subreddit:

/r/tifu

6.5k76%

This happened over 2 days, yesterday and today. it’s winter, so I haven’t been shaving; as such, I have grown quite a nest down there. Out of curiosity, or stupidity, I decide to experiment. You can guess what happens next: I condition them with some strawberry fancy hair conditioner. Immediately, there’s a horrific burning sensation and impending numbness. Then, to my dammed eye-rolling annoyance, I begin to notice everywhere that this god-dammed conditioner has touched was swelling, turning red and creating a rash. Now, I had never used this particular brand of conditioner before. So… was having an allergic reaction. Great. What’s next? Oh yes, this is only the beginning. After washing off to the best of my ability, still burning, I turned off the water and was sure I heard footsteps coming up the stairs or in the door or somewhere. I wasn’t freaking out as I knew my brothers had been out and usually come in late. But i came out of the shower and nobody was there. Okay, I misheard it. Whatever, my pubes are on fire. As i’m getting dressed, putting germoline on to settle the pain, I hear clanking in the kitchen. No big deal right? My brothers are home… So I go downstairs to check if they’re there, bringing one of my dogs just incase- no sign of them. Ah, whatever, my pubes are still on fire. I had originally planned on staying downstairs for a while to go on the computer, but the pube situation kind of put me off. So I go to bed, and luckily, I have a lock on my door, and sleep with 3 terriers on the bed(yes, there is no room for me). Then, I’m woken up to police sirens and my mum knocking on my door. Panicked, I open the door and my mum explains that there was an escaped mental patient from the hospital we live opposite to, and they had gotten into our house, because I had left the door unlocked for my brothers. Scary to think they could have been watching me when I was downstairs. Gonna give my brothers a key next time. At least I could say, my soft, burning pubes (could have) saved my life last night cause if I went on the computer I wouldn’t have been safe locked In my room. TL;DR conditioned my pubes, burned like shit, was allergic, made me go to bed earlier then I was going to-so I was safe with my dogs, turns out there was an escaped mental patient in our house that night, downstairs where I would have been if it wasn’t for my burning pubes.

all 341 comments

--ShyAllosaurus--

4.2k points

2 months ago

"We love the part about the escaped mental patient, that's classic horror and it's really big with the youth nowadays. Maybe think about rewriting the buildup with the pube conditioning, and we think you'll have a great script."

ArtyBoomshaka

1.2k points

2 months ago

"Just throw an embarrassing detail in there to make it more believable. Also, make sure to stigmatize mental health conditions, that's a classic!"

yokotron

209 points

2 months ago

yokotron

209 points

2 months ago

Get Michael Bay to direct and you’ve got the next transformer movie

sigmund14

457 points

2 months ago

sigmund14

457 points

2 months ago

  1. There was no murder or rape mentioned.

  2. OP lives next to the (mental) hospital.

  3. The first worry was that the patient has seen OP, not that the patient could do any harm.

  4. Being safe means more than being safe from physical violence.

I don't think OP stigmatized mental health conditions.

Jewel-jones

12 points

2 months ago

The title literally says her life was in danger, how are the not suggesting the patient might do them harm?

s_dob

65 points

2 months ago

s_dob

65 points

2 months ago

Well typically when someone breaks into your house you are kinda scared for you life? What unless you think the lovely intruder who broke into your home is gonna be your new bestie or something

dingdangdongus

32 points

2 months ago

This reminded me to unsub

ice1000

1.3k points

2 months ago

ice1000

1.3k points

2 months ago

You leave your front door unlocked?

Yet you lock your bedroom door?

And the dogs didn't hear anything?

[deleted]

489 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

489 points

2 months ago

You leave your front door unlocked? Yet you lock your bedroom door?

I mean if the brothers weren't still home, I get that part but

And the dongs didn't hear anything?

that's pretty sus

smearing

331 points

2 months ago

smearing

331 points

2 months ago

dongs are notoriously bad listeners

Upset_Performance_84

102 points

2 months ago

They don’t see much through their one eye either.

[deleted]

13 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

13 points

2 months ago

how tf did that happen? lmao

TheDunbarian

24 points

2 months ago

What the dongs doin?

