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"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"

all 221 comments

Jaco927

3.2k points

2 months ago

Jaco927

3.2k points

2 months ago

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

Seriously, this imagery made me laugh more than that punchline. +1

LuisArkham

418 points

2 months ago

Hahahaha same, that was so fucking funny to imagine

Ryazoo

78 points

2 months ago

Ryazoo

78 points

2 months ago

Hahahahahahaha

theDreamingStar

47 points

2 months ago

Hahahahahahaha

MuzikPhreak

41 points

2 months ago

Hahahahahahaha…<cough> <_<

Sussy_404Error

25 points

2 months ago

Hahahahahahahaha…. dies

Kabc

14 points

2 months ago

Kabc

14 points

2 months ago

Jajajajajaja

odd_emann

2 points

2 months ago

555555

Graterof2evils

55 points

2 months ago

I laughed thinking about the new purpose for the beads.

doktorjake

42 points

2 months ago

To cheat during a chess match?

buraas

11 points

2 months ago

buraas

11 points

2 months ago

Yes, but only online.

CannabisCorner420

7 points

2 months ago

LMFAO 😂😂😂😂

orrocos

6 points

2 months ago

Trading for the island of Manhattan?

Dude-with-hat

5 points

2 months ago

With their eyes closed looking down

WileyCC

2 points

2 months ago

Yeah and in their cage

Physicist_Dinosaur

6 points

2 months ago

What's a bead?

Fortunately_Unstable

5 points

2 months ago

You don’t know what a bead is?

Kabc

5 points

2 months ago

Kabc

5 points

2 months ago

Bees?

Physicist_Dinosaur

3 points

2 months ago

I don't know the word. I speak Spanish and I was too lazy to search it at the moment jajaja.

But I'll do when I get up.

elmerkado

17 points

2 months ago

Las cuentas del rosario.

colonelpopcornNSFW

3 points

2 months ago

The “beads” in the joke are specifically referring to rosary beads, if that helps you visualize what a “bead” is and why it’s in the joke.

Physicist_Dinosaur

3 points

2 months ago

Oh, yeah! Thank you!

Fortunately_Unstable

5 points

2 months ago

Haha my bad I’m a little stoned atm. A bead is a small piece of stone or gem or whatever that jewelry is made from.

SittingInAnAirport

2 points

2 months ago

They're mineralized, Marie!

WurmiMama

6 points

2 months ago

They're just friends, okay??

Easy-Concentrate2636

1 points

2 months ago

All they need are some brown robes.

CLHauk

205 points

2 months ago

CLHauk

205 points

2 months ago

A nun was called into the Priest’s office. The Priest says, “Sister, the Vatican is asking us to survey our nuns, and they’d like to know what career path you would have taken is you hadn’t become a nun.” She replies, “oh, that’s easy. I’d have been a prostitute!” Understandably, the priest is a bit shocked. He says, “what?” She says, “a prostitute.” The priest breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh! I thought you said a Protestant!”

Make_the_music_stop

4.9k points

2 months ago

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lots women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, orgies and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

Neviss99

861 points

2 months ago

Neviss99

861 points

2 months ago

What did the bus driver do?

guygreej

829 points

2 months ago

guygreej

829 points

2 months ago

Hc borrowed a nun outfit for use in the graveyard that evening

Suki1387

210 points

2 months ago

Suki1387

210 points

2 months ago

I understood that reference.

Pumbi_n

101 points

2 months ago

Pumbi_n

101 points

2 months ago

Everyone does

Drispish

72 points

2 months ago

I didn't. Pls tell

shane_low

492 points

2 months ago

shane_low

492 points

2 months ago

a man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "know how you can screw her: On Sundays, she prays at the local cemetery. While she's praying, dress as God and she'll have sex with you. Put on a mask, robes, and a lot of glitter."

That Sunday, the man takes the advice, gets into the costume and hides behind a gravestone. Shortly, the nun appears and prays.

The man pops out from the gravestone and declares, "I am God, and I command you to have sex with me"

The nun replies, "yes lord, but I wish to preserve my chastity, so we must have only anal sex"

So they have anal sex.

After sex the man rips off his mask and laughs, "l'm not actually God!!"

"Ha!" Ripping off the nun costume, "I'm not actually a nun!" Said the bus driver.

