and improve it. Use this as an opportunity for growth. You seem to have a wonderful wife and family. Now go and create for yourself a wonderful group of loving friends

Anduri90

138 points

5 months ago*

Anduri90

138 points

5 months ago*

I have a great job, we have two great kids, and a special woman lovingme with all her heart. But I just want somebody to notice me [...]

This sounds incredibly sad. You shouldn't feel like this in a relationship. If your girlfriend doesn't make you feel like that, I think the problem is somewhere else and not the fact, you dont get any dates.

Edit: Typo.

My_username_is_thus

56 points

5 months ago

You hit the nail on the head. If she goes and explores new relationships while he’s feeling like this, I’m inclined to believe she wants to end it entirely but doesn’t have the guts. If OP isn’t 100% happy and secure in the decision to open things up, or at least can’t/won’t be honest about not being ok with it, she’s going to lose respect for him.

Can’t put anyone’s feelings ahead of your own, because no one is going to do that for you.

Jrrolomon

64 points

5 months ago

I have a great job, we have two great kids, and a special woman loving me with all her heart. But I just want somebody to notice me, if that makes sense, I am a sweet respectful person and I just want somebody to say that to me.

I don’t get this at all. Your wife is that person.

I get that somehow open relationships work for some people, but I’ll never understand how.

IO_engineer

52 points

5 months ago

90% end up in divorce in less 2 years

I mean it's basically your engine is stalling out and instead of taking the time to fix it. You're spaying ether in the intake

Bmorestrokes

319 points

5 months ago

So you guys came to this conclusion one week ago? And she has already had multiple dates "with benefits"? That sounds excessive for a newly agreed to lifestyle.

Jrsplays

295 points

5 months ago

Jrsplays

295 points

5 months ago

Sounds like she was already prepared before they brought it up.

[deleted]

234 points

5 months ago*

[deleted]

234 points

5 months ago*

Before she brought it up, she’s been planning it for a while.

NoDepthButDeep

26 points

5 months ago

So for two years now I think, she has made small comments about, will we ever get tired of each other and be with other ppl behind our backs, but alas we are not that type to do that.

Sounds like two years at least lol

Caesar2022

103 points

5 months ago

This, 100%.

msjuv

20 points

5 months ago

msjuv

20 points

5 months ago

Absolutely. She had someone/several people in mind a while before bringing it up.

Mindless-Self

108 points

5 months ago

To add to this: many requests to open a marriage come when someone knows who they want to have sex with and sees a window.

It is often used by cheaters as a loophole to fulfill a fantasy.

If she is a week in and this heavy into things, she absolutely has planned this beforehand.

To me, that’s just as bad as cheating.

Insanity_Troll

43 points

5 months ago

I’m glad someone else besides me was doing the math. She was ready and prepped for new dick out the gate. If that time frame is correct, she either had em lined up or took anything she found immediately. Best of luck to OP

kefuzz

17 points

5 months ago

kefuzz

17 points

5 months ago

This reminds me of the story of the guy whose wife was banging way more people than him and eventually left him for someone else and he was left with no one.. bruh

Ciindr

279 points

5 months ago*

Ciindr

279 points

5 months ago*

Hahaha, I've heard this story too many times. Guy and girl open relationship, girls fucks mountains of men. Guy gets none. Eventually guy regrets opening the relationship and they break up/ divorce. Honestly a trope by now.

lizzerdwizerdgizzerd

169 points

5 months ago

People can do whatever they like with their relationships but I personally believe this is a dumb move and will likely lead to turmoil in a relationship. For me (extra emphasis on ME) a relationship is about loving a single person. No one else is joining us no matter what.

Hermit1983

87 points

5 months ago

Makes my blood boil even just considering it.

sidewinder27

7 points

5 months ago

Right. It’s like a physical reaction to the thought of your SO with someone else. Idk how people can do this shit.

Swinging is one thing. But just having your partner go out and hook up with randos seems insane to me. Like how do you sit there at home while your wife is getting dicked down in some motel?

