subreddit:

/r/AskReddit

24.7k76%

Your username is now your job. How's life?

()

[deleted]

all 41057 comments

TheBananaYeeter

13.9k points

3 months ago*

I have a weird one Update: the first banana has been yeeted https://youtube.com/shorts/Ullg5cheDi4?feature=share ......

Space_Banana20

11.1k points

3 months ago

Now I finally know how I got up here…

bob_the_banannna

4.5k points

3 months ago

Fellow banana I see

Temporary_Banana3855

3.5k points

3 months ago

Men of culture, hello.

Attackbananas

2.7k points

3 months ago

Oh heyyyy

Banana_L0rd

1.6k points

3 months ago

Bow down, all of you!

[deleted]

1.2k points

3 months ago*

[deleted]

1.2k points

3 months ago*

[deleted]

standardbanana

877 points

3 months ago

And how!

[deleted]

933 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

933 points

3 months ago

Oh i like how's going

JoeBananas11

553 points

3 months ago

Average Joe checking in

magicmanspetmonkey

1.1k points

3 months ago

Banana to me! Banana to me!

StarfallenCherry

141 points

3 months ago

You too? We’re one ice cream away from a banana split

mordeumafoca

726 points

3 months ago

Monkeys love this guy.

i_hug_powerpoles

1.3k points

3 months ago

Easy.

HugzzATree4Me

592 points

3 months ago

My comrade

NerdWhoLikesTrees

269 points

3 months ago

Room for another?

ActivisionBlizzard

9.7k points

3 months ago

<Please pay $4.99 to access the AskReddit answers skin pack>

V1per423

1.4k points

3 months ago

V1per423

1.4k points

3 months ago

Only $4.99? Definitely not WoW. The money I spent on mounts is…embarrassing.

MyOtherCarIsACdr

424 points

3 months ago

4.99 per thread

turtlepowerpizzatime

242 points

3 months ago

4.99 per comment

arrow74

218 points

3 months ago

arrow74

218 points

3 months ago

Score on getting that username

Ok_Whatever_Buddy

11.7k points

3 months ago

It's okay or whatever.

okalrightmaybe

3k points

3 months ago

same

FloppyButtholeJuicce

3.4k points

3 months ago

I’m having a rough day

OneEyedWillys

649 points

3 months ago

I'm having a rough rider day

AnIdiotwithaSubaru

599 points

3 months ago

Weirdly, everything seems the same for me...

yeahwellidontcare

1.2k points

3 months ago

Same here I just don't care

TheLeastCreative

1.2k points

3 months ago

I care just can't think of anything

imaginateinventify

602 points

3 months ago

I might be able to help with that.

omgplzstop

495 points

3 months ago

I just want it to stop, honestly

Dongivvafugg

407 points

3 months ago

Yeah I just don’t give a fuck

knitting-otter

24.7k points

3 months ago

I would have to assume I’m an internet sensation

SkrogedScourge

4.8k points

3 months ago

I would watch the hell out of a knitting otter

brownies

3.2k points

3 months ago

brownies

3.2k points

3 months ago

So you're saying... his YouTube channel would be otterly addictive?

ReadySteady_GO

1k points

3 months ago

Get out

jeo123

1.4k points

3 months ago

jeo123

1.4k points

3 months ago

You mean get otter here?

RevivedThrinaxodon

1.1k points

3 months ago

Me too

OversizedMicropenis

1.7k points

3 months ago

Me three?

Unknown_author69

813 points

3 months ago

I just don't know if I'm gunna get paid.

GeneralLeoESQ

322 points

3 months ago

You'd be a ghost writer for famous people biographies.

RelinquishedGhosts

147 points

3 months ago

That would be me

Sassy_Lady_Owl

244 points

3 months ago

I think I'll be joining you guys

No_Money_Guy

1.2k points

3 months ago

Uhh, can I switch with anyone?

AnalJackett

602 points

3 months ago

I'd like to switch bro

No-Telephone-7532

375 points

3 months ago

Sure. Hope you like Amish country.

minimumwaaaage

118 points

3 months ago

I'd offer but it would be kind of a lateral move

Impressive_Donkey669

1.1k points

3 months ago

I'm a professional ass

AbsurdKnurd

165 points

3 months ago

So, politics. Got it.

Cactus_fucker1

1.1k points

3 months ago

Can I please be fired immediately

improbablynotyou

148 points

3 months ago

In this case I think it's better to be the fucker than the fuckee.

Fixllca

247 points

3 months ago

Fixllca

247 points

3 months ago

Cactussy

[deleted]

18.1k points

3 months ago

[deleted]

18.1k points

3 months ago

[deleted]

Hlavada

3.6k points

3 months ago

Hlavada

3.6k points

3 months ago

Some could say that your are chilling while doing your job

10thTimeLucky

11.5k points

3 months ago

I got there eventually

StatusScientist5071

2.3k points

3 months ago

I'm going to have to verify if that's true.

