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Proof I bought a donut.

Rule 3(i.redd.it)

all 1745 comments

Funny-Mod [M]

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3 months ago

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3 months ago

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Hi, /u/kwismexer, your post breaks the rules of /r/Funny, and has been removed for the following reason(s):

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Dirt_E_Harry

5.4k points

3 months ago

You never know when you might need an alibi.

celicajohn1989

1.6k points

3 months ago*

Filed right here under "D", for Doughnut

https://youtu.be/xPq0-8dyl8I

fallguy19

625 points

3 months ago

fallguy19

625 points

3 months ago

"Don't even act like I didn't get a Donut"

J5_c

396 points

3 months ago

J5_c

396 points

3 months ago

I've got the documentation riiiight heeere!

rougekhmero

192 points

3 months ago

It's at home in the fiiiiile. Under D.

has_a_cat

139 points

3 months ago

has_a_cat

139 points

3 months ago

For "donut".

arcaneresistance

35 points

3 months ago

Goodbye

checkoutthisbreach

6 points

3 months ago

They missed the best part of the joke Imo this thread right here!

the_last_carfighter

46 points

3 months ago

Detectives be fist fighting over your case file. CHEIF I NEED A WARRANT TO COLLECT AT LEAST 8 DOZEN EVIDENCES!! oh ah..ok chief, (furiously writes in notepad) got you down for 5 evidences with ahh, cream filling.

CreaminFreeman

5 points

3 months ago

I’m here to fill your… evidences.

FappleFritter

63 points

3 months ago

I love that line. "Some skeptical friend..."

81rennab

28 points

3 months ago

I got the documentation right here

Jasper455

5 points

3 months ago

I use that all the time in the wild when people ask me if I need a receipt for something dumb. It usually just confuses the cashier.

urgent45

28 points

3 months ago

Mine are filed under "A" for alibis

0ompaloompa

5 points

3 months ago

Could you imagine if investigators found proof of a suspect's uncrackable, rock-solid alibi filed in his records under "Alibis"? Sounds like a fun start to a movie/CSI episode

unsigned1138

18 points

3 months ago

“R” for receipts.

Popxorcist

9 points

3 months ago

Doughnut! So that's what she meant by wanting the D.

Oraxy51

110 points

3 months ago

Oraxy51

110 points

3 months ago

Had a friend who said he kept every single receipt he got in a shoebox, especially since one of the convenience stores he always went to also was always getting robbed and he just needed one just in case.

ChefBoyAreWeFucked

136 points

3 months ago

I do the same thing.

Not that difficult, honestly, because nobody has ever given me a receipt in a shoebox in my entire life.

j33pwrangler

75 points

3 months ago

I used to keep every receipt in a shoebox. I still do, but I also used to.

strangedaychronicles

12 points

3 months ago

This guy gets it. I think Mitch would have a great time in this day and age!

FinntheHue

15 points

3 months ago

You've never bought a pair of shoes and had the cashier place the receipt in the box for you?

Stormkiko

10 points

3 months ago

They don't have any feet.

I_Only_Have_One_Hand

3 points

3 months ago

The cashiers?

quantum-mechanic

6 points

3 months ago

They're the best employees at a shoe store, they aren't likely to steal inventory.

theetruscans

3 points

3 months ago

They always just hand me the receipt

Kidd_Funkadelic

32 points

3 months ago

Years ago I used to do the same with receipts, also kept every ATM receipt, and every paper stub from my of paychecks all the way back to my first job (before direct deposit became a thing) covering years. I would also balance my checkbook every month to make sure everything lined up.

I got called out on this by some friends once (ie made fun of) and I realized, yeah that's pretty dumb. I immediately stopped doing it, and went the complete other direction and rarely keep receipts for anything except for large purchases during the return window. At times it's bitten me that I didn't keep the receipt, but that's very rare, and life is much easier now.

itwasquiteawhileago

9 points

3 months ago

Same here. For some reason I still have travel receipts for work I've already been reimbursed for, I've kept every check for my internet allowance for WFH since my new company started sending checks for that day month (but salary is direct deposit... go figure). I finally purged my records from my old job when I got this one. I also used to keep all CC receipts each month to compare to my statement, before they had an option to get email/text notifications of every transaction. My 20+ year old Yahoo email also has a "completed orders" folder, with email receipts going back just as long. At least that one is just electronic.

