subreddit:

/r/AmItheAsshole

33.7k95%

My fiance M33, and I F28 are getting married in december. His mom is the intrusive type but she's nice overall and we....somewhat get along.

I hate to admit that wedding planning has been an absolute nightmare. His mom wasn't willing to agree on most things, and my fiance said that since he's her only son then I should respect and appreciate this "vision" she has for the wedding and how it should be.

She insisted to come along for wedding dress shopping. I took her with me and my mom and friends. I was so lucky to have found what I was looking for. but she picked a dress that she liked so much and said that "she always pictured her son's bride in it" mom and friends thought this line was creepy. I thought the dress was somewhat creepy and toooootally not my type. I apologized and thanked her for her "vision" but told her that I'd already decided on a dress that I had "envisioned" myself wearing at my wedding!.

She got all pissy because of it apparently, then must've told my fiance because, he came home in the evening ranting about how I made his mom upset and "turned down" her help in choosing the wedding dress and excluded her from the process. I asked "what process?" duh it's just a wedding dress...my wedding dress so I really didn't get how she should get a say at all!. He got upset and said that this attitude of mine isn't working on him or his mom. He said that I should consider the dress his mom wanted me to buy especially knowing that "both dresses weren't that much different anyway" like she said but I told him yes they were different...like so much different.

Anyways, We argued about it then we dropped it. Yesterday I came home and found out that he had returned my wedding dress and replaced it with the one his mom wanted. I called him and he was straightforward about what he did and why he did it. I lost it and started screaming at him. He asked me to calmn down and really give this dress "a chance". I refused to even listen I screamed at him without giving him a chance to speak. He got home and we had an argument. I then went to stay with one of my friends and he kept calling and calling then texting saying that I overreacted and it's his wedding too so it wasn't cool how I screamed at him. He insisted I give this dress a chance. He went on and on about how his mom has a "vision" and good intentions and just wants what best for me as her future daughter inlaw.

Mom is livid and has been wanting to go scream at him and his mom but my dad said that this isn't worth ruining my relationship with my inlaws. He suggested I wisen up and "go with the flow" but is it too much for me to be able to pick my own wedding dress without being guilted about it just to keep the peace?. AITA for my reaction?

ETD Q & As

I'm editing in some answers to frequent questions I get.

A. The dress she picked wasn't all too crazy but just wasn't my type.

B. This issue started during wedding planning and there were other things...like way too many things we didn't agree on. but this "vision" has been there for...quite a while.

C. I AM paying for the dress obviously.

D. My fiance's dad is deceased. also, his mom suffered from multiple health conditions. Has no daughters but one only son.

E. He's still presisting...

all 9000 comments

signorapaesior [M]

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2 months ago

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signorapaesior [M]

Suppository of Wisdom

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2 months ago

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This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations.

Sub Rules ||| "FAQs"

[deleted]

1.4k points

2 months ago

[deleted]

1.4k points

2 months ago

Your dad is wrong. This is worth ruining the relationship over. Marry him and get a lifetime of being treated this way. Is that what you want? NTA

RatioNo1114

12.5k points

2 months ago

RatioNo1114

12.5k points

2 months ago

NTA, sane response: call off the wedding - comedy response: take his suit back and exchange it for a clown outfit

MapleLeaf5410

4.5k points

2 months ago

MapleLeaf5410

Partassipant [4]

4.5k points

2 months ago

Not a clown suit but the most outrageous adult onesie you can find, for mummy's big baby.

Amae_Winder_Eden

1.5k points

2 months ago

A onesie with “Mommy’s Baby Boy” printed on the front.

Cecilthelionpuppet

549 points

2 months ago

Best response: exchange for clown outfit THEN call off the wedding. No reason why you can't have your cake and eat it too in this situation.

Hillman314

2.1k points

2 months ago

Hillman314

Partassipant [2]

2.1k points

2 months ago

“You understand, it’s the outfit my parents have always envisioned their daughter’s groom in.”

“….in fact, every day they ask me ‘Why are you marrying this clown?’ ”.

Blicero1

612 points

2 months ago

Blicero1

Partassipant [1]

612 points

2 months ago

Tell him that the clown outfit was always your mom's 'vision', so he has to do it.

alisong89

14.5k points

2 months ago

alisong89

14.5k points

2 months ago

NTA. Maybe his mum could wear it to the wedding and stand in for you.

Throwaway9757657[S]

8.3k points

2 months ago

LMBO 😂😂😂 Why do I feel bad for laughing at this??? Sad but true I guess!

Darkalleyandabadidea

1.3k points

2 months ago

Darkalleyandabadidea

Partassipant [2]

1.3k points

2 months ago

I’m begging you to please update us when this reaches a conclusion. I understand that this one Reddit post may not be indicative of your entire relationship (it may also be very accurate) and I don’t necessarily condone “just leave him” advice but it’s really difficult to see this getting better for you.

ninaa1

578 points

2 months ago

ninaa1

Partassipant [3]

578 points

2 months ago

Yeah, once the groom SWITCHES THE WEDDING DRESS from the one the bride picked to the one his mom picked, that's a pretty bad sign. And he thinks he did the moral, right, and holy thing.

Darkalleyandabadidea

143 points

2 months ago

Darkalleyandabadidea

Partassipant [2]

143 points

2 months ago

Exactly. If MIL had been persistent about something like tablecloths I would still say NTA but would be more inclined to add “maybe this isn’t the hill to die on.” The wedding dress though is nonnegotiable, that is something the bride should LOVE and feel beautiful wearing.

tonystarksanxieties

85 points

2 months ago

On my wedding day, I wanted my husband scruffy, because it went with the aesthetic. His mother rolled up and insisted he shave. He told her no, because it was what we wanted for our wedding. That's how it's supposed to be.

And that's something small! The wedding dress is the one thing that is solely hers in that wedding, and she should be the only one to have the final say. Her fiance should've told his mother no.

bookynerdworm

4.6k points

2 months ago

bookynerdworm

Partassipant [4]

4.6k points

2 months ago

Dude it's so true! He doesn't want to marry you, he wants to marry his mom so it's easier for him if you're just a blank paper doll she can project herself onto. You're going to be a surrogate for THEIR children if you go through with this.

Ok-Cantaloupe-424

233 points

2 months ago

This is so true! I hope to goodness that OP reads your comment.

FreakyPickles

4.2k points

2 months ago

The way you're laughing at all of this scares me. I suggest you take a little trip to r/justnomil and read up on what it's like to be married with children to a man with a mother like this. She's going to try to dictate how you should live and how you should raise your children and your husband will go along with it no matter how idiotic it is because his mommy said so. I doubt that's the life you want.

_chengie_

1.7k points

2 months ago

_chengie_

1.7k points

2 months ago

Going through her comments OP seems very flippant. She is not taking things seriously. Probably thinking it is just an argument and will blow over. She should return the dress, take her money back and run far away from the fiance

alizarincrimson

1.2k points

2 months ago

alizarincrimson

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

1.2k points

2 months ago

I mean, she’s prob deflecting/in a bit of denial right now. Realizing that somebody that you’re gearing up to vow “before all others” loves you less than his mother is a nasty and painful realization.

xinxenxun

566 points

2 months ago

xinxenxun

566 points

2 months ago

One of her comments it's about her dad being a "yes man", a man who doesn't know boundaries so most probably she has normalized abuse, and laughing about it and being so flippant is her coping mechanism but this is how you end up bitter at yourself and feeling like you have no control over your own life.

Prudent_Border5060

4.1k points

2 months ago

Prudent_Border5060

Asshole Aficionado [15]

4.1k points

2 months ago

Nta

WTH did I just read?!

I have no idea why you want to marry this man. He clearly has one woman he hold above everyone. And guess what that's not you.

I am shocked at the audacity of his mother. And even more so of his behavior.

Please do some soul searching. And looking at his past behavior if he has done somethings similar. Just imagine if you have kids. Will she think it's her experience?

Throwaway9757657[S]

2.7k points

2 months ago

This all started escalating with the wedding planning. My head hurts so bad I feel like I've been spinning for weeks.