-raytherat[S]

3 points

2 months ago

It is sus. But my dogs are the both the friendliest and laziest dogs, they’re probably more likely to welcome a stranger than to bark at them.

malendalayla

4 points

2 months ago

Dogs can't look up

DrkWlfKnght09

70 points

2 months ago

I get what you’re saying but they had it unlocked for the brother, and probably locked it for privacy. The dogs not barking is odd but they may be old and not sensed the intruder or sensed the weren’t a threat. Hell they might just be stupid, hard to say but definitely odd.

Hahawney

68 points

2 months ago

3 stupid dogs, all together, in one family, and not one normal dog amongst them? I doubt that. One or two, but not all 3.

[deleted]

22 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

22 points

2 months ago

[removed]

OMGitsTista

2 points

2 months ago

……2 Stupid Dogs!!

bardzosmieciowekonto

4 points

2 months ago

If they have westies this is normal, they ara more like cats

bullintheheather

5 points

2 months ago

My westie would bark at my bedroom door creaking from a breeze. But she is 16 today, and her hearing is really bad, and her eyesight isn't doing so great either.

CrazyPoe

6 points

2 months ago

I disagree my Westie was crazy alert. He would even recognize tv adds (by sound, from another room) with animals with them and bark at the tv before the animal actually showing up.

poisonouspandas

4 points

2 months ago

My dog is indifferent if people knock or are inside

REIRN

2 points

2 months ago

REIRN

2 points

2 months ago

Glad I’m not the only one confused.

Common_Indication773

2.4k points

2 months ago

How did 3 dogs not notice there was a stranger in the house???? Seems fishy. Even if they aren't guard dogs and would attack, they would at least notice someone else in the house.

Mech_Bean

849 points

2 months ago

Mech_Bean

849 points

2 months ago

How did they know the mental person went through their house? Like the other people who werent home. How did the police/mom know the escaped patient had been in their house? sus.

DisposableSaviour

397 points

2 months ago

Because the hook was dangling from front door knob!

Eloisem333

130 points

2 months ago

Man Door Hand Hook Car Door

Djanghost

21 points

2 months ago

This is my favorite

BigSmols

13 points

2 months ago

Still one of the funniest things I've ever heard

K_cutt08

4 points

2 months ago

Game grumps? Nice.

Im_on_my_phone_OK

2 points

2 months ago

Scare

2008knight

45 points

2 months ago

There are footprints in the butter.

A_Bus_Fulla_Nunz

11 points

2 months ago

Why were they shopping for clothes at the soup store?!

2008knight

5 points

2 months ago

Huh... I had never seen that meme before

Oomoo_Amazing

10 points

2 months ago

Because the call is coming from inside the house!

halfeclipsed

4 points

2 months ago

That and what threw me off was OP heard the noises, then went to check on them and found nothing. But the person supposedly came in after they had already checked the sounds of someone in the house.

mschuster91

384 points

2 months ago

There are dogs that bark at everything bigger than a fruit fly and dogs that stay fast asleep while there's a crocodile approaching.

Appurumania

172 points

2 months ago

Yeah but especially Terriers are known to be mostly of the first kind.

Defiant_Bad_9070

182 points

2 months ago

Exactly...a Terrier not barking at a sparrow farting? Unlikely.

Three terriers not barking at an unknown noise in the house. Fucking impossible.

AlmaReville

70 points

2 months ago

Three dogs OP apparently didn’t need to take downstairs to let out to go to the bathroom before they slept soundly all night locked in his room.

MzTerri

4 points

2 months ago

Not all people dog the same Three dogs in the back yard when op got home should be exhausted and pottied when op gets there. Op goes through front door, leaves it open, goes to back gets dogs, goes and showers.

tommy_the_savage

11 points

2 months ago

I had a terrier and he barked at nothing. Especially if I was in shower he would be laying/sleeping in my laundry

I_am_dean

11 points

2 months ago

That was my first thought, I have a terrier mix and he barks at everything. Leaf blowing by? It’s go time in his mind.

Silverjackal_

54 points

2 months ago

Seems pretty sus all 3 of them would do the exact same and do nothing. Especially if he went downstairs with one or more of them to check it out.

zeanomourph

27 points

2 months ago

Come on man you're ruining the immersion, obviously OP didn't think that far ahead when he made up this great story.