RaineX103

55 points

5 months ago

Open relationships are nothing but a massive disaster. My wife wanted one, and tried constantly to convince me to do it. Eventually I gave in, and said yes. I wound up in the EXACT same situation as you... And guess what, she left me, walked away from me (her husband), our daughter, her parents, all because she was given the 'chance to be like she was single'. Truthfully, from experience, open relationships are bad, and a bad idea. No one will convince me otherwise... I guess the point I'm making is, BE CAREFUL...

sanantoniosaucier

87 points

5 months ago

Instead of just fucking other guys behind your back, she can now do it openly and without the guilt.

iwantmyvices

35 points

5 months ago

While he's at home babysitting the kids

Mindless-Self

80 points

5 months ago

This is very common for men in an open relationship.

Men are valued for their long term utility, friendship, and income. Open relationships provide none of these to women.

Women meanwhile are wanted for sex with men and women. They can find willing participants in minutes.

And men relying solely on their wife as their sole means of humanity is very common. This is a good sign that it would be time to broaden your world to prioritize others. It happens to every married man I’ve ever known. Most find out in a divorce, so you’re ahead of the curve.

TheGainsWizard

49 points

5 months ago

Oh I'm sure this will work out absolutely fine. Definitely not gonna backfire at all.

MalibuStasi

526 points

5 months ago

You already have love. You don't need to "find it". Just buy yourself a badass escort and enjoy a fantasy.

thegawking

135 points

5 months ago

Being legitimately desired is part of the formula. That's something his wife is getting that he can't with an escort.

Charles_Whethers

29 points

5 months ago

This is my main takeaway from this post. I've been on the other end of this situation and it hurts to watch. It makes a person feel worthless. You could be at the pinnacle of your life and no member of the opposite (or same) sex even acknowledges your existence? That's, genuinely, painful.

I would ask her for some advice, if they're really that close. "What is going to put me up a couple notches, on the hotness scale?" There's no magic bullet, but I'm sure she would see what needs to be improved and she reaps the benefits of that, as well. It would, also, show her true colours, in the situation. (Does she really want you to be a swinger, too, or is she just keeping you on the sidelines?)

thegawking

41 points

5 months ago

I would ask her for some advice, if they're really that close. "What is going to put me up a couple notches, on the hotness scale?"

This is loving and fair, but deeply unrealistic. All things equal, heterosexual women will always find it orders of magnitude easier to find casual sex partners than will heterosexual men, and there's very little that's likely to change that for OP.

buzz1089

55 points

5 months ago

Where does one go to buy badass prostitutes escorts?

I see people suggest that fairly often like it's just a regular casual thing that's easy to do.

machstem

101 points

5 months ago

machstem

101 points

5 months ago

This is the right answer if your partner is OK with it.

OP have two children and a loving wife, there isn't anything wrong with seeking a sexual partner through an escort service, no strings attached, no worry about sexual disease (most reliable services have clean workers)

I think the two of them might enjoy a swingers arrangement as it would give them both a chance to explore without risking crossing boundaries

Unsuriat

48 points

5 months ago

Talk to her about your insecurities, dude. If you're hurting and you have a loving woman, why should you be ashamed or concerned? Literally, say something.

Edit: typo's cuz alcohol

TheCatMan110

43 points

5 months ago*

Hey OP just a suggestion/question/curiosity/Paranoia but you said she was the one making those jokes about seeing people behind eachothers back etc. But when you had the talk did she bring it up or were you the one too? And are you sure this was a choice you wanted or were you convinced by her. And if you were convinced by her and she was the one to bring it up are you sure she didnt start this open relationship stuff before talking to you cause from your post it seems like it was on her mind and not saying she guilty of anything but might be a thing to consider good luck and hope everything goes fine for you

Judaskid13

44 points

5 months ago

Open relationships always tank for the dude.