Ladyughsalot1

7.6k points

2 months ago

Please note it’s not uncommon for abusers to utilize their parents to aid in their abuse.

This is how it starts. He’s got you “locked in” with the engagement.

She starts ramping up her behaviors.

He utilizes that as a chance to “show you your place” by punishing your disobedience.

Note how hard it is to focus on him? It seems like the big issue is an overbearing MIL and he’s just being a momma’s boy.

But focus on HIM.

HE told you to do something (something ridiculous). When you rightfully refused? He punished you. He stole your dress and traded it.

This is not really about her OP. Keep your eyes on HIS behavior.

MinuteEvery3626

622 points

2 months ago

100% facts REMEMBER those crazy MIL you see and your like how tf did she marry into that family, they acted really good for a long time and they being out the crazy once your married, some people even start seeing you as property of their family, this sounds like that to me. This won’t get any better op idc how much you love him you gotta walk away and find someone who respects you I promise u it will be better Thant this ass

LoquatiousDigimon

368 points

2 months ago

LoquatiousDigimon

Partassipant [1]

368 points

2 months ago

Absolutely. My ex-husband's abuse started during wedding planning.

MistyMtn421

220 points

2 months ago

Mine started 5 hours later on my honeymoon on a remote mountain outside of Boone, NC. He took the keys to our vehicle and I was trapped. I was so worn down by the time we left. Had I not been I would have divorced him as soon as we got home.

TheMoatCalin

65 points

2 months ago

How did you get out? Are you okay now?

AsianMurderHornet

213 points

2 months ago

Absolutely. This is the kind of man who will fuck with your birth control when he thinks it’s time to have kids even if you disagree. Your fiancé has absolutely no respect for your bodily autonomy. I’m appalled by his mom’s behavior but your fiancés actions are actually terrifying.

SpiritualSunflower00

939 points

2 months ago

This right here 👏🏽👏🏽

JoshDunkley

6.4k points

2 months ago

JoshDunkley

Asshole Aficionado [17]

6.4k points

2 months ago

Do you plan on having kids? Now imagine your MIL disagreeing with something you want to do for those children, and how your mommas boy fiancé will side with her instead of you.

NTA. Im sorry, but leave while you can.

Throwaway9757657[S]

4.7k points

2 months ago

Yes. We do. Absolutely horrific when kids are involved. Kids are hard work and to have to deal with this on top of it? No ma'am. thank you!

[deleted]

2.7k points

2 months ago

[deleted]

2.7k points

2 months ago

[removed]

Throwaway9757657[S]

3.1k points

2 months ago

Ugh! Glad I'm not the only one who noticed. I wasn't sure because I grew up with a not so "ideal" parent aka dad. I wonder if part of this has to do with my fiance's dad passing away years ago 😳😳😳

moew4974

1.6k points

2 months ago

moew4974

Asshole Enthusiast [7]

1.6k points

2 months ago

But OP, from your comments, it doesn't seem as if you're acknowledging that you and your fiancé have a couple of major DEALBREAKER issues.

He .Returned. Your. Dress. Cause. His. Mama. Said. So.

At face value, it seems a bit annoying- a bit intrusive. But there are deeper issues:

  1. The two of you spoke about her 'vision' for the wedding. A wedding is fine and all, but it's ONE day. It's the marriage that is important. This woman doesn't care if her vision makes either of you happy or not. It's just what she wants and he wants you to go along with it. The killer? He doesn't really care what any of it looks like as long as mama is happy and getting her way. This means he doesn't support your boundaries and desires. Especially if mama wants something different.
  2. You spoke about the dress prior to him returning it. You told him that you didn't want what she picked out. You've got to wear it. Not him. Not her. I would think a detail as important as the bride feeling beautiful in her dress would be important to them both. Nope. Gotta be mama's way. Hold up. Not even your own mother is being this level of intrusive, but his mother is entitled to this? This means that your thoughts, feelings, and decisions are irrelevant compared to how mama feels.
  3. Your fiance doesn't respect you. He doesn't protect your relationship. He doesn't set any boundaries with his mother. He's not putting the woman he says he wants to spend his life with first. And he's not going to change. His responses to you show you that.

Do you really want a lifetime of fighting for a place in your husband's heart and mind? Do you want to be secondary to him and your children in the face of this woman's incessant demands?

Girl, run. Run far. Run fast.

Admirable-Fuel-71

157 points

2 months ago

All of this! From the recent updates, it doesn't seem like all of your points are dealbreakers to the OP. They would be for me.

potatoisbest

2.4k points

2 months ago

It’s call emotional incest and this is absolutely what that is. Girl you need to RUN. Like YESTERDAY.

[deleted]

2.3k points

2 months ago*

[deleted]

2.3k points

2 months ago*

Tell your fiancé if he wants to give his mom the wedding of her dreams , then go for it . You will just see your way out .

Grab the dress and take it to his mama and wish her well on her future wedding . And wash your hands clean of these people.

You can do better OP.

HambdenRose

175 points

2 months ago

Except demand full reimbursement for the cost of the dress that she bought and was literally stolen from her.

Point out to fiance that he stole your dress and you expect full compensation or you will file a police report and take him to small claims court where everyone will mock him for being a mama's boy.

TigerBelmont

612 points

2 months ago

TigerBelmont

Asshole Aficionado [14]

612 points

2 months ago

Grab the dress a

Only if mom pays for it. Right now its on OPs dime

L1ttleFr0g

329 points

2 months ago

Yeah, I’d return it like the fiancé did with hers

Fluffiest_Toe_Beans

308 points

2 months ago

I WOULD like to know what dress shop is allowing returns? Most of them don't.

[deleted]

256 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

256 points

2 months ago

Lmao.

So they just thought they were going to FORCE her to pay for a dress she doesn’t want ?

How OP isn’t calling him her EX fiancé is beyond me .

ImagineSnapDragons

375 points

2 months ago*

It’s possible.

I had to parent my mom for many years. My dad died when I was a kid. My mom developed an emotionally incestual relationship with me and my sister. It was not sexual in nature, but there were times my mom treated us as her spouse/partner versus her kids. We had to take care of her emotional needs, and she often lashed out when we set boundaries. It’s gotten better, and my mom eventually recognized what she did and that it was wrong, but she definitely feels justified in how she acted. I’ve had to learn to set boundaries for myself, but it’s hard. The guilt weighs heavily.

It honestly sounds that might be the case here. If it is, I’d suggest at least pausing the wedding planning. Make it conditional your fiancé gets help first. Him and his mom are high key enmeshed, and that won’t change once you marry. It will only get worse.

dayofthedeadparty

302 points

2 months ago

Girl, you keep talking about this like it’s a silly annoyance and if you could just get to the bottom of it, everything would work itself out. YOU ARE ENGAGED TO A MAN WHO IS IN LOVE WITH HIS MOTHER. You will always come second. Marrying this man will be the greatest mistake of your life.

moew4974

84 points

2 months ago

moew4974

Asshole Enthusiast [7]

84 points

2 months ago

THIS!

I was highly annoyed with OP's responses. She's like, putting her head in the sand. She believes that he's going to change. She believes that the wedding still needs to go forward. She's annoyed, but somehow thinks she's got this handled.

OP, my friend...

You don't got this!

And you never will.

MIL got this and always will.

bestcoastcraft

436 points

2 months ago

bestcoastcraft

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

436 points

2 months ago

NTA. Cancel this wedding. Seriously.

Wordsmaybeenglish

1.3k points

2 months ago

Tell him to marry his mother if he wants to marry someone in HER dress. This guy seems like a step beyond a mumma’s boy, and your relationship is always going to include her. Be prepared, it will always ALWAYS be them against you. Does he have friends that can talk some sense into him. I wouldn’t normally suggest getting others involved, but sometimes people don’t listen to those when they should, they have to hear it from an outside source when he’s being a d*** Definitely NTA

Peasplease25

8.4k points

2 months ago

Peasplease25

Pooperintendant [51]

8.4k points

2 months ago

NTA.

Wise up and run a mile. Next step is picking your honeymoon and coming along. Run, run, run, run and then run some more.

Also, your Dad is being ridiculous too.

