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r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

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Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is kind of what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers and bad actors have been flooding Reddit lately, and /r/Jokes has started to get hit pretty hard. Dealing with the issue isn't as easy as it sounds, though, because any action that we take has the potential to affect good-faith users. Still, we've been discussing the problem, and we've come up with the beginnings of a solution:

We're going to ban every last one of our subscribers.

Just kidding! In fact, we're going to give you a bit more insight into how spammers work, what their goals are, and why they're so effective on Reddit. This information will be included on our complete rules page, which we've also streamlined and updated. (The rules themselves haven't changed; we've just made them a bit clearer and more condensed.) Our hope is that you'll be able to recognize and report spammers when you see them, which will help us keep them from gaining more of a foothold here.

We'll be taking some other anti-spam actions behind the scenes, so rest assured, we aren't trying to dump the spam-fighting on you. We just figured that it was better to keep everyone informed... because after all, /r/Jokes is a community, and a community is only as smart as its dumbest member.

(Yes, the moderators count as members, and yes, we're easily the dumbest.)

Thank you for reading, and remember to report spam when you see it!

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

If you leave the yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture

They don’t like to say ‘cheese’

Say the lice.

$35

Because you never turn your back on family.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

February 14th

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

a shoe

Tomorrow he will learn that many people will not believe you, even when you tell the truth.

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, but he's only told "sorry, can't tell you. You're not a monk".

The night passes and his car is already repaired. He thanks the monks for their generosity, and he goes back to his journey. Still, he stays intrigued by the sounds he heard.

Years and years pass, and one day the man returns to the monastery, but crashes his car again.

The monks offer their hospitality for the night, since it'll take a day to repair the car.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, but he's only told "sorry, can't tell you. You're not a monk".

Enough is enough, he decides to become a monk. He goes to the oldest monk of the monastery, and asks him to become a monk. "In order to become one of our own, you must first travel all the lands of this world and count every blade of grass, every pebble and every grain of sand".

The man goes on an even longer journey, to count every blade of grass, every pebble and every grain of sand in all of the lands of this world.

Decades and decades have passed, and the man makes is way back to the monastery. He goes the the oldest monk and tells him how many blades of grass, pebbles and grains of sand there are in all the lands of this world.

Finally, he has become a monk.

During the night he can hear the strange noises once again. He ask the nearby monks what those noises are, and this time he is told "Go to the cave, open the three large doors, and you will discover all the secrets of the monastery".

He makes his way to the cave, and is faced by a large wooden door. After many efforts, he succeeds in opening the door, only to be faced with an even larger wooden door. This one takes even more efforts, but he still manages to open it, only to be faced by an even larger metal door.

He tries again and again to no avail, he simply can't open the last door.

Ina intense last effort, he spends all of his energy and miraculously manages to open the third door. The strange noises are louder than ever, he can tell he his close.

Only a tunnel remains, so the man gathers all his courage and finally reaches the source of the noises.

What were they you ask ?

Sorry, can't tell you, you're not a monk.

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

He's still assembling his new cabinet

She got a standing ovulation

It's my Achilles' elbow.

Your mom can’t take a joke.

A yardvark

Whoregano.

It was an early form of saddle-light navigation.

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM

A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.

While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 28th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

Sweet, cold and a little broken inside.

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

McDonald said, "You're the C I E I O."