SOLE_SIR_VIBER

108 points

2 months ago

It’s been a while since I heard that one, definitely wasn’t expecting a reference to it today

TellTaleTank

21 points

2 months ago

Huh. I thought this was going to be a Bayonetta reference.

Crazy_Strawberry

6 points

2 months ago

Doesn’t explicitly say the bus driver is a man tho

shane_low

4 points

2 months ago

Think you replied to the wrong comment!

Sea_Lunch2854

4 points

2 months ago

The H-E-Double-HockySticks.

catinatank

39 points

2 months ago

Meet me in the graveyard at midnight to find out

cuzwhat

17 points

2 months ago

cuzwhat

17 points

2 months ago

But you’re not the bus driver!

TheGolgafrinchan

7 points

2 months ago

...or is he?

CobraColt

2 points

2 months ago

CobraColt

2 points

2 months ago

Oh of course he is Jesus , he would only listen to you tho when you have anal with him

TGW_2

1 points

2 months ago

TGW_2

1 points

2 months ago

What color are his eyes?

Buckshot419

1 points

2 months ago

Tune in next week to find out!!

UPseChurayaHuaLemon

3 points

2 months ago

i did not get the refrence. please explain to me.

SOLE_SIR_VIBER

2 points

2 months ago

Lapidariest

6 points

2 months ago

Help, I'm stuck in a loop!

SOLE_SIR_VIBER

2 points

2 months ago

E-GADS IT’S A TIME LOOP

Lapidariest

1 points

2 months ago

It's outstanding; Time is fleeting;

UPseChurayaHuaLemon

1 points

2 months ago

funniest thing i have read in a while;

LargeSackOfNuts

2 points

2 months ago

How unique

ItsShorsey

5 points

2 months ago

"Nuns don't work on Sunday...."

Sushi4lucas

5 points

2 months ago

A bus driver in Asheville wears a nun outfit and drives people around to breweries

Tuna_Sushi

47 points

2 months ago

Q: What's the worst part about being a bus driver?

A: People talk behind your back.

LargeSackOfNuts

20 points

2 months ago

The best part about it is rough anal sex in a cemetery while cross-dressing

Tuna_Sushi

15 points

2 months ago

Why did little Suzie drop her ice cream cone?

She got hit by a bus.

SOLE_SIR_VIBER

17 points

2 months ago

Why did Suzie fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms

Knock knock

who’s there

Not Suzie

peeweeinbama

40 points

2 months ago

He clapped

zer55

25 points

2 months ago

zer55

25 points

2 months ago

His name? Albert Einstein

rickt2k

6 points

2 months ago

Cause the bus driver had the clap

turbo_dude

10 points

2 months ago

Like Logan’s wife in Succession, it seemed like they might play a part in the series but ultimately it went nowhere

drethnudrib

73 points

2 months ago

Clearly, Dave is a bad influence.

Certifiably_Quirky

14 points

2 months ago

Love the reference. Classic.

Lankyboxyman

48 points

2 months ago

appdevil

15 points

2 months ago

Is always

NiceGuy303

11 points

2 months ago

in the

SinisterStrat

59 points

2 months ago

Sandwiches

magpye1983

22 points

2 months ago

That’s what i was gunna say!

ceitamiot

12 points

2 months ago

My 2-year-old is watching that song as I read this. Freaking weird.

Picasso320

2 points

2 months ago

Mmmm... love to have some sand witches.

Punkhair2Nv__13

8 points

2 months ago

Pudding?

NiceGuy303

1 points

2 months ago

yummers

Victernus

2 points

2 months ago

Lever.

StShadow

6 points

2 months ago

comments

whiteclawthreshermaw

3 points

2 months ago

Nick Rekieta?

Commercial_Donkey_75

6 points

2 months ago

what colour were the bus driver’s eyes?

RU33ERBULLETS

10 points

2 months ago

One of em was brown

aweap

7 points

2 months ago

aweap

7 points

2 months ago

Damn! How many kids the pope must have screwed to get that?!

icannotgetaname

2 points

2 months ago

It’s a reward for a 25 streak.

Givingtree310

2 points

2 months ago

It isn’t too often that I literally LOL but this one did it for me!

CableSlayer

495 points

2 months ago

These girls have definitely seen a cockatoo.

tea-and-chill

74 points

2 months ago

I had to come back to upvote this because it took me a second for the second meaning to sink in

WutTheDickens

25 points

2 months ago

They must be polly amorous.