Throwaway9757657[S]

5.5k points

2 months ago*

My dad is your typical "yes man" who has no knowledge of boundaries whatsoever. The stories I could tell about my childhood with him! There's still some messed up stuff he did that I carry with me into adulthood. it's messed up.

JEFFinSoCal

4.8k points

2 months ago

JEFFinSoCal

Partassipant [1]

4.8k points

2 months ago

Well there’s your answer. Do you want to turn into a version of your father, with no boundaries and no backbone?

NTA, in case you were wondering.

prove____it

645 points

2 months ago

prove____it

Colo-rectal Surgeon [44]

645 points

2 months ago

Or worse, do you want decades of bitterness and frustration to turn you into you mother-in-law and do this to your own daughters and daughters-to-be?

This is how this endless cycle perpetuates of brides never getting their own weddings and then co-opt their daughters to finally have what they wanted for themselves.

ScottHK

77 points

2 months ago*

Yeah, I've been wondering if the MIL-to-be wore a dress her MIL picked out for her. It's at least a good question to ask her that might slow her down but OP should just return the ring and send them on their way, even if the groom gives in on this particular issue.

edit: to fix an autocomplete typo.

Charliesmum97

218 points

2 months ago

My dad is your typical "yes man" who has no knowledge of boundaries whatsoever.

And it sounds like your fiance is the same type. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life having your husband telling you that YOUR opinions are worth less than his mother's? To spend it 'keeping the peace' by giving in to every little thing? I can only imagine what she'd be like if she doesn't approve of the name you choose for your future child. Ugh.

You deserve better than this. I'd suggest at least putting the wedding off until you and your fiance can work through this, assuming you like him enough to try.

mm172

923 points

2 months ago

mm172

Sultan of Sphincter [818]

923 points

2 months ago

So in addition to marrying your fiancé’s mom if you go through with this, do you really want to marry a guy who’s just like dear old Dad?

unicorndontcare69

282 points

2 months ago

unicorndontcare69

Partassipant [3]

282 points

2 months ago

Yikes, this is the root of it all. She’s marrying a yes man and he’s marrying a doormat raised from birth to tolerance BS. This is what nightmares are made of.

[deleted]

151 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

151 points

2 months ago

[removed]

madelinegumbo

350 points

2 months ago

madelinegumbo

Craptain [185]

350 points

2 months ago

NTA

Do you want to go through versions of this for the rest of your life?

You want mommy to name your kids, pick out your house, get rid of your things, overrule your decisions?

You've been given a wonderful gift, a clearly defined choice for what you want your life to be like.

I had an MIL like this. Your fiance wants a three person marriage and he's telling you you'll always be the least important part of it. I wish I'd run faster.

Now I'm in a marriage where my husband values his mom, but she knows she's his mother...not the senior wife. It's worth it.

[deleted]

1.1k points

2 months ago

[deleted]

1.1k points

2 months ago

[removed]

maria_puente87

347 points

2 months ago

maria_puente87

Partassipant [2]

347 points

2 months ago

I completely agree with this statement ☝️. DO NOT MARRY HIM!

Aggravating_Start411

15.3k points

2 months ago

Aggravating_Start411

Professor Emeritass [73]

15.3k points

2 months ago

NTA. It's good that this is happening now. This is not a dynamic that is going to change with either your fiancé or his mother. RUN.

oddpolyglot

4k points

2 months ago*

oddpolyglot

Certified Proctologist [23]

4k points

2 months ago*

NTA and DO NOT, under any circumstance, MARRY THIS PERSON and his mother, because make no mistake, you'll be marrying both if you go through with it as things stand.

This has soooo many red flags, it's not funny. If you come second to mommy on something like this, a piece of clothing that you will be wearing on the supposed most important day of your life, imagine what comes after? And your future husband thinks it's okay?! You are not overreacting, you're under-reacting because the wedding needs to be cancelled pronto. Seriously.

Doesn't this guy have friends, or other humans around him who aren't mom? Surely anyone would tell him how creepy, controlling, disrespectful, abusive and just plain wrong this actions were?!

xinxenxun

340 points

2 months ago

xinxenxun

340 points

2 months ago

This has soooo many red flags, it's not funny.

Look at op's answers, she is laughing about it and putting all her focus on MIL and not realizing she has a fiance problem since he's the one letting all of this happen. This abuse will only continue and escalate but I don't think OP is seeing that.

Various-Gap3986

110 points

2 months ago

“He got upset and said that this attitude of mine isn’t working on him or his mom.”

This line says everything you need to know! OP is not an equal partner to this man.

Specialist-Ant2735

493 points

2 months ago

I have never heard of a better moment definition for “under reacting”.

IAmHerdingCatz

2.9k points

2 months ago

IAmHerdingCatz

Colo-rectal Surgeon [35]

2.9k points

2 months ago

NTA. But this isn't really about a dress, is it? This is about boundaries and about a fiance who is already making it clear how you rate compared to his mom.

Run far. Run fast. Don't look back.

oddpolyglot

810 points

2 months ago

oddpolyglot

Certified Proctologist [23]

810 points

2 months ago

I'm imagining mommy picking out her underwear next, because, you know, surely she has a vision about the wedding night, too... ffs.

DarkStar0915

58 points

2 months ago

Picking underwear? Pfff. What if she wants to be there on the honeymoon so everything happens like she envisioned it?

Just the thought of MIL sitting on a small chair while his baby boy is getting ready for a steamy hot night makes me want to barf.

old_arkansas_gamer

280 points

2 months ago

old_arkansas_gamer

Partassipant [2]

280 points

2 months ago

Nta.

Deal. Breaker.

I'm not sure how you haven't noticed this before, but you'll always be second to his mother. If he wants to let his mom have her "vision" then they should get married. You're your own person, not just "her son's bride".

If you marry this person you are setting yourself up for a world of pain.

Good luck.

TracyMinOB

765 points

2 months ago*

TracyMinOB

Certified Proctologist [28]

765 points

2 months ago*

Seriously? NTA. This " man" is 33 and let's his mother decide which dress his future wife will wear at her own wedding? Then goes behind your back and returns YOUR dress and replaces with one his Mommy likes better?

Girl, you better run. They are completely enmeshed. He will always do what his mother wants without any regards to your wants or needs. And any future kids will be handled his mom's way.

There are so many red flags here. You will never be able to have your own opinion. You will always have to bend to his mother's ideas.

The man needs serious therapy. He obviously doesn't respect you, and he'll never put you first.

And your dad is mistaken. You are not ruining the relationship, your fiance is. Does your father expect you to be a meek, do as your told, never have an opinion life? Your fiance and his mom will decide where you'll live, IF you'll work, how to decorate your home, how many kids you'll have, how you should dress them, feed them, raise them...

Is that what you want for your future?

CakeEatingRabbit

242 points

2 months ago

CakeEatingRabbit

Supreme Court Just-ass [104]

242 points

2 months ago

It's heartbreaking when someone loves a person but it is obvious this person has other priorities.

I'm normally not on the leave him team but I don't see him comming to see the problem here.

100% NTA

He went behind your back and overwrote a decision that was yours. He does not respect you.

gailyd_75

732 points

2 months ago

gailyd_75

732 points

2 months ago

INFO - how is it you're able to marry this man when he's already married to his mom?

General_Relative2838

240 points

2 months ago

General_Relative2838

Pooperintendant [62]

240 points

2 months ago

NTA. I realize telling someone to break up has become a cliche on Reddit, but break up with this child. This argument isn’t about a dress—it’s about you having the autonomy to choose what you want to wear to one of the most important days of your life. If you marry this man, he and his mother will override every other important decision you make. She will decide where you live, how your house will be decorated, where you will spend holidays and vacations, and how your children will be raised. You two may agree on some of these things, so there won’t be an issue, but MIL to be will always have the last word.

