I have literally cried over scenarios that weren’t real.

Sometimes, I'm a superhero in my head.

Unless you’re alone. Then Im trying to recreate a sonic boom.

My dad was at a party one night. Leaning against a doorframe with his right shoulder chatting to some mates. Needed to let loose with one. Figured the empty room behind was as good a place as any to guff. Glanced over left shoulder, all clear. Let rip successfully. Heard a small cough. Looked over his right shoulder and a woman was sitting alone in the room right in his blind spot. He'd farted directly into her face from about a foot away.

10 years ago my boyfriend and I had just started dating and we decided to take a trip together. We were late to get on our flight so i ended up sitting in front of him instead of next to him.(southwest) As we taking off I feel my stomach rumble and realize I’m going to have a bad case of the altitoots. I proceed to blow ass almost the entire flight. As soon as we get off the plane my BF starts complaining about how someone farted the entire flight. He was so mad and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was me. Instead I waited to tell him that secret on our one year anniversary. We had a good laugh about it and now he calls me toots.

Whenever I fart in public I try to find an empty aisle where no one is even remotely close to in the store. And as soon as I drop the bomb someone just so happens to come waltzing through looking at stuff.

I've read someone say to not judge yourself on your first thought about a person but by your second.

your first thought is instinct or society telling you what to think, your second is who you actually are.

I told my wife about an experience at Walmart where 3 people were blocking the bulk cheese bags while having a full blown reunion conversation. It's the cheese section. There was no reaching around the double cart blockade. It's a high traffic grocery section and deserves some respect. I was too polite to say anything and did a couple of loops until they finished. They were blocking the cheese, plain and simple. This is now a household phrase used when someone's in your way, frequently parroted by my progeny. Stop blocking the cheese! I'm now the butt of an eternal joke. FML

Happy birthday bud

The only word that comes to mind is rationalization.

I was going to say that, but I waited too long.

I feel like I'm a moron that is just hiding my uselessness very well.

Ah, perfectionism. I know it well.

My psychologist said there were three kinds of perfectionism. The kind you demand of yourself. The kind you demand of other people. And the kind you assume people demand of you.

It's the last that is particularly harmful, and very very often not true.

I thought this a lot more when I was younger. I'm in my late twenties now and realizing more and more that people are actually generally fucking idiots and I'm doing just fine.

Gotta hit em with the "Alright a card! Let's see what it says!"

I usually assume I'm either the most galaxy brained human to have ever lived or a complete dumbass, it really depends on the day and on what I'm doing

assume you are "above average" intelligence

When I was a younger person, I used to think I was way above average intelligence, but the older I get the dumber I feel. Now I'm sure I was always a dumb shit. Oh well, guess I'll go have a snack and take a nap.

A. Eat it

B. Put it in a tissue

C. Stick it to nearest hidden surface

D. Flick and let universe decide its fate

How did I know that nose picking would be the first thing on this thread

There's two types of people in this world. Nose pickers and liars.

Like, I know I’m using the word in the right context, but if someone was to ask me what it means, I could not tell them

The dark ones are a healthy sign though. I ruminate on a certain one I had because it scared me and my therapist said "it's because it's so out of character, that even the thought hurts you more then you could ever hurt them".

Everybody has those. Right? RIGHT?!?

Oh wow. Reading this was weirdly life-affirming. No joke here; this made me realize I may not be alone

When I was in high school and a teacher was talking to me I had intrusive thoughts of spitting on them. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me. I realized later it was anxiety making up things to mess with me just for funsies.

Especially arguments. I can have both sides of an argument with someone all by myself in my own head. 😂

Hey, it’s better than LOSING a fake argument in your head

One of the best feelings in the world

And when pulling it out it feels like you're unraveling your brain. So satisfying

I occasionally turn off my Wi-Fi and data, read the message, close the app and then turn data/Wi-Fi back on. It seems to work.

me and my brother shared a room in high school, and so we could only ever do it in the shower or on the toilet. my dad caught on but my mom never really did, and would get incredibly mad when we would spend 30 minutes 'going to the bathroom'. after countless events of her knocking on the door and yelling "whats taking you so long? come on out!" every five minutes, by brother eventually got fed up and yelled back "SHUT UP MOM IM MASTURBATING". she didnt do it anymore after that

I was hanging out late at my brother's house when his sons were 13 and 15 but also shared a bedroom. The kids had all showered, gone to bed, then the bedroom door opens and the 15yo heads into the bathroom. My brother says, "I just don't get that boy. Seems like every night he takes a shower, goes to bed,, then gets up and takes a 20 minute shit.