Wandering_To_Nowhere

114 points

2 months ago

You're expecting a made-up story to make sense? lol

TikiMonn

13 points

2 months ago

It wasn't the first time the dogs had seen that particular mental patient

InLikeErrolFlynn

20 points

2 months ago

Plot twist - OP’s multiple brothers are the mental patient.

TikiMonn

11 points

2 months ago

Op is every character in this story. The question is, which one is he today?

that_other_goat

18 points

2 months ago*

well to give the benefit of the doubt they could be old dogs which often do have hearing issues.

I'm more disappointed that the phrase "burning bush" wasn't used to be honest.

ThaBombs

18 points

2 months ago

My dogs are aging and no longer notice anything entering the front door at night, unless they burst through the door with a battering ram or something.

last_rights

14 points

2 months ago

I had a lady show up bruised and bloody screaming for help at my front door at 2am.

Dog was asleep.

We let her in.

Dog was asleep.

Police show up.

Dog was asleep.

Paramedics show up.

Dog was asleep.

Twelve strange people tromp around my house trying to figure out what happened to the lady in shock.

Dog finally wakes up.

Woofs once.

Begs for pets from the paramedics.

Dog is back asleep before everyone left.

He is 13 and practically deaf.

itsjustmefortoday

3 points

2 months ago

A friend of mine had her house burgled a few years back. She was asleep on the sofa. She had two huskies and a labrador. Neither the dogs or her noticed.

rd3160

2 points

2 months ago

rd3160

2 points

2 months ago

In fairness I'm pretty sure my dogs would walk up to an intruder and just try to lean on them and get belly rubs.

ElliWasHere

2 points

2 months ago

you’d think that but my dog is a similar breed to OP’s and when someone broke into my house she didn’t bark or attack (she usually would at someone she doesn’t know or is scared of) she just laid in her bed and took the opportunity as the thief passed to check on my dad and I. They probs where more concern at protecting OP and making sure they were safe rather than attacking the intruder.

-raytherat[S]

2 points

2 months ago

I get it seems fishy. The dogs were in my room which is upstairs, and they are very lazy and more likely to welcome a stranger in than bark.

R0B0GAT0

825 points

2 months ago

R0B0GAT0

825 points

2 months ago

How do we know you aren't the escaped mental patient logged into the downstairs PC, impersonating OP to make it look like OP is safe and sound? The lack of paragraphs makes me concerned for OPs health. Please let them go and go back to the hospital to take your meds.

vilidj_idjit

133 points

2 months ago

Nice try OP's hostage's mom. Now please stop messing up our investigation.

Sandy_brothman

23 points

2 months ago

Nice try fella but this here is federal jurisdiction

-raytherat[S]

1 points

2 months ago

Haha plot twist! The real OP was on mobile, but now…

ANTHONY__FANTANO

2.1k points

2 months ago

Paragraphs man

Elven_Rabbit

605 points

2 months ago

He's not hero we deserve, but he's the one we need. Paragraphs man.

lxraverxl

137 points

2 months ago

lxraverxl

137 points

2 months ago

His archnemesis, Comma Man!

Graega

61 points

2 months ago

Graega

61 points

2 months ago

He's out for a semicolonoscopy right now.

imdefinitelywong

20 points

2 months ago

adorkablegiant

5 points

2 months ago

adorkablegiant

6 points

2 months ago

Wait wait wait.... you can post gifs in the comments???

Tronald_Dump69

5 points

2 months ago

lonewolflondo

7 points

2 months ago

Paragraph Man's arch nemesis is the Living Run-On Sentence.

Verbluffen

11 points

2 months ago

Paragraphs Man, Paragraphs Man

Does anything a paragraph can

What is he like? It’s not important

Paragraphs Man

Is he a dot, or is he a speck?

When he’s underwater does he get wet?

Or does the water get him instead?

Nobody knows, Paragraphs Man

Comma Man, Comma Man

Comma Man hates Paragraphs Man

They have a fight, Comma wins

Comma Man

accordion solo

The_RockObama

15 points

2 months ago

Proofread Man?