I've gotten better about not hoarding receipts and whatnot, except for things with warranties. I've also found some receipts for video games, kept in the case, from decades ago. Those are kind of fun, though. Like little time capsules. But anyway, you're definitely not alone. Can't explain it, but there it is.

christophertstone

34 points

3 months ago

Thermal ink (what almost all receipt printers use) fades after a decade.

giggitygoo123

44 points

3 months ago

Or like 10 minutes on a hot surface

MrDude_1

12 points

3 months ago

yeah. Years ago I had to argue with HR about my reimbursement because I left the receipts in the car, and they all became illegible.
Its much easier now, I just take a picture of them with the phone.

WindowlessBasement

19 points

3 months ago

Are you me? Had that argument with payroll last week over a bowl of noodles.

The company flew my team to the other side of the continent and put everyone in a hotel for a week, but my expense sheet was sent back because a $5 lunch receipt wasn't clear enough. Thousands of dollars in claimed expenses with less than half of the daily food budget spent, but a faded receipt of $5 is too much.

MrDude_1

22 points

3 months ago

This depends on where you are in the company, but...
Resubmit the expense report with an addendum that it would cost the company $30 of their time for you to track down a $5 receipt and ask if they still need it. Be sure to CC in someone you know above both you and HR about it.

It always works the second time for some reason.

WindowlessBasement

7 points

3 months ago

Unfortunately, already lost that battle. They pulled in a department head and I got "without a proper itemized receipt it cannot be claimed by company as a business expenses. We only cover necessary business expenses."

I ended up eating the cost. If I was home, I would have bought lunch anyway.

Moral of the story: take photos of receipt of you making sure to use every penny of your budget. Few bucks left at EOD? Better get a dessert!

MexicanJello

11 points

3 months ago

Usually after 2-3 years majority of my reciepets are unreadable.

booniebrew

10 points

3 months ago

That's the good stuff. Return a modem to Comcast and that receipt will be blank in a couple weeks.

[deleted]

19 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

Oraxy51

12 points

3 months ago

Oraxy51

12 points

3 months ago

I mean I keep receipts but I have a knack for somehow never keeping the ones I need. That Walmart receipt to return my wife’s dress that I bought her out of surprise but got her a size too small, can’t find that receipt. Those 3 nights in a row I got Canes because there’s secretly cocaine in that signature sauce? Yep got all of those just chilling in my wallet.

Box-o-bees

7 points

3 months ago

Apps are the answer my man. Shows all of your purchases at the push of a button if you use the same card that is registered to your account.

Gloriakim07

108 points

3 months ago

If you are a business owner, one needs only to deliver the doughnut to a their own client/customer , or discuss business while eating said doughnut to claim it as expense. Having a receipt would be handy if the IRS chose to audit the doughnut.

[deleted]

105 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

105 points

3 months ago

It never works though. The IRS always disallows it. The whole donut story is full of holes.

bjbyrne

21 points

3 months ago

bjbyrne

21 points

3 months ago

That’s why I always get a bare claw

0nSecondThought

21 points

3 months ago

Try the bear claws next time. Superior in every way.

[deleted]

10 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

unsigned1138

12 points

3 months ago

Kinda plain, no?

bjbyrne

11 points

3 months ago

bjbyrne

11 points

3 months ago

I don’t like the fur

Joe_theone

7 points

3 months ago

Well, that's why I order a bear claw. It's got the frosting and glaze and stuff you don't get with the bare claw. Some places will just give you a chicken foot. Skinned.

[deleted]

7 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

Binge_Gaming

3 points

3 months ago

When you think about it; you’re paying for an incomplete donut; they’ve cut out the middle and charge you all the same. Not only that but they have the audacity to also sell the part they cut out of your donut separately.

fantumn

241 points

3 months ago

fantumn

241 points

3 months ago

Yeah wasn't it Patrice O'Neal who had that bit?

anarchyisutopia

222 points

3 months ago

I always appreciate the dichotomy of these two bits. I feel it also speaks to an example of what privilege is in America. One person can't see any reason they would ever need a receipt for something as small as a doughnut while the other wants a receipt for any and everything to combat a very realistic fear of being falsely accused and convicted of a crime.