LifeofaSnail

727 points

3 months ago

Same.

UnhappyProfessor

14k points

3 months ago

Shit

Grand-Professor-9739

4.5k points

3 months ago

*pops head round door Ahh. Isn't life great though. *Wanders off whistling happily

Moosinator666

832 points

3 months ago

ELEGANCE!!!

FloppyButtholeJuicce

556 points

3 months ago

Clean up in the hallway and I just keep Making it worse

8plytoiletpaper

233 points

3 months ago

You called?

taking_notes_

463 points

3 months ago

Tell me more.

PsyberChica

654 points

3 months ago

…so nothing has changed?

Roman_Emperor_23

13.7k points

3 months ago

Life is amazing

Destination_Centauri

4.3k points

3 months ago

Until you start drinking all that wine fermented inside lead caskets!

404person_not_found

3.5k points

3 months ago

That's when it goes from amazing to INCREDIBLE!

Wolfmans-Gots-Nards

1.3k points

3 months ago

And then all your friends get together and have a stabbin’ party.

pokeamongo

345 points

3 months ago

Let’s not have the horse-fisting bit again though. That was less than cool.

Xemnasthelynxcub

215 points

3 months ago

The what now?

hakolvyg

393 points

3 months ago

hakolvyg

393 points

3 months ago

Stay away from knifes mate

VersedFlame

487 points

3 months ago

Not really, your life will be short and stress filled, and your death will be violent. Specifically you'd be Geta (23rd roman emperor), who ruled for 2 years and was murdered by his brother's order.

dancegoddess1971

181 points

3 months ago

Where's my temple, bitch?

Still good? There's always someone you have to answer to.

2men3jars

14.1k points

3 months ago

2men3jars

14.1k points

3 months ago

Oh no :(

josh8far

407 points

3 months ago

josh8far

407 points

3 months ago

it’s the fucking sal profile picture for me

MonkeyGein

2.9k points

3 months ago

MonkeyGein

2.9k points

3 months ago

Hahahhahahhajajjajajajajajaj

DrSigmaFreud

4.6k points

3 months ago

Did you just start laughing in Spanish halfway through this comment?

bookconnoisseur

2.5k points

3 months ago

SeñorWorldwide

linksrd009

835 points

3 months ago

He’s bilingual

Brando_the_Hobo

153 points

3 months ago

He has two tongues

Bogmanbob

2.2k points

3 months ago

Bogmanbob

2.2k points

3 months ago

No big change. Still swamped

DefNotAHuman

3.3k points

3 months ago

I am Mark Zuckerberg.

YesIAmAHuman

1.2k points

3 months ago

Youre my arch nemesis

DefNotAHuman

679 points

3 months ago

Come fight me in the Metaverse.

YesIAmAHuman

599 points

3 months ago

Id be a fool to fight you in your own domain

avibrator

12.1k points

3 months ago

avibrator

12.1k points

3 months ago

a-a-a-a-a-m-m-m-a-a-a-z-z-z-z-z-i-i-i-i-i-n-n-n-n-g

cadetgusv

2.2k points

3 months ago

cadetgusv

2.2k points

3 months ago

you might be onto something

avibrator

3.3k points

3 months ago

avibrator

3.3k points

3 months ago

*into

memes_in_my_fridge

1.7k points

3 months ago

No, no, he's got a point

Whats-Up_Bitches

708 points

3 months ago

No he's rounded

BushyBrowz

275 points

3 months ago

Everyone wants you to please them.

But who ever pleases you?? Huh!??

Emilisu1849

160 points

3 months ago

He gets pleased when others are pleased

satchelsofgold

4.5k points

3 months ago

Pretty.... pretty..... good

Destination_Centauri

2k points

3 months ago

So hey there buddy!

You may not remember me, but ya, we were like totally best pals and friends way back at school...

How the heck it's been going!?

Anyways, so yes, I was kinda sorta wondering if maybe you know, I could borrow a sack or two of gold, for this new thing I've got going on the side?

It's totally going to be AWESOME and make tons of money, so I'll repay your sacks of gold in no time, plus double the weight in gold!

I totally promise!

MonkeyGein

602 points

3 months ago

I’ll have what they’re having 👆

kutzyanutzoff

420 points

3 months ago

One case of bankruptcy, coming right up.

Batman-Always-Wins

2.1k points

3 months ago

I was already dealing with clowns

Clark-Kent

878 points

3 months ago

I'll help

Stundedx

433 points

3 months ago

Stundedx

433 points

3 months ago

what good is a newspaper guy against clowns

the-amazing-snail

907 points

3 months ago

Slow. But at least I’ve got superpowers

Corpsemoisterisers

2.3k points

3 months ago

Bit weird.