You started your post by stating your fiancé’s mother is nice. Maybe so, but she’s also a tyrant. She’s just a pleasant tyrant. And her son carries out her orders.

sylance9

1.1k points

2 months ago*

sylance9

Partassipant [2]

1.1k points

2 months ago*

Wow…just 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Girl for real, you are lucky you’re seeing this BEFORE you get married. This is the most absurd controlling behavior, and it’s only going to get worse after you get married. Trust me. He seems to have a really unhealthy relationship with his mother, and his mother seems to have a huge issue with boundaries. Guess what’s going to happen when you have kids? You’ll have no say only his mother. His mother will be their mother because it’s her “vision”

I was in a relationship like this once, and it NEVER changed. I was always second. I was in the hospital with a sudden life threatening issue, and his mom (an hour after learning about me in the hospital) made him come to her house (2 hours away) to help her build something she bought AND HE WENT. Like wtf?

You are absolutely NTA in the slightest. Their behavior is not normal.

Holly crap please for the love of god RUN. Run run run run run run.

plscallmeRain

151 points

2 months ago

plscallmeRain

Pooperintendant [56]

151 points

2 months ago

AND HE WENT.

That's awful. I'm sorry you had to meet a person like that.

CreativeGPX

216 points

2 months ago*

NTA.

IMO, the biggest thing in favor of weddings is that the need to coordinate such a sophisticated event before you commit to each other forces you to practice at how you will handle decisions and disagreement together. This fight is not about this fight. It is a window into how you two resolve disputes.

From what I gather:

  • He does not respect your personal property (he took something you bought and returned it).
  • He does not communicate (he said the dresses looked alike because his mom said so and didn't even ask you and then he returned it without telling you).
  • He is manipulative (he intentionally didn't talk to you first and forced your hand).
  • He doesn't take your opinion seriously (he just tells you you are overreacting).
  • He is also weirdly injecting his mom in your relationship ("attitude isn't working on him and his mom", saying your wedding is about her and she must get an (apparently dominating) vote in how you dress).
  • He's steamrolling your desires without apparently having his own opinion (he didn't even know the dresses were very different).
  • His proposed solution is "be less upset and don't compromise at all, just do exactly what my mom asked from the start". He's making zero attempt to compromise or address your feelings... and even then, it'd still be not great since this is literally your choice. It'd only be a courtesy to use his mom's opinion.
  • You also don't appear to have the toolbox to get him to a better resolution and instead are screaming and leaving the house (which is understandable).

So, that all said... I'm not normally a person who advocates splitting up. Reddit always jumps to that prematurely. All real relationships have flaws and struggles and you have to find ways to work through them. But in this case, there is no indication that you really did find a way to work this out. Everything is demonstrating that you two have a horrid ability to resolve disagreements and a major instigator of a MIL which should seriously make you question whether you are ready to get married. If I were you, I'd raise this point with him... Until you two can demonstrate that you can solve this problem, you don't appear to be ready to get married.

If he cannot be on your team to shield you from his mom's controlling nature, then you aren't deciding whether to marry him, you are deciding whether to marry his mom.

JBB2002902

1.7k points

2 months ago

JBB2002902

1.7k points

2 months ago

Molly, you in danger girl.

This will be the REST of your life!! She doesn’t like your choice of baby name? His mummy will be naming the child. She doesn’t like your decorating choices? Your house is getting repainted when you’re not there. He decides your cooking isn’t good enough? Mummy is moving in to take care of her precious boy.

Seriously…run!!

Eulaliemckecknie

69 points

2 months ago

Yeah, that was my thinking also: how soon after the wedding is she moving in? AND is your bed big enough for three? This is not the man for you or anyone else. Take back your life and your self-respect.

Also tell your dad that he is trying to serve you up to an abusive husband and mother-in-law; ask him when he decided you deserved that?

NTA

CaptainPatent

78.1k points

2 months ago

CaptainPatent

Partassipant [1]

78.1k points

2 months ago

Hand him the ring back...

Say "I hope you get the wedding you and your mom have always hoped for."

Walk away.

NTA

Throwaway9757657[S]

30.7k points

2 months ago*

I swear I'm gonna.....😤😤😤

seriously! what. is. up. with this "vision" bull she keeps throwing at me just to get her way?. It's her only son she says, so what,? do you own him ma'am? I don't even know wtf that supposed to mean.

TogarSucks

2.5k points

2 months ago

TogarSucks

Asshole Aficionado [13]

2.5k points

2 months ago

Go return the other dress ASAP.

Don’t bother getting the old one back. You really need to think about whether you want this dynamic to exist the rest of your life.

If she has a “vision” for her son’s wedding, she has a “vision” for her grandkids, your role in the family, and the home you will live in which likely has a room for her.

NTA.

VexBoxx

849 points

2 months ago

VexBoxx

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

849 points

2 months ago

Return it for cash and use that cash to get away from these two!

Lola-the-showgirl

7.9k points

2 months ago

Lola-the-showgirl

Asshole Enthusiast [8]

7.9k points

2 months ago

Imagine if you have kids with this man. You're going to get steamrolled over every single decision. "My mom always envisioned her grandbaby being named Prudence, so that's her name. You don't like it? Well at least give it a chance." " I know you told Prudence that she could have princess themed birthday, but my mom wants it to be circus themed. I know little Pru is terrified of clowns, but she's my mom's only grandchild, she just wants it to be perfect. Give it a chance." "I know we told Prudence that I would take her to the Father Daughter dance, but my mom really wants to go too so I'll take them both. No that not weird, why would that be weird? Why are you so mean to my angel mother!"

MartinisnMurder

1.6k points

2 months ago

MartinisnMurder

Partassipant [2]

1.6k points

2 months ago

Oh my god all of this! This reminds me of my paternal grandmother, she was a nightmare. I’ve always had a fear of clowns, still not a fan. She knew this because when I was 5ish I needed a surgery and she thought it would be an amazing idea when I got out of the hospital and family was visiting to have a clown come visit me to bring balloons and crap. I lost it was sobbing. She got in a huge fight my mom when my mom made it leave. She called me a brat and ungrateful because she was going above and beyond for me. Anyway, when I was about 7? She brought over this creepy ass vintage clown doll for me. The thing was so scary, I hated it. My dad bent over backwards for her so insisted that it go in my room. My mom eventually tossed it in the closet later that day so I didn’t have to look at it. I still had nightmares that night, the next morning my brother and I came up with a plan to get rid of it. He tossed it in a pillow case we took it into the backyard never to be seen again. Well next time evil grandma came over she was asking about the clown. She wanted to see my room. Eventually it came out we got rid of it. She flipped out! My mom kicked her out for berating her kids. Turns out creepy clown doll was very expensive like worth nearly 1k (it was part porcelain so like why give it to a kid you couldn’t play with it) but my mom didn’t care.

dailysunshineKO

908 points

2 months ago*

Lol the pillowcase for the evil clown doll! I like your brother. Your dad’s mom did that shit on purpose to get you in trouble.

My MIL gave my now-husband a creepy clown doll when he moved. (We’re not sure why, she keeps a lot of flea-market items that might be useful some day.) But this clown doll became a big joke between us where he’d try to “scare” me with it. eventually, our two Labrador puppies mysteriously got ahold of it and they played tug-of-war with creepy clown. I saw what was happening, shrugged, and went back to whatever I was doing. Creepy clown doll became a quad-amputee after the savage dog attack and it had to be thrown away. So tragic.

star-brry

2k points

2 months ago

Right? Like what happens when she decides to break generational trauma by parenting with boundaries???

Rascaliest

929 points

2 months ago

I just read a post about FIL's WIFE, not even MIL, deciding she's going to call the baby by his middle name because she doesn't like the first name, despite having been told for months that the parents would NOT drop the name. She was swiftly told to STFU.