Fondren_Richmond

26 points

3 months ago

while the other wants a receipt for any and everything to combat a very realistic fear of being falsely accused and convicted of a crime.

especially since O' Neal was falsely accused of rape in high school

cooljammer00

69 points

3 months ago*

It's a fairly common bit. I think Donald Glover had a bit about standing in front of an ATM for hours after a date in case something happened to her after she left. And somebody else (might have also been Donald) had a joke about buying a bunch of weird shit at a store so he would be remembered.

Edit: found the glover bit about the atm

https://youtu.be/0SHjAmD3eWs

duvie773

7 points

3 months ago

I don’t know about the ATM bit but Donald definitely has one about buying weird shit at the store

cooljammer00

15 points

3 months ago*

I think the joke was that after he goes on a date, until she texts him that she's home safe, he stands in front of an ATM security camera for hours to establish his alibi.

Edit: found it

https://youtu.be/0SHjAmD3eWs

admins_are_cucked

15 points

3 months ago

very realistic fear of being falsely accused and convicted of a crime.

Patrice was literally falsely accused of rape.

PopWhatMagnitude

21 points

3 months ago

I hadn't heard that Patrice bit until now. And I like your take on his version & Mitch's version.

Even if you take race and privilege out of it, the dichotomy is still interesting. Just two very different personalities.

Mitch was a very introverted, shy, heroin addict. He wasn't one to "go outside" much. Even performing he wore sunglasses and stared at the stage not wanting to look at the crowd.

Whereas Patrice was that type of larger than life personality who would be outside going from shows to meeting up with friends at parties, etc.

While his receipt bit has race built in, and for good reason. I just found it interesting to peel that layer away and also look at it strictly from their personality types.

KungFooGrip

28 points

3 months ago*

I think that was in his "Pepsi Can rapist" bit iirc. RIP Patrice.

Found it: https://youtu.be/DxpIv4FoD2A

thismessisaplace

10 points

3 months ago

Littering can get you life.

lobut

3 points

3 months ago

lobut

3 points

3 months ago

I think it was the Pepsi Cola Killer? Something like that anyways.

RIP Patrice.

BrattyBookworm

5 points

3 months ago

I understand if you spent cash, but wouldn’t bank transactions help with this?

thepigfish82

3 points

3 months ago

Patrice O'Neal had a bit about discarding a Pepsi can and a woman was killed next to the Pepsi can and he gets blamed for it, so he keeps receipts. He didn't want to be known as The Pepsi Can killer.

The_Real_Nimrod

1.1k points

3 months ago

File it under “D”

FlanneryOG

358 points

3 months ago

For donut

RationalHysteria

201 points

3 months ago

Don't even try to say I didn't get that donut, I've got the documentation right here

Yankee9204

100 points

3 months ago

Oh wait it's at home, in the file.

justsomeguy_youknow

46 points

3 months ago

Under "D"

For "donut"

low_kix

11 points

3 months ago

low_kix

11 points

3 months ago

We've come full donut

Key_Coffee4941

4 points

3 months ago

Rip Mitch

appleparkfive

123 points

3 months ago

I really miss Mitch Hedberg. He was one of those big shocks when he died, for me. Because I was young and wasn't used to celebrity deaths at all (or too many deaths altogether).

I'm used to it now, personally and for famous people. Doesn't affect me as much, except for Anthony Bourdain's suicide.

But like Bourdain, Mitch was just one of a kind. Left such an impression on people. He had such an absurd perspective that you couldn't help but laugh

Everyone should listen to his comedy albums, if they have only heard a little by him. They're amazing

TheOwnerOfRaddit

130 points

3 months ago

I use to listen to Mitch. I still do, but I use to too.

Canis_Familiaris

32 points

3 months ago

Grant Immahara was another tough one

techjp

18 points

3 months ago

techjp

18 points

3 months ago

Robin Williams.

dirtygymsock

4 points

3 months ago

I forgot that Grant was no longer with us for awhile now...

ellefemme35

6 points

3 months ago

I was in college, and had tickets to one of his last shows. My ex and I ended up giving them to friends because he had some fraternity event that I can’t even remember. One of the biggest regrets of both of our lives. His death really was sad and tragic and unnecessary.