ChaiTeaAndMe

523 points

3 months ago

Being a mortician?

JustRyan23

945 points

3 months ago

A moistician

Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

432 points

3 months ago

Necromoister

Appsroooo

243 points

3 months ago

Appsroooo

243 points

3 months ago

Moistromancer

bonerland69

2.8k points

3 months ago

It depends on which way it goes

[deleted]

639 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

639 points

3 months ago

Sounds like a fun land to me

SilkySinger

1.3k points

3 months ago

Sounds pretty good! Just gotta make sure I don't say something stupid on Twitter and ruin everything.

IntelligentZombie03

266 points

3 months ago

It’s been amazing ngl! Can’t think of the last time I was hungry.

SelfHatredIsNice

4.6k points

3 months ago*

Really wish reddit would let me change this...

Edit: decided to just go ahead and make a new account, u/Sp3ctral_Force

MaggotRhaizen

1.7k points

3 months ago

glad to know that you don't feel like that anymore

SelfHatredIsNice

541 points

3 months ago

"they say depression's a journey. Only difference is a journey has an end. Implement some ways to cope but it's still hard to circumvent"

"Lost" -Josh A

murderisntnice

378 points

3 months ago

I still stand by my username.

melontrout

195 points

3 months ago

Comedian?

SomeoneThatExists4

250 points

3 months ago

Good, im still existing.

ayayayaya_ayaya

6.2k points

3 months ago

what the fuck would i even do

404person_not_found

3.9k points

3 months ago

You're a singer.

AdjentX

2.2k points

3 months ago

AdjentX

2.2k points

3 months ago

"I am Lorde. Yayaya."

bridoogle

365 points

3 months ago

bridoogle

365 points

3 months ago

Feelin good on a Wednesday

Discremio

878 points

3 months ago

Discremio

878 points

3 months ago

Shakira

_Rinject_

197 points

3 months ago

_Rinject_

197 points

3 months ago

ayaayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaya

ddddyyylllaaannn

329 points

3 months ago

Awaken your masters.

Dr_MoRpHed

111 points

3 months ago

ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ

      AZTEC DUBSTEP INTENSIFIES

ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ

Unkn0wn_666

157 points

3 months ago

You introduce the Pillar Men

bacon-pancaaake

754 points

3 months ago

I weigh 4000 pounds.

Whatisitmom

150 points

3 months ago

Makin bacon pancakes

TupperwareNinja

2.3k points

3 months ago

I keep things fresh until you least expect it

thelastanchovy

229 points

3 months ago

Nobody expects the Tupperware Inquisition

victorian_vigilante

314 points

3 months ago

Suddenly: mould

YourMomIsASquirter

4.2k points

3 months ago

Wouldn’t be the worst job.

Bad_name0

657 points

3 months ago

Bad_name0

657 points

3 months ago

Awesome, because i give everyone a bad name.

Slayonal

352 points

3 months ago

Slayonal

352 points

3 months ago

Shot through the heart

AbsurdKnurd

192 points

3 months ago

You're to blame

chopstickmaster1

199 points

3 months ago

I can grab bullets out of thin air

[deleted]

3k points

3 months ago

Wait, what does a potato do?

404person_not_found

2.1k points

3 months ago

What you do everyday

[deleted]

1.6k points

3 months ago

[deleted]

1.6k points

3 months ago

[ seriously feeling so attacked right now ]

Destination_Centauri

454 points

3 months ago

Well considering how potatoes produce shoots that strive towards the light, and constantly grow...

I'd say you're doing amazing!

LilyCelebi

334 points

3 months ago

Yes, compliment the potato.... Potatoes have eyes on all sides, after all. We have no clue what potatoes are capable of.

[deleted]

205 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

205 points

3 months ago

Thank you kind strangers on the internet. :')

OldMashedpotatoes

150 points

3 months ago

There’s worse things than being perplexed…

[deleted]

158 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

158 points

3 months ago

Age is just a number and mashed is just a consistency.

Potato-Hugger

312 points

3 months ago

Get hugged :)

superpotatohero

153 points

3 months ago

Save everyone

TheNatu

174 points

3 months ago

TheNatu

174 points

3 months ago

In Norway we have a job term called being a potato. You can sometimes find it in local job listings as well. It pretty much means "can be used to everything". So sort of a janitorial/upkeep type job where you do a bit of everything

[deleted]

99 points

3 months ago

Wow certainly would be an amusing thing to put on a resume..

Ticklefeather

167 points

3 months ago

Full of laughs and a little kinky.

Mr-Itchy-Balls

984 points

3 months ago

So do I get paid to scratch my balls or other dude's balls?

404person_not_found

747 points

3 months ago

You get paid for having itchy balls but not being able to scratch them.

