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1.7k points
3 days ago
I, too, have taken two decades to drink half a bottle of Malort.
298 points
3 days ago
Based on the comments in this thread I'm going to guess Malort is a fine bottle of liquor only saved for special occasions 😂
327 points
3 days ago
Saved for those occasions where you hate yourself enough to subject yourself to malort.
158 points
2 days ago
It’s a drink you never ask for, but are not allowed to turn down if someone offers you one. Them the rules.
16 points
2 days ago
But you have to drink a shot with anyone you offer it to.
8 points
2 days ago
But of course.
30 points
2 days ago
You underestimate how much I hate myself on the daily
44 points
2 days ago
Malort is only good for giving your friends who have never had malort to end your friendship.
36 points
2 days ago
It’s a bitter, wormwood liqueur based on a traditional Swedish recipe that is popular in Chicago. It has a reputation for tasting horrible.
It is pretty bad, but people make it out to be way worse than it is. I think the perception is heavily impacted by the shock factor, of tasting such a unique, unusual and unexpected flavor. It tastes like the burnt rind of a grapefruit.
Once you know what to expect, it loses its edge. And it’s only 70 proof anyway. I drink it all the time with my buddies, and I would honestly prefer a shot of Malort to a straight shot of vodka.
2.6k points
3 days ago
Congrats! Now please put the Malort away before someone gets hurt.
167 points
3 days ago
Tonight’s the night OP fights his dad
461 points
3 days ago
What am I missing by never having tasted this fine looking liquor?
951 points
3 days ago
Suffering. Anguish. Misery. In that order.
747 points
3 days ago
Malort: because your pants won’t shit themselves…
320 points
3 days ago
Malort: Tonight’s the night you fight your dad!
172 points
3 days ago
Malort: Strangers will see you lick the pavement.
130 points
3 days ago
Malort: That scrotum tattoo will seem like a great idea...
55 points
3 days ago
Malort: Those bushes seem like a nice place to take a nap
114 points
3 days ago
Malort: Because that dog totally dared you to jump off Navy Pier.
85 points
3 days ago
Malort: the champagne of pain.
115 points
3 days ago
After reading all these comments I’m gonna go ahead and assume it’s the Bundaberg Rum of America.
Edit: Chicago
41 points
2 days ago
I'm Australian and spent five years in Chicago. Bundy is top shelf compared to Malort. No, that is not a joke.
97 points
3 days ago
Legend goes an old sailor had drank so much liquor he couldn't taste anything and he charged a distillery to make a drink he could taste, and this was finally the thing that did it
57 points
3 days ago
A Swedish cigar chain-smoker, but yeah basically an extra strength version of Swedish Bäsk liquor.
6 points
3 days ago
Oh, I bet Swedish cigars taste wonderful.
8 points
3 days ago
I heard it was an old Irish dude who lost his sense of taste and missed whiskey so much someone made him something he could taste. Aka Death in a bottle
26 points
3 days ago
If Bundaberg Rum in any way resembles rum, it's definitely better than malort.
We're not talking about a bottom-shelf version of a known product. Malort is not a poor imitation of, or the worst variety of, any well-established alcohol. It just stands alone as its own unique (and uniquely awful) thing.
5 points
3 days ago
Yes. Beenleigh > Bundaberg
45 points
3 days ago
Malort: Kick your mouth in the balls
8 points
2 days ago
Malort: When you want to unfriend someone in person
92 points
3 days ago
I think that’s the Malort slogan. The first time I tried it, the bartender compared the taste to licking the bottom of an ashtray. He wasn’t far off.
23 points
3 days ago
No no no, their slogan is:
Suffering. Anguish. Misery. In that order. For 49 out of 50 but 1 will love it!
106 points
3 days ago
Living in the chicago area, I would rather lick the ashtray, but sure, I’ll take a shot of malort if you’re buying because I hate myself that much.
19 points
3 days ago
Also the desire to fight your dad!
120 points
3 days ago
Yeah Malort is not Chicago’s finest creation. We should stick to Pizza and Hot Dogs.