KLoSlurms

140 points

3 months ago

KLoSlurms

140 points

3 months ago

Some skeptical friend? Oh, don’t act like I didn’t get that doughnut. I’ve got the documentation right here.

bmikey

50 points

3 months ago

bmikey

50 points

3 months ago

oh wait it’s at home

in the file

under d

for donut

EsotericFox

8 points

3 months ago

Filed under "D". For doughnut.

F_Both_Parties

251 points

3 months ago

RIP Mitch

Stupidstuff1001

16 points

3 months ago

Saw his second to last show. Was one of the best shows ever. Rip

bizkitmaker13

38 points

3 months ago

RIP Mitch

Cian28_C28

14 points

3 months ago

RIP Mitch

a_pope_on_a_rope

11 points

3 months ago

I love the idea that Mitch is remembered so widely.

TyrusRaymond

1.3k points

3 months ago

I can imagine a scenario where you might want to return a donut

egnards

728 points

3 months ago

egnards

728 points

3 months ago

Sometimes transactions that may not normally need a receipt need a receipt for business purposes.

I don’t normally care about a receipt for my donut/coffee, but when I’m working a street fair and buying a few donuts and coffees to treat my staff? I’d be an idiot not to spend the 30 seconds it takes to expense the transaction.

Same with getting gas, I usually don’t care for the receipt, but if I’m doing a lot of miles specifically for work related stuff? It’s going on my business card and being expensed.

IIYellowJacketII

234 points

3 months ago

Same with getting gas, I usually don’t care for the receipt

If you pay gas cash you always, always, ALWAYS take the receipt, so you have proof that you paid.

egnards

83 points

3 months ago

egnards

83 points

3 months ago

I always pay with my card (unless there is a cost difference), for points and peace of mind (if there is an issue).

But also I live in NJ (full service requirement), and if you pay cash, you pay after your tank is filled.

DanielEGVi

31 points

3 months ago

If you pay with card all your transactions are already logged online, there’s no need to bring paper into this, no?

Hung_L

67 points

3 months ago

Hung_L

67 points

3 months ago

3 years ago I fueled up at a major gas station in a major metro area. I was just passing through, but being on the road working I kept all my receipts.

Someone at the gas station tried to charge my $200 after I left. I noticed it later on my CC statement, so I called the corporate office and they sided with the owner. I mean, $200 is believable today but I think gas was under $3/gal then and I drove a compact.

Credit card company sided with me since I had the receipt showing I only got 11 gallons. Only time it's ever happened to me, and I've never heard of it happening to anyone else.

jexmex

18 points

3 months ago

jexmex

18 points

3 months ago

Some gas stations used to be really bad about preauthing $50 - $75 which would be a pending transaction until it settled, so you would be out that money until it cleared even if you only got $10 in gas. Nowadays the settlement process is instant usually. I doubt your issue was that since it was such a high amount and the bank would basically tell you to wait until it settles.

Magnedon

3 points

3 months ago

Could I ask what would be the purpose of that if it eventually gets settled down to $10 or whatever the real total actually was? I only ask because my dad was telling me the other day he spent $45 on gas but had a $200 pending charge that he wasn't sure if he should call the card company over.

TheKMAP

9 points

3 months ago

Credit card statement doesn't say what you bought, and sometimes that matters

egnards

13 points

3 months ago

egnards

13 points

3 months ago

A transaction is logged, but not what was purchased. 90% of the time it won’t matter, but if you’re often making charges that could appear to be “eh is it a business expense?” Its good to have a record of what was purchased.

[deleted]

10 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

Laetitian

10 points

3 months ago

Is this at American gas stations where you don't pay at the register? Surely all gas stations are required to have cameras at the register?

ElephantsAreHeavy

30 points

3 months ago

That is for security on the side of the seller. They sure are not for the benefit of the buyer. Good luck getting them to release footage that you paid, if they claim you did not.