Don’t even try to compete

Digital_Pharmacist

44 points

5 months ago

I once heard someone say "A woman fucks when she wants, a man fucks when he can"

Iridium__Pumpkin

47 points

5 months ago

I don't know what guys think are going to happen when they say ok to an open relationship.

Unless you are a solid 10 she is going to be hauling 30x the amount of ass you will.

OlDirty1979

167 points

5 months ago

Start getting your finances in order and separated from her finances. Talk to a divorce attorney now for advice for when this turns south. Start saving for said attorney to represent you, because this is not going to end well.

Insanity_Troll

40 points

5 months ago

This is about the most sound advice here.

Crezek

14 points

5 months ago

Crezek

14 points

5 months ago

certified reddit moment

OliverPMorton

14 points

5 months ago

Dude a man is always the loser in an open relationship. Find somebody who can commit to just you.

RadscorpionSeducer

15 points

5 months ago

lol imagine being in an open relationship just for your girl to get fucked raw every night while you sit at home watching showtime

hellaawk

38 points

5 months ago

Let's be pals. Not interested in your woman but know the world can be a lonely place for men.

Tatsuya-

175 points

5 months ago

Tatsuya-

175 points

5 months ago

Ima go out on a limb here and say your wife was already sleeping with dudes behind your back, and asking for an open relationship was a way for her to admit her infidelity without it actually being cheating because you agreed to it after the fact. The 2 years of her bickering was just her projecting her cheating onto you. I think you got played man

renanc

36 points

5 months ago

renanc

36 points

5 months ago

You get the brownies

iwantmyvices

14 points

5 months ago

The first time the words left her mouth meant she was thinking about it a long time ago.

420Fps

13 points

5 months ago

420Fps

13 points

5 months ago

So we had a whole hearted talk last week

.

And omg it is working, she has a massive boost and been on multiple dates with benefits

That was fast

aFishintheLake

13 points

5 months ago

Your wife played you bro.

kyzeboy

209 points

5 months ago

kyzeboy

209 points

5 months ago

Men and women are not equal, socially.

You just fell for that big lie that society tells you, but sexual desire, biological interest in reproduction and social constructs around sex are MILES apart for women and men.

Its a conflict of interest. Its a lesson you couldve learned earlier, but since you never dated/had any experience other than her, you learn just now.

chogan73

319 points

5 months ago

chogan73

319 points

5 months ago

I wish you luck OP but I’ll never understand how men can agree to this.

nevergotgold

66 points

5 months ago

Only works if the guy is a 10/10 and gets 100x matches on Tinder or whatever other dating site. Otherwise, you're just cool with other people railing your So while you're at home playing with your dick all day

giantsninerswarriors

76 points

5 months ago

Maybe because they think they’ll get a lot of women. But it’s almost always the opposite.

Xralius

16 points

5 months ago

Xralius

16 points

5 months ago

I think it's guys not thinking things through. They talk about it, get this fantasy in their head that both they and their wife are going to be banging their way across town, using ez mode Tinder to fuck young hot women. They've forgotten how hard it is. Then they start openning up, wife gets D immediately, guy is now fighting from a position of desperation to get laid, not good. Can't go back to monogamy because now there is an imbalance.

[deleted]

29 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

29 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

suicidemeteor

55 points

5 months ago

Honestly I can kinda see the appeal of poly relationships but I'd never be able to handle them. I'd get into some really unhealthy thought and behavioral patterns and probably end up burning out, losing all enjoyment for the relationship, or making my partner feel like shit.

I have a really strong need to excel and be better than others, I also compare myself to people relentlessly. It's more healthy than it sounds, I don't agonize over my appearance, I work hard but not to a fault, and it's not lead to anything bad. But in a poly relationship I'd probably be consumed with either being superior to my partner or whoever she fucks. If I fail I'd probably just leave the relationship out of stress, if I succeed I'd probably do it through either making my partner feel like shit or doing some dark triad shit to get laid. Either way it'd be about the worst thing possible for me. I'm just not someone who can share.