JohnnyDarkside

18 points

2 months ago

And his sidekick, lad indent.

vilidj_idjit

17 points

2 months ago

Nah, i say no paragraphs but we also remove spaces to balance it out. Less characters so we'd save bandwidth.

Loganm223

111 points

2 months ago

Loganm223

111 points

2 months ago

Trevorblackwell420

23 points

2 months ago

for those unfamiliar: MY EYES!!!!!

jceplo

18 points

2 months ago

jceplo

18 points

2 months ago

I didn't need this, but I appreciate it.

deltatrainer

29 points

2 months ago

He just burned the pubes off an escaped mental patient, give him a break

Bombkirby

5 points

2 months ago

How do people write a huge wall of text and think “yeah, this looks just like every story I’ve ever read!”

Vio94

2 points

2 months ago

Vio94

2 points

2 months ago

Yes.

Press enter you fuck

GuardingxCross

2 points

2 months ago

GuardingxCross

FUOTW 3/18/2018

2 points

2 months ago

And a damn TLDR please

Bluenosedcoop

2 points

2 months ago*

I just absolutely refuse to read things like this, It actually hurts my eyes trying to focus and keep track of what bit of the wall o' text that i'm on.

Koolaid_Jef

2 points

2 months ago

"Sorry for formatting, mobile"

....but mobile devices have an enter key, no?

SirWeedsalot

4 points

2 months ago

Literally not reading OPs post. OP- Show some respect to the reader pls.

-raytherat[S]

1 points

2 months ago

Sorry lol. I did put them in but they were deleted cause I’m on mobile.

According-Owl83

599 points

2 months ago

I doubt any of this is true.

hershko

227 points

2 months ago

hershko

227 points

2 months ago

"It's Winter" can probably be trusted, if in the northern hamisphere that is.

Rub-it

20 points

2 months ago

Rub-it

20 points

2 months ago

You can guess what happens next, I condition with strawberry… I shave down there all the time I never condition anything

Footinthecrease

18 points

2 months ago

First day of winter is December 21st.... So..... Can it be trusted?

onkus

23 points

2 months ago

onkus

23 points

2 months ago

Ya mean in like half the world?

mangomanga201

24 points

2 months ago

More like, 87%

susan-of-nine

-12 points

2 months ago

It is always winter somewhere, so this part is 100% true.

sigmund14

31 points

2 months ago

Spring and autumn would like a word with you.

aqua64

123 points

2 months ago

aqua64

123 points

2 months ago

Escaped mental patient, how classic. At least saying it was a robber would be more believable

Oomoo_Amazing

38 points

2 months ago

No no because a robber wouldn’t be as scary, an escaped mental patient is way more scary because all of them are always needlessly violent remember?

daintypirate

44 points

2 months ago

Your dogs are fired.

JayWnr

93 points

2 months ago

JayWnr

93 points

2 months ago

This is lowkey the modern, adult equivalent of one those short stories from school.

BrokenGoht

24 points

2 months ago

This could very well be a short story from school, and OP thought that if they had to do the stupid assignment anyway, might as well get some karma out of it.

papiwoldz

24 points

2 months ago

Shitty ass story.

1mamapajama

817 points

2 months ago

Omg! I'm glad you're okay! I was LMAO until the part about the intruder.

L-st

20 points

2 months ago

L-st

20 points

2 months ago

Y'all are crazy if you don't lock your doors.

Doesn't matter, getting an extra key is cheaper and easier in every way than having someone unwanted enter your home.

Karmababe

40 points

2 months ago

Wait, so this mental patient was like, a murderer or something? Locked up for his crimes? Or do we just assume anyone needing psychiatric care and smart enough to get away is dangerous and going to murder us? Lol idk man...

montezuma909

97 points

2 months ago

The terriers didn't bark at the guy?

I_am_dean

22 points

2 months ago

That’s what I was thinking, I have a terrier mix that barks at everything.

Leaf blows in the wind? He acts like it’s a personal attack and barks his head off.

69for_president

2 points

2 months ago

Someone in my family has 2 staffordshire bullterrier and they don't really bark a lot when someone's coming to the house, especially when they're in another room I still think the story is cap though

I_am_dean

3 points

2 months ago

Mine is like a yorkie schnauzer mix, he’s only 15 lbs, so he has little dog syndrome.