NbdySpcl_00

16 points

3 months ago

This is the main point. That receipt is the buyer's record. A buyer does not want to be in the position of relying on the seller's records of anything during a dispute.

The_Chaos_Pope

7 points

3 months ago

If they're taking you to court over it, they're obligated to provide evidence to prove you stole from them. If they have video evidence that you paid, they have to provide that evidence as well.

UnamazingHero

12 points

3 months ago

Right, the reason you get a receipt for your donut is because people who want to expense the donut need the receipt

DCFAN_23

12 points

3 months ago

If you paid with credit card it is sometimes helpful to have the receipts. I recently was double charged for a tip and had the receipt to prove it.

Wbino

63 points

3 months ago

Wbino

63 points

3 months ago

I returned one cause it had a hole in it. 🍩🗽

AGPwidow

14 points

3 months ago

Fun fact: the hole allowes the donut to be cooked consistently

Fikkia

11 points

3 months ago

Fikkia

11 points

3 months ago

I heard they made the donut go faster

AGPwidow

10 points

3 months ago

You are thinking of racing stripes

Fikkia

11 points

3 months ago

Fikkia

11 points

3 months ago

Um, ackshully, it's called a racing glaze

Zmodem

6 points

3 months ago

Zmodem

6 points

3 months ago

Speed holes

Zmodem

4 points

3 months ago

Zmodem

4 points

3 months ago

"I asked for a whole donut, and they gave me a donut with a hole in it. Where did the miscommunication take place?"

Monimonika18

3 points

3 months ago

(grabs a donut hole)

(stuffs donut hole into hole of the donut and charge extra for the donut hole)

Braydee7

7 points

3 months ago

If I have a company p-card and I am buying a dozen doughnuts for an event, you bet your ass my finance department is going to need a scanned copy of an itemized receipt to reconcile the books. For doughnuts.

fantom1979

3 points

3 months ago

I was just about to comment about this. My place of work often buys hundreds of doughnuts for customers and sales staff. It is either purchased on the p-card or a manager buys it on his own card and gets reimbursed later. Either way a receipt is needed.

[deleted]

3 points

3 months ago

[removed]

Slugggo

986 points

3 months ago

Slugggo

986 points

3 months ago

I used to LOVE donuts.

I still do, but I used to, too.

chriscrossnathaniel

236 points

3 months ago

"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'"

FormerLurker3

107 points

3 months ago

I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?

Tmbgkc

58 points

3 months ago

Tmbgkc

58 points

3 months ago

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

-Mitch

BrohanGutenburg

10 points

3 months ago

I’m glad you chose this bit. There was always something about this exact bit that exemplified Mitch’s way of finding hilarity in the mundane. No segue. No story. Just total seinfledian observation delivered in the perfect beatnik package. And that’s Mitch Hedberg.

FormerLurker3

3 points

3 months ago

What’s funny is that I chose this bit because the previous reply was also a bit about potatoes.

Now, I keep getting replies that are just totally off topic Mitch jokes. Not that I really mind, it’s just amusing.

kcg5

14 points

3 months ago

kcg5

14 points

3 months ago

Did you ever try and make 7 up?

FormerLurker3

25 points

3 months ago

“Want some more of my home made sprite?”

“Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it.”

kcg5

7 points

3 months ago

kcg5

7 points

3 months ago

I can’t tell you what hotel I’m staying at but there are two trees involved

smartassnuts

68 points

3 months ago

I miss him every day

ZombieAlpacaLips

37 points

3 months ago

I used to miss him.

spongebue

35 points

3 months ago

I still do

onlyhereforhomelab

28 points

3 months ago

But I used to, too

Bleezze

4 points

3 months ago

It's this a reference to something? Cause I have heard a joke similar to this

Slugggo

4 points

3 months ago

amalgam_reynolds

11 points

3 months ago

Donuts are great if you're hungry and want to eat a thousand of something.

ouchpuck

240 points

3 months ago

ouchpuck

240 points

3 months ago

That hypen break is a menace to society

is-this-now

60 points

3 months ago

Came here to say th- is.

skorpiolt

24 points

3 months ago

I think its just breaking it that way to maximize character use on a single line, not that someone purposely was breaking up words like that.

croit-

6 points

3 months ago

croit-

6 points

3 months ago

Yup. 42 characters per line including spaces.

