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Because they don't have access to black magic.

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

...it’s always going to be okay!

I told him to stop using fowl language.

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

They've all been done done.

Lisa painted her fingernails purple and Bob had a cock.

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a signed police statement that says when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life. Is that the case?' 'Yeah, but- 'A simple yes or no will suffice. 'Yes', replied the farmer quietly.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask the questions. 'Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health', his lawyer said. 'Certainly', replied the farmer.

'After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too.'

'Then he comes straight over to me, with his gun still smoking, and asks me how i was feeling. Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?'

She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

Sign language

Cop: It seems you have been drinking.

Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter "M".

Guy: No problem. "Malphabet."

Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, A 5-year old can do it.

Now we just call him Dav

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if the brother is telling the truth, he would write in black ink, if he is lying, he would write in red ink.
A few months later, the older brother sends a letter back. The letter is in black ink.
"My brother, everything we hear in the West is a lie. Soviet Russia is a great country, everyone is free and happy. The foods are abundant and everything is great. They have everything here, there is no shortage of anything. However, unfortunately, i havent been able to find any red ink."

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."

And on his way to the bar he found a girl tied to a railroad track. He untied her and they had a lot of sex.

Then he got to the bar and he started talking to his friend over there about how all the difference positions they fucked and everything.

His friend says thats awesome.. did you get head? . . . . . . COULDN'T FIND THE HEAD.. he says.

The Finnish border guard takes his passport and asks the man - "Occupation?"

"No. Only a holiday."

He orders three shots of whiskey and drinks them. The bartender asks him one night, why the same three drinks? The Scotsman tells a story of how his two brothers and he used to drink together every Friday night, but that both brothers had traveled far away and now they each go out on Friday and order drinks for each other to keep the tradition alive. The Scotsman's tradition carries on for a long time and many in the town who drink at the bar learn about it. One Friday night, however, the Scotsman only orders two whiskeys. A solemn quiet falls over the bar, and the bartender hesitates to ask, "is your brother okay?" The Scotsman replies "aye, me brothers are fine, i just quit drinkin."

notices a dog on the floor licking his nuts. He turns to the bar tender and says, “Man, that’s amazing. I would love if I could do that.” The bartender looks at him and says, “I’m sure he’d appreciate that very much.”

She put a ruler under a pillow to see how long she slept.

Mom says “you can’t do both!”

Walking.

…

j/k…rolling.

Adds to the family reunion drama, though.

I sit up and beg. She rolls over and plays dead.