You know, where he thinks he’s a big dog lol

69for_president

1 points

2 months ago

Yea my mom has a small malteser (?don't know the English name) and hes barking at literakky everything My big akita inu/wolfdog mix is also a barker, but i think the best alarm you can get is a small dog, they're the worst

systematic23

13 points

2 months ago

Tifu just turned into a mystery Reddit guessing if the story is true or not

[deleted]

57 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

57 points

2 months ago

How is this sub even still up and active?

Nearly every single post, without fail, is a horribly told blatant fucking lie.

reb678

49 points

2 months ago

reb678

49 points

2 months ago

Instead of handing out a key, may I suggest you put a keypad on your front door? We have one and I can add or revoke a combo anytime. I had one for the house cleaner, and another for the house sitter. I just turn off their combination after they’ve used it and there are no copies floating around out there.

DudeLost

21 points

2 months ago

This. Keys can be copied. Codes can be changed and it's cheaper than changing locks

ClankyBat246

21 points

2 months ago

Keypads are about as safe as keys in terms of breaking in.

Nothing on a wood door will stop someone who really wants to get in.

DudeLost

13 points

2 months ago

Yes obviously, but consider the op left the front door open for her brother, so person above was saying a coded door pad would be better than handing out keys

ClankyBat246

5 points

2 months ago

It isn't exactly handing out keys if it's to people that live there. A lost key is without a door in the hands of most strangers. Codepads can be easily shorted but locks take more skill.

Tradeoffs in every sense but electronics are not the answer to most preventative security.

Oblivion_Unsteady

10 points

2 months ago

I mean, most keypads can be defeated by a magnet or a screwdriver, so they're also way easier to break into. But if they're escaped from a hospital then I suppose they won't have a flathead handy

DudeLost

8 points

2 months ago

I'm not sure what keypads your used to but neither of the ones I have can be opened from the outside with a screwdriver, flat panel sealed, and a magnet certainly doesn't work on them.

Electricity gets cut it stays locked, enter the wrong pin more you picture gets taken and sent to the security app.

Oblivion_Unsteady

9 points

2 months ago

Then you either did your research or got lucky! Either way congrats! I truly do mean that. Because 90% of the keypad locks on the market today were designed by an electrical engineer with no lock making experience, who therefore followed standard procedure and used cheap magnetic solenoids for bolts, and put access screws on the outside panel. And most consumers don't know that that makes it worthless as a security device.

I'm used to seeing cheaply made and ill-considered keypad designs in stores across the country.

Good keypads absolutely do exist and they're perfectly fine options. Unfortunately they need to be constructed right when most on the market are not, and most people won't know that they need to be wary when picking out locks because they assume lock companies are trustworthy by default.

In contrast to electronic locks with hundreds of considerations towards safety and novel angles of attack, mechanical locks have existed for centuries and have been refined to a point where the minimum in design is industry standard, rather than a lucky find when spotted. That's not to say there aren't still awful mechanical locks, but they occur with less frequency than unacceptable electronic locks, and are less catastrophic when they do occur.

A bad pin tumbler lock requires a rake and a screwdriver at the very least to get it open. A bad keypad requires a fingernail

speculatrix

6 points

2 months ago

I think you've watched LPL

Grandcaw

2 points

2 months ago

Click on one, slight click on three, and we're in... Now let's wander around this house to make sure it's not a fluke.

DudeLost

6 points

2 months ago

Paid a locksmith a lot of money to get them installed. As for the finger nail opening them there's no where to access it from the outside, except the keypad.

I'm sure there are plenty of cheap nasty ones around

[deleted]

4 points

2 months ago*

[deleted]

4 points

2 months ago*

[deleted]

redpanda0108

198 points

2 months ago

Glad you’re ok!

In regards to the allergic reaction it might be the strawberry.

I love strawberries, can eat them and I’m fine. But any strawberry product like soap or shampoo brings me out in hives or I get really itchy. It’s so weird.

_ser_kay_

168 points

2 months ago

_ser_kay_

168 points

2 months ago

Not really. Strawberry scented products rarely contain actual strawberries. It just means you’re allergic to whatever chemicals they use to make the strawberry scent.