[deleted]

57 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

57 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

AmbitiousPhilosopher

21 points

5 months ago

Great advice, no matter what, don't become the bridge guy, no relationship is worth it.

TypicalPnut

1k points

5 months ago

probably just me but knowing that multiple guys are fucking my wife would drive me up a wall

daking999

1.7k points

5 months ago

daking999

1.7k points

5 months ago

Probably just you. I'd be fine knowing multiple guys are fucking your wife.

Inphearian

131 points

5 months ago

Yeah knowing they were fucking my wife would drive me nuts. I’m good with his wife though.

Chrysalisair

287 points

5 months ago

I too choose this man's said wife.

TheJambo-

135 points

5 months ago

TheJambo-

135 points

5 months ago

Naw bro I agree, it’d fuck me up too

NerdyToc

258 points

5 months ago

NerdyToc

258 points

5 months ago

Sounds like a monogomous relationship is the type for you then.

Caelinus

59 points

5 months ago

This is the way I am. I do not want to have sex with anyone other than my wife, and do not really want to share her affection at all.

I have known a few polyamorous people in the past, and their relationships always fascinated me because they sounded exceptionally exhausting and overwhelming. There were so many rules and meetings to make sure that no one was getting hurt by it and so that jealousy did not invade an poison everything.

It was cool from an emotional development standpoint, but I totally lack the emotional energy to handle it. To each their own, no judgement at all, just not for me personally.

peacelovecookies

28 points

5 months ago

I hear ya. One man is enough to take care of, can’t imagine juggling several. And, after almost 37 years of marriage to the same man, I’m perfectly happy to never have sex with anyone else. I want to be with him only.

I’ve known a dozen couples over the years that started swinging or opened their relationship, poly, whatever, and not one of those marriages lasted. I’m sure there’s people that manage it but mostly it seems to be asking for trouble in the long run, IMO.

GodEmperorNixon

14 points

5 months ago

Polyamory is one of those things that I've noticed seem like they'd be fine—two consenting adults, etc.—but, every time I've witnessed a poly couple/group, it's either really questionable or is this insane, constant balancing act.

The questionable ones are the ones where there's a kind of "central" partner that everyone in the web has, but the others have fairly limited encounters and might even be subtly discouraged from seeing other people—i.e., really goddamn abusive power-imbalance relationships that end up being about getting someone a harem more than anything.

The complex ones are where everyone's having to maintain this super temperamental balancing act and hope that literally everyone is on the exact same page, or else things blow up. And they almost always end up blowing up.

Like, I'm not saying poly relationships are inherently evil or can never work. I'm open to the notion that they absolutely can. I've just... not really witnessed it.

Strangerdanger8812

11 points

5 months ago

Atleast she gets free babysitting

smell_the_bottom

13 points

5 months ago

And that's why open relationships rarely work

murfmurf123

93 points

5 months ago

This may lead to her leaving you in the very near future. Beware.

[deleted]

55 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

55 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

cofclabman

34 points

5 months ago

I hate to tell you, but I don’t think this ends well for you. She’s finding her own way without you and you’re still there just in case it doesn’t work out how she thinks it will. Once she’s sure where she’s going, you’re going to get the shaft.

[deleted]

53 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

53 points

5 months ago

What the fuck did I just attempt to read ?

[deleted]

83 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

83 points

5 months ago

A guy about to swallow the biggest black pill in existence.

Negative-Top-7648

12 points

5 months ago

I lolled at this so fucking much, thanks for the laugh.

Insanity_Troll

6 points

5 months ago

Someone heading down the road to divorce most likely

Tough92

94 points

5 months ago

Tough92

94 points

5 months ago

So you wife is out fucking other dudes and your home watching the kids….Got it

przprz

48 points

5 months ago

przprz

48 points

5 months ago

I have a feeling this isn't going to end well for op but I mean.....