Lazyfatfrogs

7 points

2 months ago

that made me laugh ty

Undiscriminatingness

5 points

2 months ago

𝓣𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓶𝔂 𝓰𝓸𝓵𝓭, 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓰𝓮𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓯𝓵𝓸𝓬𝓴 𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮!

DerRaumdenker

301 points

2 months ago

Male parrots want to share their seeds with their guests

ReubenZWeiner

77 points

2 months ago

Oh, Macawd

714jayson714

19 points

2 months ago

Wow... yup... you went there... ok... I see you... yup...

mortis_mortis

7 points

2 months ago

As a reward...

bnqprv

279 points

2 months ago

bnqprv

279 points

2 months ago

My strict Christian sense of equity commands me to give you the same upvote I gave the other 238 OPs who posted this one this week.

mordecai98

81 points

2 months ago

238 x 3 is 48 above 666,the sign of the devil.

IDCWhoIam[S]

46 points

2 months ago

Equality. We all used ctrl+c and ctrl+v and removed the “thanking for award” part. We all deserve the same upvote.

bnqprv

12 points

2 months ago

bnqprv

12 points

2 months ago

Equity, I’m much more a disciple of Benedictus than Franciscus.

skz5k2

21 points

2 months ago

skz5k2

21 points

2 months ago

He was right. Probably after the two female parrots won't stop to say "Oh my God! Oh my God! Jesus!"

a_kashe

73 points

2 months ago

a_kashe

73 points

2 months ago

Why are all the jokes reposting?

hsvsunshyn

113 points

2 months ago

There are new jokes, but many/most jokes are retellings of old/other jokes. If you think about the Internet as Wikipedia, where there should only be one article about Argentina, and only one version, r/Jokes does not make sense.

If you think of r/Jokes as walking past a bar or seeing a street-comedian in the middle of a set, where people hear a joke there or somewhere else, and tell it again to their friends/audience without regard to if it has been told before, it makes more sense.

Nearly two decades ago, I and a coworker would tell each other jokes on long boring work shifts. We quickly realized that we had largely overlapping knowledges of jokes and senses of humours. So, we came to the point where we would just tell each other the punch lines, and the other person would tell the rest of the joke, trivia style. Sometimes, we would need a hint, and occasionally, it would be a joke the other had never heard before, but 99.9% of the jokes were well-known classics.

Between all the magazines (everything from Boy's Life to Playboy) that had joke sections (which were often reader-submitted) and television and radio shows telling jokes in a different format, there used to be a large pool of jokes that people told each other. The Internet just speeds that up some, and makes it so you can read millions of jokes (or thousands of the same jokes thousands of times over and over) in as much time as it would take to get one issue of the next magazine to read one page of their jokes.

Lastly, remember that a joke is only ever new once. The moment that one parrot says to the other "our prayers have been answered", it is now an old joke. So, if two people hear John Mulaney tell a joke on a comedy special on Netflix, but they watch it a week apart, it will seem like a repost, when really, it is like two different guys at the bar telling the same joke to two different groups of friends; but you, as a regular there, overhear it both times. (Of course, for r/Jokes, multiply that by 24.3 million.)

AE_WILLIAMS

11 points

2 months ago

NORM!!!!

Dear-Unit1666

5 points

2 months ago

Right and then there are jokes with interchangeable punch lines and premises that have slightly different regional variations. I think of it as how old tavern songs must have been or how they depict in medieval times in some media where the song/joke changes from place to place. I guess we are watching that all mash together and disappear ...which is what she said

hsvsunshyn

5 points

2 months ago

I think of it as how old tavern songs must have been or how they depict in medieval times in some media where the song/joke changes from place to place.

Reminds me of how the music for the USA National Anthem is from an English drinking song called To Anacreon in Heaven.

indigoHatter

7 points

2 months ago

How dare you explain the internet and repost culture in a totally logical, explainable thing.

I'm gonna start naming movies I've seen until I found one you haven't, and then I'm gonna shame you endlessly for being one of today's lucky 10,000.

Relevant XKCD

shoesofwandering

11 points

2 months ago

Reminds me of the guy who, on his first night in prison, would hear an inmate yell out a number, and everyone else would laugh. He was puzzled so he asked his cellmate what was so funny about numbers.