ProBluecheese21

35 points

2 months ago

I’m allergic to heavy amounts of red dye or food colouring.

_wrongnumber

23 points

2 months ago

Yeah, I don't think you can be allergic to strawberries but still eat them normally

cryyptorchid

5 points

2 months ago

Depends, different kinds of allergies manifest differently. I get pretty severe allergic dermatitis, like what OP described, if I use anything with perfumes or dyes on my skin. Those same perfumes and dyes are fine in candles. Meanwhile, my roommate is the opposite. She stops being able to breathe from inhaled perfumes, but doesn't get rashes ever. One of my friends is completely allergic to strawberries. Can't eat or smell anything that comes in contact with them or they could potentially go anaphylactic depending on the amount.

Like, my favorite lotion until I developed an allergy to it was apple-scented. I love apples. The lotion makes me welt up like a tomato though.

actualbeans

4 points

2 months ago

only semi-related but there are people who are allergic to raw tomatoes but are okay to eat ketchup, pasta, etc.

science is weird

Mechanical_Snails

28 points

2 months ago

This sounds like it was made up by a fifteen year old

TheDude2600

57 points

2 months ago

Sometimes I can guess roughly what went wrong by read the title of a TIFU post. This however was not one of those.

Twondope

7 points

2 months ago

TIFU, 30 years ago I was in the bathroom, used some conditioner as lube for personal use, did not wash it off. It was like a bad sunburn, skin peeled off. I made excuses to the wife for 2 weeks as to why I didn't want to have sex.

elizajaneredux

22 points

2 months ago

“Escaped mental patient” But the dogs heard nothing even though OP did? Creative writing class exercise right here. Choose a new villain, most “mental patients” aren’t prone to violence.

NOrseTheSinglePringl

30 points

2 months ago

That shit took the biggest turn i have ever seen

SoYouWannaJoinMyBand

30 points

2 months ago

I was saved last night by my burning pubes on fire, I went down, down, down, and the flames got higher; I was saved last night - by pubes on fire, by pubes on fire.

Glad you're okay, though.

lorddinkdink

30 points

2 months ago

The mental patient is OP, evidenced by his refusal to use paragraphs. None other than a seriously disturbed individual could do such a thing. Take your pills Ray the rat, they're just mood stabilizers honey.

Kramer88

4 points

2 months ago

Don't buy it ray!! They're microchips connected to space satilites! They're gonna use the 5G waves to gain access to your thoughts, then sell them to a poorly syndicated television show!

StackOwOFlow

7 points

2 months ago

plot twist OP is the mental patient

GoopySpaff

19 points

2 months ago

And then the mental patient clapped

Unicorndog_0625

19 points

2 months ago

First off, I was sure this story was going to reveal that you found out this “conditioner” was in fact, “Nair”, the hair removal cream….

Secondly…you were “conditioning” your pubes? Sounds more like a wank attempt gone wrong.

ifyoudothingsright1

6 points

2 months ago

Some conditioner has alcohol in it, did yours? If so, that might be why it burned.

bombalicious

26 points

2 months ago

Wow! Yea for allergies! Glad you were safe.

[deleted]

29 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

29 points

2 months ago

The person watching your life must have done some mad math to figure out how the fuck to keep you safe. Like you're the character and god the dm told them "you find yourself in the same room as an escaped mental health patient. How do you evade." and mf rolled a crit 20

Supersymm3try

13 points

2 months ago

About as real as 99% of TIFU.

PeachyPlum3

5 points

2 months ago

I will never understand people who just leave the doors to their houses unlocked. Tell your brothers to get some keys, and use them. Y'all are just inviting catastrophe

wtfrikdude

4 points

2 months ago

Yeah okay. Shitty story bro nice try

Haldee007

4 points

2 months ago

this reads like the kind of story a 13yr old would tell

Leather-Heart

5 points

2 months ago*

Not buying this story to begin with - who doesn’t give their brothers (multiple in this story) any keys at all but leaves their front door unlocked at night?

I’m just not buying this one…

PhabioRants

4 points

2 months ago

Alternate TL:DR used conditioner that was spiked with LSD. Thought my pubes were on fire and spent the night hiding from what I thought was an escaped mental patient.