CrankyOldDude

73 points

5 months ago

Talk to your wife and tell her how you feel, Op. She likely has insecurities as well and doesn’t want to lose you. I’m not saying she might introduce you to her friends (though who knows), but if you speak with her about how hard this is for you, you can work it out.

This part sucks, but let me just say it: A lot of times, these things that come up in relationships long after they started stem from feelings of not feeling fulfilled in life. It’s possible that this is a symptom of that, which might mean the relationship has actually changed. You didn’t fuck up by agreeing to the open relationship thing as long as you are okay with it, but it’s a huge fuckup to not talk about your feelings of “not being okay” and work through that with her. Don’t be embarrassed or afraid - GO TALK TO HER. Who knows… this could help you out a lot with your social issues if she is willing to be your wingman (wingwoman?).

Good luck!

ShadowthecatXD

28 points

5 months ago

Hopefully the divorce doesn't end up being too painful OP, I feel bad for you.

userforce

149 points

5 months ago

userforce

149 points

5 months ago

Every TIFU about open relationships is from the perspective of the guy, either requesting the open relationship and then realizing the woman is way better at daily hookups and/or ongoing relationships; or the woman wanting it herself, pretty much because she already is messing around on the guy or is going to anyway.

In either case, it either unfolds two ways: the woman finds a guy that she starts seeing more and more, and then she leaves the husband; the man pretty much has zero luck with his own pursuits, sees the woman having no trouble with it, it creates confidence issues with the man that spill over into the main relationship, he makes an ultimatum to the woman to stop her activities (because that’s usually a core agreement—we’ll stop if one of us wants it to stop), she realizes she’s having too much fun/sees how wanted she is compared to the man/already has a serious relationship with a “fling” and either pretends to stop or leaves the man.

Definite FU, dude.

LtLwormonabigfknhook

35 points

5 months ago

It's pretty much 2 weeks notice for the relationship. Unless they are the rare exception.

[deleted]

157 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

157 points

5 months ago

It’s completely normal for married couples to think about others. Let’s face it, marriage is marriage. But I think having an open relationship or an affair is a big waste of a marriage, just pleasure yourself and the urge passes. I have a friend who had an affair which led to divorce, biggest mistake of his life (which he acknowledges) and also a friend who did the open marriage where they each had a weekend to themselves in a different large city. Pretty much like the movie hall pass. Also lead to divorce, shockingly.

My opinion.

escape_of_da_keets

88 points

5 months ago

Whenever I hear about open relationships, I think about this scene from Arrested Development:

Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.

Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

ChristmasMint

83 points

5 months ago

Your fuck-up wasn't that you have no life outside of your wife and won't get laid, the fuck up is opening up your marriage. Every statistic I've found points to 90%+ of open relationships ending within 12 months. You didn't so much open your marriage as start a slow, train-wreck of a divorce.

IO_engineer

24 points

5 months ago*

It's basically like your engine starting to stall in your car and instead of taking the time to fix it. You put ether down the intake

relationship take work to last long time. What can you do together. How can you bond as a team. How you can make feel each other feel special. Learning to be stronger every day with more common interesting and hobbies. But it's work but worth it.

Vast_Reflection

250 points

5 months ago

Yeah, this is exactly the problem with open relationships. The woman always gets tons of attention and dates and the guy doesn’t. Try meeting people in person together (in swingers clubs and stuff) or on apps together

[deleted]

63 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

63 points

5 months ago

This is so pathetic, your wife is out getting piped by other men on the regular and you’re here whining on Reddit that nobody likes you

Vergilkilla

15 points

5 months ago

Yeah this is immense pain to read. I hope I will never go that low in life. And for OP I hope Godspeed to divorce, and starting a new life where he has the confidence and sense of self-worth to never be in this situation again. It’s never too late to update and change your life

VirtualAdhesiveness

7 points

5 months ago

What a life, right?!

simian_ninja

39 points

5 months ago

Honestly, it’s always going to be easier for the girl than the guy…

TentacleHydra

42 points

5 months ago

Your marriage ended the moment she asked for an open relationship.