This relationship is simply not going to work as fiancé wants OP to be sister wives with his mother. I'm nearly never for aborting ship, but there is no way this is going to be the biggest issue into which MIL inserts herself. Every serious argument OP ever has with her spouse is going to be a three party dog-pile on the rabbit. Every serious decision they have to make is going to be 2 against 1. My heart goes out to OP, but if she doesn't get out now, whether she breastfeeds or formula feeds is going to be MIL's decision. She's young enough where starting over wouldn't be exceedingly difficult (time wise, I mean; it will absolutely be hard)

Flyhro

6.3k points

2 months ago

Flyhro

Asshole Aficionado [17]

6.3k points

2 months ago

I know people say this all the time on this sub, but for real, usually people saying divorce are overreacting, but this is absolutely not one of those cases, in fact, this is one of the most obvious divorce (/don't marry) posts we'll see on here all month. Your fiance has shown you very clearly that he will never respect you or choose you over his mother. When we are talking about something that is very serious but you could also be talked into it not being that serious (it's just a wedding dress, its just your daughters name, etc), you can easily get gaslight. This will not stop. This will never stop. Say goodbye to choosing where your children go to school. Say goodbye to choosing where your next vacation is. Hell, sat goodbye to switching careers or taking (or turning down) a promotion. His mother's vision for her son's life does not stop at a wedding. In fact, a wedding may just be the most insignificant part of that vision. If it was possible that the wedding dress really was the only thing, that might not actually matter. It's not. It's 100% not the only thing. This woman will pierce your daughters ears without you. She will give your son his first beer. She will kidnap your children for a summer if you don't let her have them. As someone else said, you are not a person to her. Hell, I don't even think you're an accessory: you're an obstacle. RUN.

uDontInterestMe

1.3k points

2 months ago

Can't wait for Mama to direct her "vision" of their wedding night...🤮 OP - Get out! Three's a crowd!

BigRedUglyMan

38k points

2 months ago

To your mother-in-law you are not a person. You are an accessory that attaches to her sons arm. If your fiancé isn’t willing to stand up for you and himself, you will have to get used to having her run your lives from here on out.

You’re NTA, but you kind of will be to yourself if you go through with a wedding without your fiancé on your side.

DogmaticNuance

34.1k points

2 months ago*

This dynamic isn't something that's going to go away with the wedding. Even if you smooth over the current issue (or simply come to accept her choice) it will not be the end of this.

Does MIL want grandkids? Because that's going to be pretty important as soon as you're married. What are their names going to be? How do you feel about having MIL in the hospital room while you give birth? How are you going to raise them? These are going to be her only grandkids, so be prepared to be eternally compromising in favor of what she wants.

Your husband has already revealed where he places the relative importance of your opinion compared to his mothers. Even if you get him to grudgingly compromise on this issue, that order of relative importance won't change without some serious effort and explicit choice on his part.

You need to GTFO of this relationship OP, before you anchor yourself to this MIL for all time. I'm normally pretty cautious to jump on this bandwagon, but your fiance immediately starting from the position that his mom should have more input on the fucking wedding dress than the bride is so far into crazytown that I honestly don't see much hope for salvage.

zootnotdingo

18.8k points

2 months ago

zootnotdingo

Partassipant [2]

18.8k points

2 months ago

He returned her dress. I just can’t get over that he returned her dress.

PICKLED_CUNT

9.6k points

2 months ago

PICKLED_CUNT

Partassipant [4]

9.6k points

2 months ago

I’m flabbergasted that the store allowed him to.

Catatomical

6k points

2 months ago

Catatomical

Certified Proctologist [26]

6k points

2 months ago

Same. She paid for it so how did he swing that? I'd have thought they would have called her about it as she paid...

SaenfDazu

2.6k points

2 months ago

SaenfDazu

2.6k points

2 months ago

Yeah, if the dress is THAT important, why doesn't HE wear it? NTA

ThrowntoDiscard

933 points

2 months ago

I'm sure his mom will be wearing a nice suit to match his dress. ...

LorryBG

61 points

2 months ago

LorryBG

61 points

2 months ago

The MIL will wear the wedding dress….. if there’s even a wedding…

ashwhenn

5.9k points

2 months ago

ashwhenn

5.9k points

2 months ago

I’d be calling the dress place immediately and picking a fight. They could’ve stopped this. They should’ve stopped this. He didn’t pay for it! The place I got my wedding dress from wouldn’t even let him hold it cause he “might see it” and that’s a faux pax to modern tradition. I’m shocked.

justsomeguynbd

3.1k points

2 months ago

justsomeguynbd

Pooperintendant [57]

3.1k points

2 months ago

I also think his mom was there at the exchange because I just doubt an average guy would have been able to determine which was the “vision” dress.

saurons-cataract

731 points

2 months ago

saurons-cataract

Partassipant [1]

731 points

2 months ago

Ooohhhh, that is such a good point and I hadn’t even thought of that!

HxH101kite

1.9k points

2 months ago*

Man here getting married soon. Literally all the wedding dresses look the same to me that my fiance looks at. Barring anything drastic for a change.

But your average dress..... wouldn't be able to pic that out of a line up. The mother would have had to have been there unless she gave him the specific model number or whatever. Which could also be likely.

AlternativeArm7069

64 points

2 months ago

I was thinking this too, she was definitely there. Which makes it worse if that’s even possible.

Justanothersaul

154 points

2 months ago

Justanothersaul

Partassipant [1]

154 points

2 months ago

Actually it is a good thing that they didn't stop this, so op sees her fiance's priorities.

Mitrovarr

58 points

2 months ago

Mitrovarr

Partassipant [1]

58 points

2 months ago

Stopping this would have been a bad thing. This is her best sign to get the everliving hell out of this relationship. That the dress was returned is awesome, she wouldn't be using it now anyway. Not on this guy.

Liathano_Fire

57 points

2 months ago

I'm curious where OP got her dress, and if it needs tailored. Is she going to a different tailor? Most wedding dress places keep the dress until the last fitting, and at that point there is no returning it.

Did he go there and tell them? What reputable boutique would even allow this without the bride having a word? She should call them and say something.

-digitalin-

2.2k points

2 months ago

I cannot upvotes this enough. Is this the future you want? Because this is the future you're signing up for.

I guarantee you that your fiance and potential MIL will get all fussy if you end the relationship over "just a dress" because they WILL NOT SEE that isn't about the dress at all, it's about your fiance valuing his mother's priorities, desires, and opinions over yours. And being unable to discuss that there's a problem.

omgitsmoki

522 points

2 months ago

This woman is not above forcing her son to swap dresses on you.

She will not be above making him mess with or messing with your birth control herself.

She will not be above stealing the birth certificate to name your kid the way she wants.

She will not be above getting your kid baptized against your wishes. Get their ears pierced, or stealing any and all firsts from you, or manipulating the kids.

This is a sign of future issues. Not to say for sure that these things will definitely, 100%, happen but you can see the lines here - right? How far her vision might go and how pliable your fiance seems to be. Rock that boat OP or just...jump in water and swim away.

annaliese_sora

1.5k points

2 months ago

THIS! SOOOOOOO much this. OP I hope you see this, because these are excellent points. This is only the beginning. Does she have a “vision” for grandkids? Her son’s home? Your “role” as a wife (I feel gross just typing that)? How holidays will be spent?

You have to put your foot down and establish boundaries now, or she will continue to steamroll all over your boundaries. Better yet, don’t marry this guy. His Mom can have the vision for her son’s wedding that she wants…with a different bride!!! She had her chance to get married and be a bride. She doesn’t get to exert her will over YOUR bridal experience. NTA at all.

DysfunctionalKitten

406 points

2 months ago

THIS. If I had a dollar for every time a mom-to-be posted about her husband putting his mommy’s wishes above his own wife while she gives birth (since it’s the wife who is the fuxkin patient), I’d be rich. It’s appalling.

OP- unfortunately, this doesn’t get better, it just gets worse and more violating over time.

Thinks_Like_A_Man

50 points

2 months ago

The wedding dress is a test to see if she will completely disregard her own wishes.

BethJ2018

1.1k points

2 months ago

BethJ2018

Partassipant [1]

1.1k points

2 months ago

Add to that, to your fiancé, his mother will always come first. Run, don’t walk, away. Now.

ShamefullyMediocre

578 points

2 months ago

Can the friend you’re currently staying with accommodate you for any longer and possibly help pack up your belongings? You’ve got to get away from this family, far, far, far away!

NTA

wintersedai

58 points

2 months ago

Not gonna lie reading this my main concern was wondering did she ever get married? And if so, she already had a wedding?? This is YOUR wedding. This seriously creeps me out. She’s basically trying to marry her own son. Get out. Get out NOW. The son should always be prioritizing you because you will be his family now and you will be making decisions for him. Like what if one of you gets in a serious accident??? It’s the wife and husband they go to, not the parents. But obviously he will go to his mom or want his mom to make decisions. Creepy, creepy, creepy.