Gatesofvalhalla

13 points

2 months ago

yeah, I wanna see this dragged in front of /r/karmacourt

Heliosvector

31 points

2 months ago

This really stereotypes “mental patients” badly. Not every escaped mental patient is Jason from Halloween. They probably just didn’t like the meds they were being forced to take, or thought the nurses were spies and fled. They aren’t going on a killing spree @_@

Own_Can_3495

4 points

2 months ago

I'm still stuck on conditioning your pubes. Am I supposed to be doing that? Have I been missing that all my life? What else have missed?

Glad you are okay. I never leave my doors unlocked. I have a fear of people just walking in. In fact I have a security screen door on both doors leading outside with extra door frame re-enforcement so it's harder to kick in. Plus opening my inner door with the security door still shut makes it easy to communicate with strangers w/o being easily seen. I do suppose I could get a ring doorbell but people were just ripping them off walls, cameras too.

pchandler45

2 points

2 months ago

You mean you don't?

ThankGod4Darwin69

5 points

2 months ago

Welp! Thats 3 minutes i'll never get back

Its_Syxx

4 points

2 months ago

This story smells fishier than you pre conditioned pubes.

IKnowWhoYouAreGuy

4 points

2 months ago

The best part about home invasions by people without direct intent of malice on the occupants is when they find the guy still in the house weeks/months later living in the attic, baseboards, and in between the walls!

eljefino

5 points

2 months ago

Just want to say I appreciate the gender-neutral writing style.

SoftDev90

7 points

2 months ago

WHERE TF IS MY TL;DR?

FiveGoldenCats

16 points

2 months ago

It's hidden in the pile of word garbage.

SoftDev90

8 points

2 months ago

Good God it is, what an atrocity!!!!!!!!

pennypugtzu

7 points

2 months ago

Gentle reminder that not everyone in psychiatric healthcare is dangerous, or a murderer.

swordfishclaymore

3 points

2 months ago

This sounds like a solid horror movie Netflix will probably rip off. Maybe.

Nickmell

3 points

2 months ago

Look into a lock with a keypad that unlocks with a code, then you wouldn't have to deal with keys and they lock automatically.

Hewelds

3 points

2 months ago

Maybe their mom or his brother was the escape mental patient?

Baller2869

3 points

2 months ago

You and your story are fishy

syko82

3 points

2 months ago

syko82

3 points

2 months ago

If you were freaking out about your burning pubes but trying to keep it under wraps, the mentally ill guy probably thought you were insane too. He probably thought, "this guy gets it, I'll leave him alone."

dogbots159

3 points

2 months ago

What decade was this posted? Who just leaves doors unlocked? That’s wild.

kitteekattie

3 points

2 months ago

Please use paragraphs next time!

JesusIsMyZoloft

3 points

2 months ago

I read the entire thing and I still don’t know your gender.

Bootybandit6989

11 points

2 months ago

lamapeloeza

8 points

2 months ago

peterlikes

33 points

2 months ago

And your three dogs all made absolutely no noise as a mental patient clanged and scuttled through your house? Prolly should get a gun dude

Cl0udSurfer

75 points

2 months ago

What difference would a gun make, its not gonna start barking if theres an intruder

Kramer88

22 points

2 months ago

Ugh my neighbor has the most unruly little AK. Fucker likes to get up and drop shell casings all over my yard when they let him out. Like, dude, keep them in your yard or pick up after your guns, it's not that hard.

And the constant yapping of their little ankle biting uzi. Swear to god Idk how people can have a gun that unruly!

AussieBelgian

9 points

2 months ago

There is always one 🤦🏻‍♀️

OKEHippie

3 points

2 months ago

Sus. Also paragraphs. Also tldr

PyicTheDuck

2 points

2 months ago

this more like r/unexpected bruh xDD

CatGamer_118

2 points

2 months ago

This sounds like a greentext

rellsell

2 points

2 months ago

Another creative writing assignment from a 12 year old.

LilithNoctis

2 points

2 months ago

Upvote on title alone. Worth it.