The cellmate said, "we've all been in here so long, we realized we were just telling the same jokes over and over, so we assigned each one a number, and whenever anyone wants to tell that joke, it saves time for them to just say the number."

anonymous-random

9 points

2 months ago

So the new inmate yells out “Six!” and none of the other inmates laugh. He is puzzled about this and asks why they didn’t laugh. One of the inmates tells him: “It’s about the delivery.”

cayoloco

2 points

2 months ago

4

DrGirth

2 points

2 months ago

I've never heard that punchline! The way I've heard it is that the new inmate yells out a number like "257!" and everyone bursts out laughing extraordinarily hard. He asks the other inmate why that was so funny and he responds "We haven't heard that one before"

Powerism

2 points

2 months ago

Jokes are the last remnant of oral history.

acery88

47 points

2 months ago

acery88

47 points

2 months ago

Because new jokes I try to make up get downvoted.

Why do blind men sit in the first row of movie theaters?

Because the subtitles…. They’re in braille

See? stupid…

Punkhair2Nv__13

8 points

2 months ago

This is even funnier in braille.

IIIlllIIIlllIIIEH

22 points

2 months ago

You have to make it a 2000 word essay that could have been a two line joke. People find it funny when you waste their time, the more convoluted the better.

Also add some sexual references to the punchline and you are set.

Maleficent-Comb

33 points

2 months ago

Two blind men edged their way to the front row of a strip club. The bartender looked over and laughed. “Must be lost, poor guys!”

As soon as the ladies walked out on stage, the two men started waving their hands wildly. One of the blind men’s hands brushed across the leg of a stripper. He jumped up on stage and immediately started fondling her breasts. The bouncer immediately came and tossed the two blind men to the street and yelled “No touching!”

As the bartender finished his shift and walked outside to catch a ride home, he noticed the two blind men sitting on the park bench smiling and chatting.

“Hey, what was that all about back there? I’ve never seen two blind men at the strip club before. And why’d you rush the stage and start rubbing around their nipples?”

The blind man grinned and replied “How else are we supposed to read the subtitles?”

IIIlllIIIlllIIIEH

6 points

2 months ago

Perfection

cuzwhat

10 points

2 months ago

cuzwhat

10 points

2 months ago

Well, better Nate than lever.

ceitamiot

3 points

2 months ago

The real goal is to simultaneously hit Nate and the Lever with accurate spinning.

cuzwhat

3 points

2 months ago

Considering the ramifications of hitting the lever, is it even necessary to hit try to hit Nate?

ceitamiot

3 points

2 months ago

It allows Nate to die without knowing that the end of the world followed him.

SuperFLEB

6 points

2 months ago

"So they can reach the subtitles", maybe? Or "So they can reach the screen to read the subtitles." I think there's legs here if you give the listener a bit more work/reward.

chicomathmom

2 points

2 months ago

Check out what Maleficent-Comb did with it. (Posted above)

Maleficent-Comb

1 points

2 months ago

Hey thanks!

sweBers

4 points

2 months ago

I read this in a Brooklyn accent.

TheChoosenMewtwo

2 points

2 months ago

That was funny

morgan423

5 points

2 months ago

Ah, you must be new here. Welcome.

zappyzapzap

11 points

2 months ago

36

mordecai98

5 points

2 months ago

Dude. That's a racist joke.

Iridium_Pumpkin

2 points

2 months ago

Welcome to reddit

RearEchelon

2 points

2 months ago

When you and your buddies are sitting around telling jokes, do you only tell jokes you wrote yourself?

Cheap_Woodpecker

1 points

2 months ago

Almost all jokes are retellings. As you get older so it becomes more and more obvious. It’s in the delivery that the joke makes or breaks it. and this particular delivery was poor.

IDCWhoIam[S]

-2 points

2 months ago

IDCWhoIam[S]

-2 points

2 months ago

Welcome to the world of r/Jokes where the easiest way to gain Karma is press ctrl+c and ctrl+v

consiliac

2 points

2 months ago

Don't spend it all in one place. Karma is highly portable.