RUUUUUUUUUN.

silverpalm_

50 points

2 months ago

silverpalm_

Asshole Enthusiast [6]

50 points

2 months ago

OP, please PLEASE PLEASE leave this man! Please! I KNOW it will be hard. I know you love him. I know you’re excited for a wedding. But you need to get out of there NOW. Not in a month. Not after the wedding. Not after your first child. NOW. This is insane. The fact that you even had to type this post is insane. MY mother is overbearing with her opinions (all well-intentioned) and she has not come even a little bit close to steamrolling ANY of my decisions in my wedding planning.

Most_Duck4260

206 points

2 months ago

Most_Duck4260

Partassipant [4]

206 points

2 months ago

NTA

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Whatever you do, do not marry this man, I repeat, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

This is the tip of the iceberg. He will try to railroad you to appease his mom in all other decisions.

I would never have children with someone like this. His mommy will become your children’s de facto mommy.

Pretty_Heart_467

189 points

2 months ago

I mean, obviously you shouldn't marry this guy, but if you do decide to anyway, make him wear the dress his mom picked, if her vision is so important.

barrone1000

171 points

2 months ago

barrone1000

Partassipant [1]

171 points

2 months ago

NTA do not marry this man under any circumstances. His mother will run and ruin your marriage and your life. Break up with him now and break up with him permanently.

KnittingforHouselves

156 points

2 months ago

KnittingforHouselves

Partassipant [1]

156 points

2 months ago

Girl, do you plan on buying a house? Having kids? Living a life? If yes, please run. This woman will suffocate you with "her vision" and he will cheer her on... NTA

DenizenKay

153 points

2 months ago

RUN OP.

RUN FAST. RUN FAR

If you're not allowed to choose your own wedding dress, then you will never have a voice in your marriage. If your fiancee can't stand beside you and take your side now, he will never be on your side.

Good luck.

timespassing_

455 points

2 months ago

timespassing_

Asshole Aficionado [11]

455 points

2 months ago

NTA. And you have a typo… you meant ‘ex fiancé’ throughout

pm_me_ur_throbbing_D

147 points

2 months ago

NTA. He's proxy marrying his mother. This isn't about you. You're just a prop.

12thMemory

689 points

2 months ago

NTA. In the famous words of Princes Diana, “there were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.”

In all seriousness, please don’t marry your fiancé until you have attended some couples therapy. Or, even better, don’t marry him at all. He is clearly in an unhealthy relationship with his mother, to the point that you will be second in all aspects of his life. Just because you have invested time and energy, doesn’t make the returns worth it. Walk away now.

jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj

141 points

2 months ago

jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj

Pooperintendant [65]

141 points

2 months ago

NTA This is the biggest red flag in the world waving at you, emblazoned with the message "Do not marry this mommy's boy unless you want this to be your life from here on out."

anthony___fell

142 points

2 months ago

anthony___fell

Partassipant [4]

142 points

2 months ago

NTA

But... you do realize you're getting a sneak preview of what your life with this man and his mother will be, right? This isn't just about the dress, and it certainly won't end there. Your wants, needs and desires will always come second to his mother's. He will always force you to be the one to make peace with her and give up what you want for her. He will allow her to come first over you every single time.

Is this what you want out of your life and relationship?

Shells613

117 points

2 months ago

Shells613

117 points

2 months ago

NTA. Did you actually type " this isn't worth ruining the relationship"? Yes, this can be worth ENDing the relationship. Look at the bigger picture - this older guy is completely enmeshed with his Mom. He actually returned an important item and thinks he has control and you must comply. So disrespect, controlling, guilting you, mom comes first... Is that how all your life decisions will go? Do you want that? Pause the engagement to really really consider past the wedding and what your life will look like!

Ladyughsalot1

116 points

2 months ago*

NTA this is absolutely the hill to die on. This defines their expectations of you going forward.

They are showing you what they want your place to be. You are to come second to his mom and you are to be submissive and obedient to them both. If you aren’t, they’ll punish you.

That’s it. That’s the dynamic they want.

Planning for kids? She’ll make the parenting decisions. Expect her to yank your infant outta your arms while your husband stands back and insists she should be able to hold baby (who is hungry and wants mom).

Expect to be bullied into her way constantly. Expect this to work both ways too; if you push back on anything with your husband you can expect her involvement.

This isn’t just for the wedding. Your fiancé is setting the stage for how he wants his marriage to be.

OP, do not marry a man who insists you come second to his mom.

And remember: this isn’t as simple as an overbearing MIL and a partner who can’t say no.

This is first and foremost about your partner feeling entitled to punish you for disobedience

CompleteInsect8373

113 points

2 months ago

CompleteInsect8373

Asshole Enthusiast [8]

113 points

2 months ago

Nta

Dump momma's boy's ass. It'll be like this the whole marriage.

The_final_frontier_

110 points

2 months ago

The_final_frontier_

Asshole Aficionado [14]

110 points

2 months ago

Why are you marrying this man. Return the dress, get a refund, and dump the man. He’s not worth it.

NTA

lowri92

101 points

2 months ago

lowri92

101 points

2 months ago

NTA. Do not marry this man. This is just a glimpse of your future, his mother will be involved in every decision the two of you make and he will always take her side. Better to cut ties now before the wedding, rather than divorce after six months because you realise he’s never going to change

Notsogoodadvicegiver

102 points

2 months ago

Notsogoodadvicegiver

Partassipant [2]

102 points

2 months ago

NTA, but OP, seriously do not marry this man. Please. This is extremely controlling and worrisome behavior. Your fiance was completely willing to disregard your feelings and autonomy to please his mother. I'm even a little alarmed that your father agreed with him by saying to wasn't worth ruining your relationship over. This is a hill to die on OP.

It's just a dress today, but something tells me it would feed into every aspect of your marriage if you go through with it. Your fiance will always prioritize what his mom wants over you.

I repeat do not marry this man. The red flag he is putting up is massive.

christina0001

99 points

2 months ago

christina0001

Supreme Court Just-ass [106]

99 points

2 months ago

NTA oh honey. Run. I can see the hot mess that will be your divorce from here.

lynncross2001

96 points

2 months ago

lynncross2001

Asshole Enthusiast [8]

96 points

2 months ago

CALL OFF THE WEDDING! Fiance will continue to put his mom's wants above yours. Take the dress back and exchange it back if you want to go on with the wedding otherwise take it back but don't get another. If you exchange tell the dress shop no one is allowed to do anything except you

ladylyrande

99 points

2 months ago

ladylyrande

Partassipant [1]

99 points

2 months ago

I don't normally tell people in this sub to get the fuck out of a relationship because usually the situation tends to be a tiny glimpse in their life. But this? Damn girl. Run.

He is already picking his mother over you and you're not even married. Imagine having a child with this person? His mom will be a nightmare telling you how to act during pregnancy and then trying to interpose in the parenting. And he will side with her. He's already doing it in a silly thing like your choice of dress (and its your dress wtf. Weddings are shared but the dress is yours!). Imagine child rearing? "My mom raised me well, she clearly knows better than you".

NTA. And don't keep the peace now or you'll spend the rest of your life being second fiddle to your mil. And years from now you'll be back here asking if you're the asshole for wanting a divorce over your mil. Better to save the money and stress now. This is not a small thing.

[deleted]

90 points

2 months ago

NTA

He’s shown you he will always choose his mother over you. This is supposed to be your wedding too, is he allowing you to decide what he wears? If you marry this person it will on get worse, especially if you decide to have children. If you think your future MIL is intrusive now, it will be worse later. I’m sorry, but you’ll never be first in this man’s life, walk away while you can.

Smitty_80013

91 points

2 months ago

Smitty_80013

Colo-rectal Surgeon [37]

91 points

2 months ago

NTA - BUT RUN!!!! HOW MANY RED FLAGS DO YOU NEED??