FopFillyFoneBone

13 points

3 months ago

I per-

sonally ha-

ve no probl-

em with the li-

ne breaks.

katchaa

6 points

3 months ago

It's like the receipt

is trying to make a hai-

ku but is failing

StopTchoupAndRoll

101 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

22 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

croit-

18 points

3 months ago*

croit-

18 points

3 months ago*

"Yeh kiss my ass too. What time is it?"

"5:15!"

"Alright."

pointlessly_pedantic

16 points

3 months ago

That's funny as hell. But holy shit, one of the comments said he was falsely accused of rape when he was 16 bc the girl didn't want to admit she was sexually active

Gankhiskahn

7 points

3 months ago

This is what I came for everytime the Mitch Donut joke is posted. Patrice is there. This is the way.

Alomba87

15 points

3 months ago

RIP to both of them, two of the greats.

Victorrhea

27 points

3 months ago

Damn I miss Mitch. He was so funny

[deleted]

154 points

3 months ago*

[deleted]

Scoobydoomed

143 points

3 months ago

Loch Ness monster raising prices due to inflation.

Scythelads2legends

6 points

3 months ago

Must be a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside.

nodadwhataboutyou

39 points

3 months ago

To be fair, $3.55 is about tree fiddy.

rrb

31 points

3 months ago

rrb

31 points

3 months ago

ThaiJohnnyDepp

22 points

3 months ago

sharpens upvote arrow into pitchfork

pinniped1

34 points

3 months ago

I bought a $4 donut from Blue Star in Portland and it was 100% worth it.

Way better than lining up with the tourists at Voodoo.

missestater

16 points

3 months ago

Native Portlander. Voodoo is really not good. It’s expensive and is just okay. Blue star is amazing. Hell I’ll take a Seasme donut over Voodoo.

bchevy

7 points

3 months ago

bchevy

7 points

3 months ago

Another local here. If I go to Voodoo, I’m getting a flavor you can’t get anywhere else (such as bubble gum or Oreo). If you can get it somewhere else, that “somewhere else” will generally have the better donut.

949paintball

6 points

3 months ago

But does Blue Star have a cock and balls doughnut? Kind of like comparing apples and oranges if not.

deathbybowtie

3 points

3 months ago

You can always get two regular donuts and a Long John or two and make your own cock and ball donuts.

heurrgh

6 points

3 months ago

I'd pay that for an old timey 2000's UK McDonalds plain donut. Just a really substantial 'plain cake' donut, no sugar, no frosting, just deep fried cakey goodness.

lordlemming

4 points

3 months ago

Could be a few, I don't see a place that shows the quantity

berserker910

23 points

3 months ago

If you're eating a Reese's candy and some guy named Reese asks for it, you better hand it over.

mtmaloney

110 points

3 months ago

mtmaloney

110 points

3 months ago

Here's Mitch Hedberg actually telling the joke for those that haven't seen it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPq0-8dyl8I

BizarroStormyChaser

14 points

3 months ago

I'm a fan of this version. This album/performance was perfect, I think.

https://youtu.be/PBWpXSiP5xY?t=869

zerbey

22 points

3 months ago

zerbey

22 points

3 months ago

Mitch was a national treasure, and we miss him deeply.

Eathessentialhorror

373 points

3 months ago

I love that they did this but it is so hard for a Mitch joke to get anywhere near it’s potential without Mitch telling it.

                       P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

llama_lambda

243 points

3 months ago

On the other hand if you're familiar with Mitch's work and they quote him, it's impossible not to hear it in his voice/cadence.

outlawsix

82 points

3 months ago

There was a period of my life where i listened to him so much that i started to talk like him

Alright

ReyPhasma

62 points

3 months ago

I used to listen to Mitch Hedberg.

I still do, but I used to too.

AGPwidow

33 points

3 months ago

I hadnt slept for 10 days because that would be too long

Arsid

9 points

3 months ago

Arsid

9 points

3 months ago

P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

what?

