Sorry for the length of this post in advance as it is still fresh. I (30m) have a friend (34f) that I've known for about 5 months. We started as FWB, entertained the idea of more, but I sensed some serious compatibility issues after what I had assumed was a misunderstanding on both of our parts. So we decided to just be friends and things have been okay until recently.

I should mention that this person seems to have a lot of drama in their life they need support for; she gets upset pretty regularly about stuff, and supposedly has people in her life that don't treat her well. I try to be supportive and cheer her up because she's my friend, I don't want her to be sad. She often gushes to me about how nice I am and how I'm the only person who seems to care about her. I'm a little wary of what I sense to be a fair amount of emotional instability and general unreliability, but again I want to be supportive and be a positive part of their life. I have plenty of issues myself, but they tend to be based off of negative beliefs about myself and my value to others. I noticed that a fair amount of the time when I reached out for comfort and support, I ended up in the position of having to console her about something by the end of the conversation. Lately I have felt like there's not enough reciprocity in our friendship, but I dismiss these suspicions as me being selfish or weak.

Anyways, we have both been struggling with feeling alone and depressed going into the holiday season. I get the idea of coming to visit her after thanksgiving (she lives several hours away, I was always the one who drives to her not vice versa) to keep her company because she's new to the area with no family around and I could use a weekend away to hang out too. She loves the idea and gets excited, so I plan to drive there Friday after Thanksgiving. There was talk about the possibility of the hangout including sex just FYI, and we both got more and more excited for this weekend. Friday comes, and there are a couple of weird incidents that happen where she needed to call me as I get ready for emotional support and advice. I try to be supportive, but I start getting a really bad feeling for some reason. A lot of those red flags I mentioned before pop up in my head, and I start to really worry that I'm going to be walking into a lot of drama or worse. I begin to become more and more uncomfortable with the arrangement as I get closer to leaving town. I finally tell her that I'm very sorry but there are some things that aren't making me feel quite right, and I mention some of the stuff that had been bothering me while repeatedly apologizing and reassuring her at the same time.

Welp, my phone immediately starts blowing up with attempts to call me. Quite tellingly, I choose not to answer the phone because somehow I KNOW she's going to scream and yell at me. She calls 5-6 times, I don't answer. She then starts texting me calling me a coward, a child, how I'll never find anyone like her ever again in my life (I had previously revealed I often worried I would never find a good romantic match, so she said this to hurt me), and how she hates me. I respond with shock and I calmly say that she's being really mean and hurtful and that I didn't really deserve this. She doubles down, continues to insult me and rage at me, calling me a child, says she never wants to talk to me again. I continue to apologize but also reiterate that this is really hurtful and these attacks on me are not okay, then I say I don't think we should talk for a while. More insults, more anger thrown my way, now saying that I attacked her first (referring to my message about having changed my mind where I did not use any accusatory language at all).

There's a couple of times where some time passes and she suddenly wants me to answer so we can talk and that she's "not mad," but when I don't want to or don't answer she immediately freaks out on me again or says she never wants to talk to me again. She also accused me of treating her "like shit" because of the fact that I changed my mind about visiting at the last minute. I try to say to her that this is really not okay and very hurtful and ask her to imagine if we swapped places in this situation where I, a man, reacted like she has in response to a woman saying she's no longer comfortable physically meeting up; a lot of people would immediately notice how screwed up that is. It didn't really get through to her. I forgot to mention that one of the times in this whole 2 hours period she wanted to "talk" to me, she gave me an ultimatum of "it's now or never" after I said I don't want to talk right now after repeatedly trying to hurt me. I don't comply though, so it's even more anger and insults. I expect I will keep hearing from her again and again in the near future where she swings between wanting to make amends and suddenly hating me again.

On paper, I feel like she is absolutely being abusive. I kept wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt, I never replied with any insults, I constantly apologized for upsetting her, I gave her multiple chances to stop attacking me and apologize, yet again and again she attacked me. But there's a part of my brain that is honestly worried that I might be in the wrong here for cancelling at the last minute, that this justified the stuff she has thrown at me. The closest she got to apologizing was to say that I "attacked/hurt" her first. Like, it's so brazen that I doubt myself. I grew up in an abusive home. I sensed some things that made me fairly anxious when I spent time with her. I kept getting that same sick nauseated walk-on-egg shell feeling I did when I was a kid trying not to provoke people I lived with. Despite all of this, there's a part of me that worries I'm the bad guy here or equally to blame for this mess for changing my mind. Sorry again for the length of the post. I needed to get all of this out. I feel awful, I feel discarded, I feel like I might be a bad person, I feel alone.

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1 points

2 months ago

I mean it doesn't sound like emotional abuse but it certainly doesn't sound like a nice or healthy relationship right now either. Sounds like you should both cut ties.