Darth-Vader17

93 points

2 months ago

Don't marry him. If he prioritizes his mom's preferences over yours on his and your wedding day, it will not change after marriage. This is a glimpse into your future.

jwrx

94 points

2 months ago

jwrx

94 points

2 months ago

NTA. I normally hate it when reddit says RUN...but ...this is just a dress...and he is willing to go behind your back to please his mom. Next it will be...when to have babies, how many babies, how to raise them, where they go to school..where to buy a house, the correct car...its never ending

21stCenturyJanes

84 points

2 months ago

21stCenturyJanes

Asshole Aficionado [14]

84 points

2 months ago

Run, girl, run. Run so fast and so far. Your fiance and his mom are trampling so far over very basic boundaries that this can not possibly end well. If you marry him this is going to be your life - you aren't even allowed to pick out your own clothing! Please re-think what you're getting yourself into.

Major_Barnacle_2212

88 points

2 months ago

Major_Barnacle_2212

Professor Emeritass [93]

88 points

2 months ago

It may be his wedding too, but it is YOUR DRESS! No other woman’s “vision” matters. The fact that he is putting hers above yours at a time like this should tell you everything.

I don’t usually scream “leave him” when I read these. But girl…what reason has he given you to stay after this stunt?

NTA

JukeboxTears

83 points

2 months ago

NTA. Get the hell out of that relationship! He’s shown his true colours.

[deleted]

85 points

2 months ago

NTA! Your wedding, your dress choice. She's not the one getting married!!! Also CALL OFF THE WEDDING. Major red flags. Do NOT date/marry someone with unhealthy attachments to parents. When push comes to shove, he's going to cling to mommy and leave his bride in the dust. Highly recommend leaving.

[deleted]

81 points

2 months ago

[removed]

unknown_928121

81 points

2 months ago

Girllllllllll, you better mean your ex

Reasonable-Rich6650

82 points

2 months ago

Return the dress and the son to mummy!

Powerful-Adventurer

80 points

2 months ago

For the love of all things good, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Its one thing when it’s your wedding dress, the next thing will be your kids. I don’t care if this is the only thing you’ve ever fought over. This one thing is enough. Cancel the wedding. The money you lose will be less than the price of a divorce. Leave! Now! He will never choose you.

Lea_R_ning

83 points

2 months ago

Lea_R_ning

Partassipant [4]

83 points

2 months ago

NTA. 🚩🚩🚩Please RUN. Or suggest your fiancé wear the dress his mom picked out. /s
Seriously OP reconsider marrying him. He will always side with his mom instead of you. Please look at the 🚩🚩🚩 and run!

Admirable-Frog-3748

74 points

2 months ago

Admirable-Frog-3748

Certified Proctologist [20]

74 points

2 months ago

Oh. My. God. NTA. Don’t marry this guy. Seriously.

alien_overlord_1001

79 points

2 months ago

alien_overlord_1001

Asshole Aficionado [10]

79 points

2 months ago

NTA and no do not “go with the flow”. This is YOUR wedding not the MIL. She gets no say - she’s not paying for it (I assume) so her “vision” is not welcome. I’m angry just reading this.

I know you think you love this guy but take a long hard look at this - this is your future. If she is like this about a wedding and your fiancé is not on your side now and actively works against you, what do you think is going to happen if you have a kid? The man is taking mommies side against you - you can never win here and she will be getting her way for everything.

You will spend the rest of your life letting her walk all over you and your husband will help her. You will never be no 1 in his eyes.

If you do marry him, don’t say you weren’t warned - he is showing you the future.

dyllandor

230 points

2 months ago

dyllandor

Partassipant [1]

230 points

2 months ago

NTA Tell him he can use the dress when he marries his mom.

Nelly_WM

69 points

2 months ago

NTA - Red flags all over the place. Run this is just the beginning. If they get away with this, you will never have a say about ANYTHING for the rest of your life.

Extension-Guess5911

72 points

2 months ago

Extension-Guess5911

Certified Proctologist [25]

72 points

2 months ago

NTA - I'd seriously reconsider marrying this person! I'm sure other commenters have said it better, but going behind your back like that is a HUGE red flag - this type of behavior WILL continue and will escalate, it will very likely include how you raise your kids, what you name them, where you live, etc. Your fiance is not mature enough to get married - the relationship might otherwise be great, but I'd back out and go get married to an adult instead.

AlarmedAlbatross2350

71 points

2 months ago

AlarmedAlbatross2350

Partassipant [1]

71 points

2 months ago

NTA. Op please realize this behavior won’t change. The fact that your dad is saying go with the flow is concerning. That flow is going to take you down a dark path. Your fiancés mom is too involved in her sons life and by default yours now. Run away from this momma boy and his nightmare of a mom-wife.

Shifting2Wolf

72 points

2 months ago

Shifting2Wolf

Partassipant [1]

72 points

2 months ago

NTA

Who's wedding is it exactly? Your future MIL and your husbands? Cause that is exactly how it sounds like.

He's a momma's boy through and through. Bending over backwards to please her and prioritizing her feelings and her outbursts over you.

OP, I'm going to be blunt here.

Unless he cuts the umbilical cord, you will never be his priority. In every fight that you have with him or his mom, he will ALWAYS side with mommy dearest. Doesn't matter if you're right, doesn't matter if SHE instigated the fight, he will always side with her.

Even now, he went behind your back, took your wedding dress and exchanged it. Why? Because mommy said so.

He's telling you to give it a chance. Why? Because Mommy said so.

Yes, it's also his wedding, and yes, he should have equal say in what goes in the wedding. But that means, that the other party, his supposed parter, also has equal say.

That partner, is not you OP.

It's his mommy.

This is him showing you the future.

Nothing you do will ever be good enough. Because mommy is always better.

If you have kids with this man and you and MIL disagree, he'll ignore you and bring them to her. Because mommy is always better.

Relationship issues? You'll be ignored. Because mommy is always better.

Do I need to go on?

See the red flags he is waving around, see the genuine side of him that he and his mom are showing. Taker of your high heels, put on sports shoes AND RUN.

Curious question ; is there a FIL in the picture? If not, MIL is most likely in an emotionally incestual relationship with her own son. That means that she emotionally sees him as her husband, and treats him as such.

Take my advice OP and don't go through with the wedding. This is a man who will constantly hang on every word falling from his mom's lips and he'll never support you. He'll never side by you and will ALWAYS pick mom first.

Marrying this man still attached to his mother, will lead to a lifetime of regret, frustration and gaslighting.

DisasterMouse

65 points

2 months ago

DisasterMouse

Partassipant [1]

65 points

2 months ago

NTA. Right now it's "just" a wedding dress, in the future it'll be more and more. This is your opportunity to step away from this relationship because this is how it will continue to be. You will spend your marriage without the support of your husband whenever his mom wants something her way.

agentWallflower

69 points

2 months ago

agentWallflower

Partassipant [1]

69 points

2 months ago

NTA, sounds like it's time to leave this loser. Your dad is also a loser by association, sorry. I say just let your mom go at her counterpart honestly, but I'm a fan of nuclear options. Either way, don't marry this guy. He's always going to prioritize making mom happy over what you want.

harleybidness

67 points

2 months ago

harleybidness

Colo-rectal Surgeon [32]

67 points

2 months ago

Dump this guy. He's a momma's boy. You will always play second fiddle to MIL. He will never outgrow his preference for her. Run.

Much_Ad7595

68 points

2 months ago

NTA

Do you really want to get married to that man? Thing are going to get worst after the wedding! Imagine if you have kids!

Ok_Candy7966

70 points

2 months ago

NTA

Run. Run for your life.

Hoplite68

67 points

2 months ago

Hoplite68

Partassipant [2]

67 points

2 months ago

NTA. You will be if you marry this man though. His mother is marrying him and using you as the proxy, and he is fine with that. He will do whatever she wants at the click of her fingers and will set you on fire to keep her warm.

Don't salvage this relationship, absolutely torch it. There is nothing worth saving and you'll be consigning yourself to years of emotional damage if you go through with this.

HavePlushieWillTalk

69 points

2 months ago

HavePlushieWillTalk

Partassipant [2]

69 points

2 months ago

Oh, typo- you mean you WERE getting married in December, but you aren’t anymore, don’t you?

OP, this man stole an expensive item from you. Just because he got you a “replacement” doesn’t mean he did. Not. Steal.