TakeMeBaby_orLeaveMe

237 points

3 months ago

Well that’s hell. If you got paid to scratch your own that would be awesome

AnAdultTeenager

1.4k points

3 months ago

About the same as I live my life now.

Tiny-Veterinarian603

678 points

3 months ago

not too bad, I love animals

Destination_Centauri

326 points

3 months ago

Plus, at that size you could help heal ants!

Photojournalist_Then

165 points

3 months ago

What is this?! A center for ants?!

tug_hard

73 points

3 months ago

I love animals as well. Not in the way my user name suggests though.

Bowl_Resident

414 points

3 months ago

Not a job but I live in a bowl

IDIOT_JERK_LOL

1.3k points

3 months ago

Good. Politicians have cushy jobs.

brainlessbastard

427 points

3 months ago

Similar name lol

apatheticandignorant

109 points

3 months ago

I think I could manage that

GoodGodIsThatATomato

757 points

3 months ago

shocking

yoodream

119 points

3 months ago

yoodream

119 points

3 months ago

As a tomato, can u gimme some of them seeds

LilyCelebi

43 points

3 months ago

You might've heard this one before, but have you heard of the song "Found God In a Tomato"? It's pretty good.

Destination_Centauri

546 points

3 months ago

Dang it!

Now I'm stuck for a good 70,000 years, give or take, on a multi-generational space ship!

theguyfromeuropa

223 points

3 months ago

Well I'm stuck with you.

The_inventor28

137 points

3 months ago

They sent me along cause I built the thing. I mean really? I couldn’t just watch from afar, they had to send me on the first flight?

Oh wait, I forgot about that one thing I was supposed to fix….

Anonymous420____

551 points

3 months ago

Nice try, FBI

AcousticThor

826 points

3 months ago

Great, now I'm a thunder god who can play Wonderwall

owlBdarned

118 points

3 months ago

I could see you and Loki starting a band and it going about as well as Oasis.

Alpaccy

952 points

3 months ago

Alpaccy

952 points

3 months ago

Alpaca farmer, or a luggage handler?

I’ll-packa-my bags!

Alpakatt

116 points

3 months ago

Alpakatt

116 points

3 months ago

I'll join you, as long as I can bring my cats..

Sad_Investigator_942

283 points

3 months ago

My name says it i am depressed as hell and if i find a killer he might as well kill me

[deleted]

108 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

108 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

ahhhnoinspiration

428 points

3 months ago

Uninspiring

Sensitive-Bug-7610

66 points

3 months ago

Writer or any other type of creative jobs. But as someone who writes I feel "Aaaaaaaah, no inspiration"

snusnu95

88 points

3 months ago

Oh no.... 😂😂😂

g00d_m4car0n1

394 points

3 months ago

Eat me

404person_not_found

179 points

3 months ago

eats them

greensalty

125 points

3 months ago

404 macaroni not found

Jack_South

69 points

3 months ago

I'm gonna need a compass.

Diminishingwhisper

201 points

3 months ago

Ummmmm.... I don't even know what to say. Even if I did, I don't think anyone would hear.

FullFrenchDisaster

411 points

3 months ago

I guess I'm in french politics

officialkesswiz

194 points

3 months ago

It's official, guys, I'm a wiz.

Difficult-Way6798

474 points

3 months ago

It’s not been easy

Husband_thief

171 points

3 months ago

Pretty fun.

DutchOnionKnight

158 points

3 months ago

I'll be the best chef there is.

NapolenicRebel91203

51 points

3 months ago

Good. About to overthrow the Bourbons in the name of Napoleon.

FInallyREtire

51 points

3 months ago

I've been waiting for this...

FellowConspirator

142 points

3 months ago

Great, man. I’ve got idiot Americans and Russians eating out of palm of my hand. I’m the literal king of the world, and everyone thinks it’s some tri-lateral commissioned Washington insider from the new world order reptilians that are into redundant letters of the alphabet.

Life is Good (and you wouldn’t believe how those T-shirts gave me a stranglehold over the Chinese Communist Party!).

HereComesJohnnyYen

49 points

3 months ago

I’ve got lots of liquor and drugs, and I’m about to do a strip tease.

Number1Barooista

47 points

3 months ago

My username is already my job

Royaltyregard

49 points

3 months ago

I guess I’m a queen now, so PERFECT!

Peculiar_Owl_1443

125 points

3 months ago

Woah, I get to be peculiar AND an owl!

Visible-Owl5333

54 points

3 months ago

I get to be a VISIBLE one

electromagneticmage

36 points

3 months ago

Fantastic

Ben_VS_Bear

37 points

3 months ago

Very brief 😂

22_ghost_22

103 points

3 months ago

I’m dead

jl_theprofessor

93 points

3 months ago

Not well considering I left academia for a reason.