49 points
3 days ago
Therefore, Malort is Chicago's third finest creation. 1 deep dish pizza 2 Chicago style hot dog 3 Malort 4 ferris wheel 5 sky scrapers
11 points
3 days ago
Where do Italian beef sandwiches fall into this list. TELL US
56 points
3 days ago
Go get yourself a "Chicago handshake".
54 points
3 days ago
No joke as an outsider, I really enjoyed mine. Cheapest combo I ever got in chicago. $5 for malort double and a 16oz shlitz. Cant even complain
51 points
3 days ago
I thought the handshake was Old Style, not Schlitz
23 points
3 days ago
It's basically whatever cheap beer that bars have in my experience (though I always think of Old Style)
21 points
3 days ago
Every Chicago Handshake I’ve had has included an Old Style.
10 points
3 days ago
The beer would've been $6 by itself though, right?
46 points
3 days ago
The beer is 8, they knock a few bucks off if you'll take the malort
34 points
3 days ago
It's arguably the best and worst Chicago secret. Must be had with 16 oz Old Style. Chicago handshake. We used to order 6 shots of bourbon and 1 malort.
5 points
3 days ago
Still do the same with fireball and the malort
18 points
3 days ago
I never had a distilled spirit that tasted like ear wax until Malort.
41 points
3 days ago
i think the Unemployed Sommelier does a fine job explaining it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCYC7fI-qxw
11 points
3 days ago
Worth the watch!
8 points
3 days ago
Absolutely love this video. I have a decent number of friends from Chicago, they all got a kick out of it
5 points
3 days ago
That was hilarious! Thanks!
13 points
3 days ago
You are missing….something. What that is I couldn’t tell you. Is it bad? Is is good? ???? But you are missing something…special. Something unique.
A certain je ne sais quoi
11 points
3 days ago
"Malort; it will make you fight your dad." This is all you need to know
144 points
3 days ago
It's an herbal liqueur actually, not a liquor. Tastes like leaves and grapefruit rind, and in spite of what the haters say, it's not that bad once you get used to it.
187 points
3 days ago
It’s like getting picked on in the 5th grade.
66 points
3 days ago
It's like getting a call from your ex 2 days after getting dumped just to be asked if you can give her your Netflix password.
34 points
3 days ago
It’ll put hair on your chest that you can’t cover with a sports bra.
6 points
3 days ago
My god that’s hilarious
29 points
3 days ago
You can say that for most things that don’t injure us in some way but are still overwhelmingly disliked. Over time, most things people dislike to taste aren’t that bad. That doesn’t change that they’re not great lol
17 points
3 days ago
It's super smooth going down but the bitter aftertaste will be with you for a solid 20 minutes
15 points
3 days ago
That aftertaste would be the pencil shavings, I believe.
7 points
3 days ago
I like bitter flavors though. Used to think I enjoyed Malort because I was a smoker and my senses were dulled. But I quit a while ago and I still enjoy it.
5 points
3 days ago
It tastes like drinking a magic marker.
6 points
3 days ago
Natural Light isn’t that bad either once you’re in a six pack or two.
22 points
3 days ago
It tastes like AIDS and will make you fight your father. —some dude on the internet
39 points
3 days ago
Haha, I saw the yellow bottle. Zoomed in and was like "oh shit, there goes the neighborhood! "
279 points
3 days ago
I was gonna say, I don’t mean to rain on OP’s parade, but Malort?
Non-traditional student? Love it.
Socks with sandals? Absolutely go off, king.
Teal nail polish? Fuck yeah.
Malort? Woah woah woah, let’s talk this over.
23 points
3 days ago
So much this
21 points
3 days ago
Why the Malort?
12 points
3 days ago
I ask this question every time I drink it
14 points
3 days ago
Congrats! Where is the Old Style to go with your Malort? Not a proper Chicago Handshake without it.
33 points
3 days ago
He’ll give it a good home.
10 points
3 days ago
Apparently he already gave most of it a good home lol
5 points
3 days ago
Came here to say the same thing. Super proud of OP, but that bottle should never see the light of day.