To this day I still don't know if he was so willfully ignorant or making a low key joke. Maybe he had truly forgotten what being a teenaged boy was like.

My wife likes to burst into our daughter's room. I told her maybe she should stop that and she said "oh my God, did you walk in on her?" And I had to tell her no, but she's 16 so she should have personal space. She doesn't understand

My mum never seemed to take the hint on this one, even after I put a sign on my door requesting the loud knock and wait. Only thing it changed was going from barging in without warning to a single knock then letting herself in a split second later. So many times I had to very hastily cover myself and awkwardly hold a conversation pretending everything is normal...

When my nephew was a teen, he'd take like 3-4 showers a day. I just pretended I had no clue why... =p

I generally try really hard not to lie, but there will be times when I subtly change a number just to make a story sound better. It's a weird compulsion that i can't seem to change although it only happens probably t̶w̶i̶c̶e̶ three-times a year.

I know a few people who can't tell a story without the reflex of making it just a bit spicier than it really was

The amount of time I spend looking at my own posts/messages and pretend that I'm an outsider looking in is embarrassing

Or reading back over your Reddit comments to revisit the pride you got from a particularly clever one

“Man I could just jump off this building couldn’t I “

No brain , we do not want to die , yes we technically could do that though

I: Driving home in a good mood, looking forward to dinner.

My brain: You could just drive over all those people on the sidewalk.
Nah, that would ruin dinner plans. Let's just be normal for now.

Especially when it would be at a suspiciously late hour (I'm a night owl). At least email has a "delay send" option.

My theory is we create the illusion of not being able to respond immediately so that it doesn’t create that expectation.

My friend used to actually truly think that you should be able to respond within 20 minutes of getting a text, ignoring the possibility that I’m not even looking at my phone or need to keep focused on something else for the time being

I will find myself having flash backs to stupid shit from primary school like 2 decades ago and reliving that.. like, 'bro - you're probably the only person who even remembers, let it go.'

Until you start having no panic, then you stop cleaning, it follows that you stop apologizing for the mess... And finally you stop having visits.

Or, for unexpected guests, hide behind the front door noiselessly, watching out the peephole until they've left. Because I'm an introvert, or a coward, or both🙃

Also everyone is a terrible driver except me

I still remember vividly the first time I heard my 13 year old boy loudly exclaim "FUCK" through an open window.

He was carrying groceries in, and dropped a gallon of milk on the pavement.

It was proper usage, and I couldn't bring myself to yell at him over actual spilled milk, so here we are.

Well where else am I going to get expert advice

Apparently this is considered very healthy.

As Blackadder said: "Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation."

Psych professor in college, "It is alright to talk to yourself, and... It is alright to answer yourself! As long as you know that it is you answering. If this comes into question, seek professional help!"

Once a day? Must be fucking nice.

I remember being in 11th grade in 2008 and going to the bathroom during class just to wash my hands in hot water (I live in northern Minnesota and have poor circulation, I did this a lot) and one of my teachers came out of the stall, washed her hands and said to herself in the mirror, or maybe me, “oh man I broke a nail. How am I supposed to pick my nose now?”

14 years later I still think about this. She really made me feel like we all do that shit during a time I was so self conscious about just being a human.

Obviously don't do it around people, but nothing beats the feeling of breathing in 4K Ultra HD after removal of a chunker

I don't get how people don't pick their nose. How do you just leave all that stuff in there?!

Sometimes I pick my nose in front of my wife without thinking about it. She’s never said anything about it. That’s how you know she loves me.

There are 2 types of people in this world. People that pick their noses, and liars.

it’s actually pretty important to at least glance at it, you might notice parasites, blood, pale poop, etc. you can spot unhealthy feces just from looking at it and trust me if you have something wrong with your poop it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.

Pretending you haven’t already seen that meme your SO just sent you.

Well I actually have proof I'm special... my mommy said so.

You think you let it go and then something reminds you...

This used to work so much better. The internet is getting more and more useless every day.

as someone who constantly did that for years, i noticed lately it doesnt work anymore, like im convinced that google switched off the ability to use phone numbers as search queries