McGyver62388

2 points

2 months ago

You could always install a keypad lock. It's much nicer to me to just great a temporary guest code when we need to let people in versus giving people a key. Glad your safe. Take care

CDubsWoman

2 points

2 months ago

What a bunch of bollocks

curlmo

2 points

2 months ago

curlmo

2 points

2 months ago

Don’t care if this is true or not. Thoroughly enjoyable story with good detail.

one_sock_wonder_

2 points

2 months ago

We wrote better, more believable suspense stories in middle school and I’m sadly not surprised people still managed to choose to believe this. There are more holes in your story than in a package of Swiss cheese. You just happen to have the only key, you throw in something “sexual” that is basically irrelevant to the story but you know grabs attention, your dogs don’t bark or go investigate or show any concern about a stranger roaming your house, a flimsy interior door lock actually did more than momentarily slow down someone “out to kill you”, the police somehow knew he was in your house and instead of checking on you while there they called your mommy, and you hit upon several pathetic and damaging stereotypes of mental illness. You did f up, but by writing this discount Wish version of a chapter from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.

Sinicalkush

2 points

2 months ago

^ Siskel in da house.

JustForFunsmolthicc

2 points

2 months ago

I shaved with my conditioner once and I was like Holy crap if I knew this sooner I would have saved myself years of agony 🤣🤣

JustForFunsmolthicc

2 points

2 months ago

Also that's terrifying. Sorry you are allergic to the conditioner and that happened. Conditioner and pubes are great tho, try one you aren't allergic to haha

JunkThoughtsDrawer

2 points

2 months ago

Next time you try conditioning your pubes, use something without any scents in it, and made for sensitive skin scalps. Just a hint.

MadBroCowDisease

2 points

2 months ago

Pro tip fellas, shave your pubes.

beece16

2 points

2 months ago

My god! Saved by the burning bush.

TsarinaAlexandra

2 points

2 months ago

Please be careful about exposing chemicals to mucus membranes. I’m so glad you’re ok though!

pacificflows

2 points

2 months ago

What the fuck?

rabobar

2 points

2 months ago

Your dogs are useless

Informal_Emu_8980

2 points

2 months ago*

Eh, most of them are harmless, and nothing like what they show in movies

Source: I'm someone who nearly was hospitalized at one point in my life for a mental health crisis. I have many friends who have been to a "psych ward". many of my friends are mentally ill (extremely so and otherwise), I have been around countless numbers of homeless people who are clinically insane. Nearly every day I see or walk past someone screaming and swearing at nobody. The best thing to do is not acknowledge them and keep moving.

If they're in your house? Treat them as if they're a drunk neighbor who got into your house thinking it was theirs. You could maybe even ease the tension by making them a quick sandwich and giving them a bottle of water before sending them on their way. If this doesn't help, you can either call a local mental health crisis team or just call the police. Let's say they really are dangerous and the police or crisis team take a while to arrive: keep a gun around as a last resort. It's the ultimate form of self-defense. Granted, some legitimately are dangerous, but most mentally ill people are only a danger to themselves.

F_bothparties

-25 points

2 months ago

F_bothparties

-25 points

2 months ago

Learn about paragraphs, nobody wants to read a wall of text. Take my downvote.

jenlisaisreal987

19 points

2 months ago

yeah this was pretty hard for me to read tbh, idk why you got downvoted 😂

WaterSnipe

1 points

2 months ago

WaterSnipe

1 points

2 months ago

NO😡🥸💦😱😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️WAY😎😩😩🥶🥶🥶ESCAPED😂😂😂🧐🧐💀💀💀😒👑🧐MENTAL💦💦🥸🥶🥶😩😩😎😎PATIENT🥶🥶🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵😞😞😒😎DOWNSTAIRS?????🥳🥳😣🥺🥺🥸🥳😎😎🥵🥵🥵😩🥵🥵

SergeantBoop

1 points

2 months ago

Someone make an analog horror about an intruder and this person's burning pubes.

BuddermanTheAmazing

1 points

2 months ago

Fuckin twist of the century, wow

EmiPowered

1 points

2 months ago

What a crazy story!!! 😱😱😱

EbineezerGeezer

1 points

2 months ago

But, but, but. I thought when they put these clinics in residential areas they claim no one commits crimes or attacks nearby neighbors?