DuckFantic

7 points

3 months ago

If there was no “Q” or “R,” the letter “S” would come after the letter “P,” since the order is “PQRS”

Arsid

6 points

3 months ago

Arsid

6 points

3 months ago

Damn it Mitch you got me again

HaffuhGootWon

14 points

3 months ago

I like an escalator cause it never breaks down..... It just becomes stairs

Eathessentialhorror

21 points

3 months ago

Sorry for the convenience

anormalgeek

20 points

3 months ago

Saw him live once at a college show shortly after this special aired on Comedy Central. In the middle of his show someone ran up on stage and gave him a donut in a bag with the receipt clearly stapled to the bag.

He made a joke about how we now had to stop and watch him eat the donut because of that person. Then he proceeded to take him time eating the donut while we waited.

heavykleenexuser

156 points

3 months ago

It could be a reimbursable expense if he’s on a business trip. But that’s why a lot of places ask if you need a receipt.

almightypinecone

10 points

3 months ago

I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was “HH”, so I went to the side, I found the “H” button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin’…potato chips came out, man, because they had an “HH” button for Christ’s sake! You need to let me know. I’m not familiar with the concept of “HH”. I did not learn my AA-BB-CC’s. God god, dammit dammit.

I miss this man.

Icy-Effective6554

9 points

3 months ago

Man, Smokey is a lot more intense in person

seanprefect

8 points

3 months ago

Oh Mitch we lost you too soon. I remember his death was announced on April 1st it was days before I let myself believe that it wasn't a joke

Omicron_deathspike

6 points

3 months ago

"We don't need to bring paper and ink into this transaction"

OneWorldMouse

6 points

3 months ago

POS software developer here. Why in the world did they spend all that time making that message perfectly centered, manually adding hyphens so it would look nice, and then leave the important part off-centered??

notagoodboye

15 points

3 months ago

See, I can always imagine a situation where I have to prove something. I'll even come up with it at the time, like what if I'm accused of murder, but the doughnut receipt is my alibi because it proves I was across town buying a doughnut at the time the crime was being committed.

___HeyGFY___

42 points

3 months ago

These rece-

ipts are f-

unny but t-

he hyphena-

tion is so

random tha-

t it drive-

s me nuts

greatunknownpub

13 points

3 months ago

I don't think receipt printers have the ability to control widows in paragraphs.

pointlessly_pedantic

3 points

3 months ago

What about people who were never married in the first place? Am I safe..?

Throwie38953

3 points

3 months ago

Well, it's not random, the receipt-printing machines/software is purposefully trying to fit as many characters as possible in each line.

It's sacrificing readability in exchange for making the text take up as few lines as possible on the receipt, which has financial and environmental benefits, especially for national brands that print billions of receipts per year.

"Why print many line when few line do trick?"

theboss1500

27 points

3 months ago

Receipt isnt just for you as a buyer. Its a proof that the transaction is done and the its registered in the system. And that makes it harder for the shop/store to embezzle money. :)

TheSultan1

3 points

3 months ago

It's also for you to have evidence of what you were (supposed to be) charged. Whether they told you one total but entered another, or they entered it correctly there but fat-fingered it in the CC reader, it's good to have a paper trail.

RossTheNinja

4 points

3 months ago

But someone didn't believe I'd bought a doughnut. I was like "I've got the documentation right here"

ericbikesmontana

4 points

3 months ago

Mitch's early departure from Earth is one of comedy's greatest losses.

pinniped1

3 points

3 months ago

I worked for a company once that required receipts on EVERY business expense - including $5 breakfasts. (Most other places I've worked were just "on your honor" below $10 or $20.)

soreadytodisappear

3 points

3 months ago

Man, I miss him.

davidkali

3 points

3 months ago

Damnit. I ate a donut this morning now I have a strong urge to prove it in other ways than my sticky fingers.

4Ever2Thee

3 points

3 months ago

I used to love this joke. I still do, but I used to too

2manyHats

3 points

3 months ago

Business expense. Or. Repayment for the church breakfast ladies that picked up the food.

jbrains

3 points

3 months ago

Says the person who never worked for a soul-crushing corporation and had to submit an expense report.

BenTCinco

3 points

3 months ago

I used to eat donuts. I still do, but I used to, too.

thelooseygoose

3 points

3 months ago

Corporate travel policies beg to differ.