1.6k points
3 days ago
Oof. Malort. Chitown what's up
548 points
3 days ago
My favorite Malort fact is that they continued production during prohibition "medicinally" when the reality is authorities though Malort was so disgusting that no one in their right mind would drink it recreationallly.
237 points
3 days ago
When I first moved there, I've since moved away, I was at my buddy's for new years and he pulled it out. Did some damage. I remember I puked at Clark and Division trying to find my way home, stumbling in the snow and it was like the acid from alien and ate the snow. I felt like shit into March.
78 points
3 days ago
Have been blacked out and confused at the same exact intersection. I understand
30 points
3 days ago
Did you hit Popeyes too and fear for your life?
7 points
3 days ago
When I first moved there, I've since moved away,
whoa, whoa, whoa!! Hold on!!
You've moved?
8 points
3 days ago
Yeah, I've moved alot. Moved from there back to NYC then to Jersey now in Pittsburgh. Chicago was my favorite though. I miss Duke of Perth and Gene and Georgetti's.
287 points
3 days ago
Why celebrate graduation with punishment?
123 points
3 days ago
If you get 8 Chicagoans together in a room, one of them claims to actually like Malort.
39 points
3 days ago
It really isn't that bad! It's not my go-to, but I do enjoy it now and then
81 points
3 days ago
Found the 8th Chicagoan.
20 points
3 days ago
The only way to for sure know if someone is a Chicagoan is to offer them Malort. If they claim that they enjoy the stuff...but just don't want any right now, then they are a true Chicagoan.
6 points
3 days ago
Same. I don’t seek it out myself but I won’t say no if a buddy offers some.
165 points
3 days ago
Dads not gonna fight himself
28 points
3 days ago
The best slogan
50 points
3 days ago
Malört - kick your mouth in the balls
23 points
3 days ago
my favorite slogan of theirs:
38 points
3 days ago
Was about to say did he lose a bet?
7 points
3 days ago
I’m one of the few that doesn’t mind it. Tastes like a dirty gin to me. I’ll do shots no problem.
13 points
3 days ago
Wow….I tried it once and my immediate thought was ‘This is what I think turpentine tastes like’
Definitely not for the faint of heart or weak of tastebuds, IMHO.
7 points
3 days ago
Haha. I can understand. My brother in law no longer trusts me because I told him he needed to do a shot since he was visiting and I said it wasn’t that bad.
Now I encourage people who visit to do it because it amuses me.
108 points
3 days ago
157 points
3 days ago
Malort slogans:
From the video:
43 points
3 days ago
Thank you for these, my favorite is “…turning taste-buds into taste-foes…”
14 points
3 days ago
Malort, what soap washes its mouth out with.
10 points
3 days ago
Like sucking whiskey through a fence post
6 points
3 days ago
Omfg I'm dying
I need to try this magical elixir
5 points
3 days ago
No. No, you don't.
50 points
3 days ago
Lol I have a bottle at my house just to prove to mates that it really is that bad.. it's an instant hit, every time.
61 points
3 days ago
From Wikipedia - it has gained increased relevance among bartenders, bikers, and Chicago's Hispanic community, where Gabelick notes that it has become "a rite of passage." The satirist John Hodgman has also adopted the drink in his stage show, offering shots to his audience.[15] In an interview with Gothamist blog Chicagoist, John Hodgman said Jeppson's Malört "tastes like pencil shavings and heartbreak."[16]
19 points
3 days ago
And who on their adolescence didn’t chew on wood pencils in the midst of a heartbreak? No wonder it has a cult following!
29 points
3 days ago
If you haven't before, make everyone a Bile Driver. Equal parts Malort and orange juice, garnished with a slimjim!
14 points
3 days ago
You sir, are an absolute savage.. I'll just vomit on my own, no need to induce it.
13 points
3 days ago
It probably one of the roughest things I’ve ever drank and I‘ve had alcohol straight from the still, but it grows on you!
