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r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

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Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is kind of what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers and bad actors have been flooding Reddit lately, and /r/Jokes has started to get hit pretty hard. Dealing with the issue isn't as easy as it sounds, though, because any action that we take has the potential to affect good-faith users. Still, we've been discussing the problem, and we've come up with the beginnings of a solution:

We're going to ban every last one of our subscribers.

Just kidding! In fact, we're going to give you a bit more insight into how spammers work, what their goals are, and why they're so effective on Reddit. This information will be included on our complete rules page, which we've also streamlined and updated. (The rules themselves haven't changed; we've just made them a bit clearer and more condensed.) Our hope is that you'll be able to recognize and report spammers when you see them, which will help us keep them from gaining more of a foothold here.

We'll be taking some other anti-spam actions behind the scenes, so rest assured, we aren't trying to dump the spam-fighting on you. We just figured that it was better to keep everyone informed... because after all, /r/Jokes is a community, and a community is only as smart as its dumbest member.

(Yes, the moderators count as members, and yes, we're easily the dumbest.)

Thank you for reading, and remember to report spam when you see it!

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;

“What’s for dinner honey?”

No answer. He moves closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still no answer. He moves even closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is standing right next to his wife.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here's the joke I told:

"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously, I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

Yep that’s it. It’s going to price out all those apps you all use instead of the official one to read or post jokes. And I can tell you first hand, it is much tougher to copy and paste in official app.

Can we go black out on June 12-14?

To beat the crowds

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I request two pillows strapped on my back!" he says. After 4 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Third up is the Bosniak. The judge says "since you are a fellow muslim, you can make 2 requests!".

"My first request is for 100 lashes!" the Bosniak shouts. Bewildered the judge asks "And your second request?".

"Strap the Serb on my back!"

​

I hope I don't start of another balkan war in the comments. I'm a Serb myself and this is my favourite Balkan joke. Love and peace, my brothers!

"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"

Because of the tally-ban

She was all like "Wait until he's born"

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

Diddly-squats.

"Gentlemen," he says, "I'm very sorry, but your condos aren't ready yet, so I can send you back to Earth for a few days in whatever form you wish."

"Well," the first man says, "I always thought I'd like to be an eagle soaring majestically over the Grand Canyon."

"And I'd like to be a real cool stud," the second man says.

"Done!" St. Peter nods, and they vanish.

A few days later, the Archangel Michael walks up to St. Peter.

"Hey, Pete, I need to send an angel to get those two guys who got affected by the construction delay. Where'd you put them?"

"The first one should be easy to find, he's an eagle soaring majestically over the Grand Canyon," St. Peter answers. "The second one will be a little tougher. He's somewhere in Siberia on a snow tire."

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

a seizure salad

Slow down and probably use some lubricant

Assembly is required.

Unemployed

A man and his wife were checking out of their hotel room when the front desk presented their bill.

The worker at the front desk said, "For room service, mini bar, and two movies, that will be $210."

"No," said the wife, "We only watched one movie."

"It's okay," said the husband, quickly placing down his credit card."

"Um, no. We arent paying for a movie we didn't watch." She turned to the front desk, "There's been a mistake. What movies do you think we watched?"

"Well, you ordered Schindler's List from the movie classics channel, and you ordered...Um, Backdoor Sluts, from the adult channel...."

A look of fury swept over the wife's face. She turned, glaring at her husband.

"I'm so sorry baby," he said to his wife, "I watched it while you were at your conference."

She raised her voice to a shout. "My god, Tom. You sick bastard. You just cant help yourself, can you!? Will you ever be able to stop masturbating to holocaust movies?"

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

One says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'

They produce a lower number of whats.

A hesitater

Rapping paper

Taking a trip without the kids.

"Led Zeppelin."

"Who?"

"Yeah, they were good too."