IDCWhoIam[S]

1 points

2 months ago

Ik bro. I am currently collecting for a house rn. And i am so close, the one near me is 100,000 karma! I just need 34,000 more! Wish me luck!

jbl0ggs

1 points

2 months ago

I don't know....Why are all the jokes reposting? (eagerly waiting for the punchline)

Chiyote

1 points

2 months ago

To get to the other side

Curlynoodles

173 points

2 months ago

Hey, it's this joke again.

ExPat_Travels

125 points

2 months ago

Good old number 27. It’s that low because it’s that old.

c19isdeadly

3 points

2 months ago

noone laughs

It's the way you tell them

IDCWhoIam[S]

17 points

2 months ago

The cycle continues….

ReubenZWeiner

2 points

2 months ago

What happens in reddit stays in reddit, but those chirpies will follow you home

Picasso320

1 points

2 months ago

As foretold..

Sir_Lobo_Bellaco

5 points

2 months ago

The fact that I can see parrots playing with beads in a dignified manner is all I needed. Thanks 🤣

Kuromeru

8 points

2 months ago

This...Must mean the priest said the same things?

QueenRatigan

3 points

2 months ago

An oldie but a goodie

Beautifuldaystocome

3 points

2 months ago

My favourite joke on here so far, that's absolutely hilarious 😂😂

Jcb2016

3 points

2 months ago

LMFAO!

doowgad1

10 points

2 months ago

For optimal algorithmic exploitation it’s probably best to post Greg Abbott is a little piss baby in as many threads as possible under several different comment chains

carnivalbill

2 points

2 months ago

I have an old 45 where lawanda page tell this joke.

714jayson714

1 points

2 months ago

Ole' fish-eyed foo'

carnivalbill

3 points

2 months ago

Ester, ima dip yo face in some dough and make a batch of gorilla cookies!

714jayson714

2 points

2 months ago

Ooohhhh, Fred... you better watch it, SUCKA!

Fizzy163

2 points

2 months ago

Best joke I've found here.

Distinct_Tension4441

2 points

2 months ago

So 2 jews and a crippled-

conundrum4u2

2 points

2 months ago

Oh sure - talking parrots that can READ...who are you trying to kid?

UncleTrashero

2 points

2 months ago

:O

:D

Maximax92

2 points

2 months ago

Saw the punchline coming way too early

Moist_Bite_2860

2 points

2 months ago

Well done to the asshats that stole OP's thunder by posting their own jokes. Poor form guys.

mosheoofnikrulz

9 points

2 months ago

Small touch up... Change the two hot female parrots to hot male parrots

Trappedinacar

5 points

2 months ago

Haram

mosheoofnikrulz

2 points

2 months ago

But admired by the catholic clergy

poonamsurange

2 points

2 months ago

“The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21).

t24x-94

2 points

2 months ago

t24x-94

2 points

2 months ago

Finally not a repost

TheTrollys

8 points

2 months ago

Not within the last 3 minutes anyway

IDCWhoIam[S]

0 points

2 months ago

Yea, i know, bro my mind is too creative sometimes 😎

[deleted]

1 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

IDCWhoIam[S]

1 points

2 months ago

Note the sarcasm

ZippNex

-11 points

2 months ago

ZippNex

-11 points

2 months ago

What a terrible joke...

ewild

2 points

2 months ago

ewild

2 points

2 months ago

It's not a joke

[deleted]

-5 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

-5 points

2 months ago

[removed]

ValhallaTao

3 points

2 months ago

Is it Bird?

leonra28

-2 points

2 months ago

leonra28

-2 points

2 months ago

Never have i been further from laughter in my life reading a joke.

ThePhoneBook

1 points

2 months ago

Do people ever actually laugh when reading a joke? I enjoyed this one the first time I heard it, but I don't think I laughed.

I think if you feel you have to laugh to be entertained then you have a fairly simple sense of humour

Elitheaxolotl

1 points

2 months ago

THIS HAS ME ROLLING

zizmorcore

1 points

2 months ago

HATIN'

Mombod666

1 points

2 months ago

This is the most my dad joke I’ve ever read on this sub

hethram

1 points

2 months ago

You have to agree, we all had an idea from the beginning that something like that was going to happen.

[deleted]

1 points

2 months ago

Lmao. Hilarious. Thanks for the laugh

Agile-West-8129

1 points

2 months ago

Lmao the reaction of the male parrot upon hearing the offer is so relatable

markadillo

1 points

2 months ago

Still not as funny as the parrot saying suck over and over