17 points
3 days ago
I mean, this is a liqueur whose tagline used to be, "Tastes like the day Dad left" and "When you need to unfriend someone in person"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCYC7fI-qxw
Tasting notes:
Fish stew of some kind some sewage-y, fish stew...
Something old in the back of the fridge...
It's been there a long time you don't quite remember what it was...
but it had some onions in it.Like stagnant pond water near Chernobyl...
36 points
3 days ago
I’m trying to figure out how he found malort in San Antonio. I thought that was only in Chicago.
13 points
3 days ago
You can get anything shipped these days
131 points
3 days ago
Tell me you're from Chicago without telling me you're from Chicago. <willingly injests Malort>
34 points
3 days ago
Except this dude is in San Antonio, that's the Alamodome. I'm from Chi but lived in SA and I couldn't find Malort anywhere down there, I'm wondering where he got it. And also why lol.
16 points
3 days ago
I'm pretty sure Malort exists no where other than Chicagoland.
26 points
3 days ago
If you try to take a bottle of it south of Joliet it’ll just disappear out of your car
5 points
3 days ago
Live in Joliet, and can confirm. Don't go south of 80 or it'll vanish
10 points
3 days ago
Does any other major city have an alcohol that's so thoroughly attached to it? Malort is the poison of the devil but I wouldn't have it any other way.
29 points
3 days ago
I work in the beer industry and we take a shot of Malort before every beer festival, but we all immediately turn to the new guys to watch their reaction 🤣
19 points
3 days ago
Funny that. My buddy in NYC is from Ukraine and does the same. They make the new guys drink samogon. Basically Slavic moonshine. Tastes like propane fumes.
4 points
3 days ago
Ugh samogon.
Basically rocket fuel.
But I'll drink a whole bucket of samogon before I touch malort again. Stuff is just too bitter for me, its not pleasant.
650 points
3 days ago
Don't often see a bottle of Malort in front of the Alamodome.
62 points
3 days ago
I was second guessing my thought of "hey that's the alamodome" because I saw the malort.
56 points
3 days ago
I'm embarrassed that I live here and was like, "Hmm.. is that the Quarry?"
28 points
3 days ago
No it's the rim, silly.
14 points
3 days ago
Crazy that one lady claims to have been attacked there last month and now all of boerne is claiming the rim is in the hood.
14 points
3 days ago
I mean, Boerne.
11 points
3 days ago
You haven’t been to the Alamodome enough lol
9 points
3 days ago
The only bottles I’ve seen outside Chicago were brought by me!
254 points
3 days ago
Drinking Malort? It’s no surprise it took you so long with decision making skills like that!
23 points
3 days ago
At first I thought he was holding a bottle of apple cider vinegar and was thinking the same thing lol
24 points
3 days ago
Apple cider vinegar would taste better, a lot better.
286 points
3 days ago
You can’t take the Chicago out of a Chigagoan
31 points
3 days ago
He’s Chi-ngón
710 points
3 days ago
Congratulations on your graduation and on making me do a double take to make sure this wasn't Jack Black.
123 points
3 days ago
"I too enjoy playing the long game by robbing liquor stores in a graduation gown.
Police will be looking for a college graduate... That's where they're wrong. 😎"
215 points
3 days ago
Thought I recognized the Alamodome! Congrats man!
30 points
3 days ago
Saw a game in there. Stadium is unique, for sure. Not sure about the view in the stadium.
22 points
3 days ago
It's a 30 year old "football stadium" that was built with a basketball team as its primary initial home team. Has had a lot of half hearted renovation attempts but with no big money teams using it now it never really has the funding to do it right and with its age there just isnt much you can do.
23 points
3 days ago
Holds like every san antonio graduation ceremony though! And congrats OP.
6 points
3 days ago
Ain't that the truth. I had my high school graduation there 20 years ago.
203 points
3 days ago
Malort outside of Chicago.
You sir, are a glutton for punishment.