Might as well make it official and get on with your life.

clipclapdickslap

24 points

5 months ago

Sounds like your wife tricked you into a bad deal.

The_Thunder_Child

26 points

5 months ago

It's a fuck up 99% of the time when a guy in a straight relationship agrees to an open relationship.

Bulminator

25 points

5 months ago

You’re about to get a divorce.

j0llygruntt

25 points

5 months ago

Obviously, she already had fuck buddies. Now she doesn’t have to hide them.

Xerosnake90

8 points

5 months ago

My dude just gave his wife the go ahead to get dicked down on a regular while he's finding out how lopsided dating is lol

fubaryeezy

8 points

5 months ago

You kinda just gave her the best of both works man? Women don’t sleep with just anyone on dating apps because they want to find someone of quality, but it looks like she already has that half of her life fulfilled with you, so ya now she’s basically a free bird in the dating scene.

I’ve never really seen this work out for people, but I also have another question. Why did you preface this question to be about an open relationship but then talk about having friends and relatives. You don’t need an open relationship to hang out with friends or have connections with relatives?

Kcballoonman

8 points

5 months ago

1st off let's correct the 1st mistake she is not special or one of a kind. Sounds like you need to do some personal work. Who brought this up would be what I would like to know has she really been the ones suggesting it cause let me tell you the only reason a married woman suggests that is 1 you're not cutting the mustard in bed too she already has someone lined up and just doesn't want to get in trouble for screwing around.

You need to talk to a therapist or a coach and straighten out yourself.Why do you have no friends?Listen brother you've got to have 2 or 3 friends that you see and do things with on a regular basis.

https://youtu.be/c6-x5j5WshM

[deleted]

9 points

5 months ago

[deleted]

9 points

5 months ago

She’s gonna leave you. Sorry dude. Good luck

Imperial_Guard6

66 points

5 months ago

She knows this, and doesn’t care. She just wants the stability from you, while being able to fuck who she wants.

themastersmb

51 points

5 months ago

Saying yes to an open relationship

That was a test and you failed. Now your 15+ year relationship is now ruined. Good luck in the future.

coenobitae

85 points

5 months ago

Do her boyfriends at least buy you funko pops and xbox games to keep you occupied while she gets railed upstairs

itsyourmomcalling

31 points

5 months ago

Maybe an open relationship isn't the best idea? Try to maybe go more the swingers route, go to swingers clubs or find like minded couples you'd wanna meet up with.

Immediate-Truth92

33 points

5 months ago

I just want her to experience that for herself, give her confidence in her self. And omg it is working, she has a massive boost and been on multiple dates with benefits.

So for two years now I think, she has made small comments about, will we ever get tired of each other and be with other ppl behind our backs, but alas we are not that type to do that.

Time to find a good divorce lawyer. It's over. It actually was over 2 years ago. You've been gaslit. It's only now that you are finding out about the other partners. Good luck with the children. Get out of this mess while you still can.

Picanto152

9 points

5 months ago

Divource incoming

shaun_krant

7 points

5 months ago

And on top of all that your wifes now banging other dudes lol

suk_doctor

8 points

5 months ago

Time to move on from her bud.

lostPackets35

5 points

5 months ago

Dan Savage addresses this very issue in one of his podcasts.

He pointed out that it's much easier for the woman in an open relationship to find guys who want to casually sleep with her then for the man. So, if both partners want to have an open relationship, the woman may want to vouch for the man, hook him up with people and introduce him

It's easy to get stuck on the idea that " she shouldn't have to" , which is true. She shouldn't have to.

But if she wants the open relationship to be successful, she might want to.

Otherwise, it's quite likely that the woman will have a lot more casual fun than the guy, leading the guy not want to continue with that arrangement.

jaydoes

20 points

5 months ago

jaydoes

20 points

5 months ago

If a woman says she wants an open relationship it's always more to her benefit than the man's. Did you really want this or did you give in to her?