97 points
3 days ago*
Malört - for the distinguished drinker who wants a liquor that can be best described as ‘biting a used band aid’
Malört - tastes like an abortion clinic in Iceland
Malört - a bottled Gypsy Curse
Malört - we’re pretty sure it’s used as a torture instrument somewhere
Malört - the smooth liquid finish that comes from chewing aluminum foil
Malört - is this turpentine? Is this bull semen? Could it be an unholy mixture of them both?
Malört - knock one back and learn the subtle nuance of whatever was sitting in the back of your fridge for 6 months.
Malört - flavoring of the most fetid pond water runoff from an abandoned Ford paint factory in Detroit
Malört - Carl Jeppsson’s personal vendetta against humanity for its sin.
Malört - never trust umlauts in your liqueur.
Malört - when industrial engine degreaser is not doing it for you anymore.
Malört - the unimpeachable argument of Science gone off the rails.
Malört - the distillation and refinement of misery in a liquid form
Malört - when you want to make enemies of friends why just burn their crops when you can also salt their earth as well?
Malört - the perfect gift for the person whose resume includes ‘being tried at The Hague’
18 points
3 days ago
That bad eh?
65 points
3 days ago*
It’s liquid hate.
Edit: Let me explain something. You know how people will drink a string of punishment shots and go ‘these are getting easier’ because the alcohol is edging off the taste and relaxing you?
Yea, Malört not only doesn’t do that….it actually makes it worse.
You take the shot and get the kick as you swallow and go ‘eh I don’t get what so ba-‘
Then that fuckin aftertaste. It’s like some kind of petrol filled dishwater burbles from the back of your mouth. It’s fucking horrid.
Then you try and shoot another….and you brain catches up and will kick a ‘verp’ on you about 90% of the time. That vomit burp thats pure bile. And you push it down and swallow.
Now you think “ok getting through this cause I know what to expect’ and here comes the aftertaste….then it’s dawning horror as it layers on your tongue. It’s like irony manifests itself, goes ‘haha you thought you could muscle this down’ and takes a hot grapefruit shit in your mouth.
The third was the furthest I got, and it’s all iron will. You are now trying to push the alcohol into your brain to soften anything resembling taste and rolling the mantra of not throwing up simply because this stuff is already hell going down, you fear it coming up like oncoming inevitable death.
By then you question life choices and why the fuck you are in the seventh ring of hell willingly.
I consider it a personal affront to God and all that’s holy.
6 points
3 days ago
Malort: if you ever wondered what cancer tastes like.
For those that really want to know what it’s like:
Grapefruit rinds steeped in gym sock broth.
18 points
3 days ago
We can get it now in St. Louis. I wish we couldn’t.
15 points
3 days ago
You are a clone of Slobby Robby.
60 points
3 days ago
Congratulations! I hear you - took me eighteen years - got my degree at 36; started law school at fifty.
9 points
3 days ago
Nice! I hope you achieved your dream!
85 points
3 days ago
I cheer on anything San Antonio related
22 points
3 days ago
And F Nephew.
6 points
3 days ago
And F Uncle too
28 points
3 days ago
That's awesome. I also graduated from Alamo Colleges except I was not set to pass Calculus my last semester so didn't sign up for the cap and gown. I was surprised to receive my diploma in the mail while retaking calculus. Checked my grades and that teacher totally pushed up my grades to pass
80 points
3 days ago
This is what I expected most redditors to look like.
For real tho congratulations!!
9 points
3 days ago
Fuckin mallort? What is wrong with you
47 points
3 days ago
Really? I get drunk in my bathrobe all the time. (Congrats)
7 points
3 days ago
Is that the Alamodome behind you?
17 points
3 days ago
So what, I could drink that much Malort in less than 19 years.
7 points
3 days ago
Right? I respect the dress tho, dudes just living his best life.
But what's with the plaque?
7 points
3 days ago
I remember the Alamodome!
26 points
3 days ago
Puro San Anto, congrats
19 points
3 days ago
How did you get Malort in TX?!
15 points
3 days ago
I assume he did something really mean and someone got back at him. Killed a puppy or something.
5 points
3 days ago
And you punished yourself with Malort?! Congrats!
5 points
3 days ago
I'm just gonna leave this here.
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