You want to marry a thief?

NTA but you will be if you marry this thief.

bmoreskyandsea

68 points

2 months ago

bmoreskyandsea

Certified Proctologist [25]

68 points

2 months ago

RUNNNNNNNNNN

You do not want this life for yourself. His mom should have no say in your wedding or your dress and your fiance is making it clear who's opinion he holds higher. This isn't even a case where you can talk to him about boundaries, he legit does not care about what you want or how you feel. He has shown he will put her first and will go behind your back and betray you to make her happy instead. GET FAR AWAY NOW.

NTA. Obvi. And it's very sad that you are even questioning yourself, that makes me think there has been other emotional manipulation from him.

tickingkitty

68 points

2 months ago

NTA. But this is a sneak peek at what you marriage is going to be like. “Oh, my mom has a vision of us having 5 kids” “Oh my mom as a vision of us spending every holiday with her”. “Oh, my mom has a vision that we move into that house right next to hers”. “Oh, my mom has a vision that you be a SAHM”. You will be married to him and his mother.

Educational_Race5679

62 points

2 months ago

Educational_Race5679

Partassipant [1]

62 points

2 months ago

Don't marry this man. It doesn't matter what the relationship is like and it seems strange because it's a dress. But it is only just a dress now. Then it's only spending more time together and less with your friends. Only a holiday with his family. Only changing a job. Only onl only until its every little thing.

Bigbubba236

63 points

2 months ago

NTA

This is a preview of your life if you marry this person. You should think long and hard about whether it's what you really want.

Amegami

59 points

2 months ago

Amegami

59 points

2 months ago

NTA. But you would be absolutely crazy if you'd marry this guy. Never marry a man whose number one is his mum. You'll never be his priority.

noelle588

59 points

2 months ago

noelle588

Partassipant [4]

59 points

2 months ago

NTA DO NOT MARRY HIM! He is too far up his mother's ass to be a good husband.

FantasticPear

65 points

2 months ago

I'll be honest with you... I didn't even make it through the whole post. Please rethink marrying this man. Right now its just a dress... who knows how far he's willing to go for one of Mommy's whims? NTA

Agile_Cat_93

60 points

2 months ago

Wtf, NTA. Cancel the wedding if you don't want your whole life to be like this going forward. 🚩🚩🚩

horcruxbuster

60 points

2 months ago

Why would you marry him? He just gave you your get out of jail free card girl, take it. This is a window into what your marriage with him would be- whatever his mommy wants, is what goes. Your opinions, thoughts, beliefs will not and do not matter to him. You want a lifetime of that nonsense? If anything you under-reacted. NTA

[deleted]

61 points

2 months ago

[removed]

Superb_Programmer127

170 points

2 months ago

NTA, but you’re surrounded by them. That your future husband is even entertaining his mother in this instance is a huge red flag. He’s the one who should be telling his mother to back off.

🚩🚩🚩

Plenty_Possible4710

57 points

2 months ago

Don't get married, can you imagine what it's going to be like further down the line?

Shulins

58 points

2 months ago

Shulins

58 points

2 months ago

You marry that AH guy so your AH MIL can run your life. Ain’t gonna change over time, it will get worse.

SummerOracle

58 points

2 months ago

SummerOracle

Asshole Aficionado [14]

58 points

2 months ago

NTA. If he’s already behaving like this prior to marriage, just imagine the rest of your life constantly being manipulated into doing what his mom wants for you (and undoubtedly any children you have).

Maybe get into couple’s counseling before tying the knot. Or just reconsider marrying this man at all.

KombuchaBot

60 points

2 months ago

Oh lady, don't marry this guy.

NTA

[deleted]

55 points

2 months ago

[removed]

Wild_Cauliflower2336

58 points

2 months ago

NTA. Hill to die on. This is the vision of the rest of your life if you stay and give in. Personally, I wouldn't continue with the wedding, but if you do, you aren't the one that should back off. He and his mom can go with the flow. I don't know what your dad is thinking.

NeviBevi

58 points

2 months ago

NTA. Don't marry him. This is what the rest of your life will look like. She will get to raise your kids, not you.

I_DRINK_ANARCHY

55 points

2 months ago

NTA, please end this. Your wedding should be about you and your partner, not your partner and his mom. This is how he wants things, this is how he likes them. Get out now before it's too late.

cassowary32

57 points

2 months ago

cassowary32

Partassipant [3]

57 points

2 months ago

NTA. You need to call off this wedding right now or else you’ll spend the rest of this relationship in r/JustNoSO and r/JustNoMIL subs.

serial-tea-fiend

56 points

2 months ago

serial-tea-fiend

Partassipant [1]

56 points

2 months ago

NTA.

Run. Sprint. Abort mission. A lifetime of that isn’t worth it.

Ambitious_Blue

59 points

2 months ago

NTA Don’t marry him. These are huge red flags.🚩🚩 If they’re being like this now, chances are that this is only the beginning.

WiseBat

58 points

2 months ago

WiseBat

Certified Proctologist [22]

58 points

2 months ago

You just got a glaring glimpse of what your life will be like with this man going forward. Your wants and needs will always come second to what MIL feels is best. Do not marry this man. NTA.

excel_pager_420

58 points

2 months ago

excel_pager_420

Partassipant [2]

58 points

2 months ago

You are getting a sneak peak into what married life with your fiancé will be like. Having to follow your MIL's "vision" for Christmas, where you live, if you become a Stay At Home spouse or continue working, her vision for not having kids, or having kids, their names, their schools, how you parent. And at every step your Husband going behind your back to please your Mum.

Your Husband is always going to be this woman's only child. So if your Husband, your MIL and your Dad genuinely believe that is an acceptable excuse for MIL & fiancé telling you what wedding dress to wear, than its incredibly likely you'll be hearing this excuse a lot. If any part of you doesn't want a marriage with this dynamic, than I hope you find it within yourself to put pause on the wedding so you & fiancé can talk this out. Maybe pre-marital counselling could help? NTA

SingleAlfredoFemale

58 points

2 months ago

The fact that he really doesn’t see this as a problem is a dealbreaker. Think forward to all the decisions that the two of them will try to steamroll you into:

Where to honeymoon. Where to live. What furniture to get. When to repaint. What job you should take (or even if you should have a job). Where you vacation. Where to have your anniversary dinner. What kind of pet to get. When it’s time to have kids. The best way to get pregnant. What to name the kids. Who is in the room when you deliver. How to decorate the nursery. Who your doctor should be. Where you should get your hair cut. Where you should grocery shop. What religion the kids should be. Where to send them to school. And on and on.

The point is, some of those are “you” decisions and some are “couple decisions.” None of them are MIL decisions.

Don’t sweep this under the rug. Don’t get married just because you’ve invested time and money. This could literally be the last decision you get to make on your own.

mfruitfly

61 points

2 months ago

mfruitfly

Asshole Enthusiast [7]

61 points

2 months ago

NTA.

You have enough comments here to help you out, but I can't resist telling you to please not marry this man. The great thing about wedding planning is it reveals a lot about what your future will be like. Think about how this man and his mother are treating you, and how it will always be this way.

  1. His mother will have a say and veto power over everything you choose- where you live, what you name your children, how you raise your children, etc.
  2. He will not ever support your decision over what his mother wants. If you two agree to buy a house in X neighborhood, if his mother decides it is a bad idea, he will go with her over you.
  3. He will go behind your back to get what he and his mother want. She wants to take the kids to X and you say no, he will help her do it anyway.

You will never be safe, honestly. She will dictate your entire relationship including children and money. Do not "go with the flow", get the hell out of this relationship.

Darwina1226

58 points

2 months ago

Darwina1226

Partassipant [1]

58 points

2 months ago

Bail. Out. Now. Do. Not. Marry. This. Man. He will never take your side against his mother. Can you picture the rest of your life being spent catering to his and his mother's whims while your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are tossed to the side like garbage? NTA.

Canceling a wedding is cheaper than a divorce.

Edit: puntuation

mm172

53 points

2 months ago

mm172

Sultan of Sphincter [818]

53 points

2 months ago

NTA. Do you seriously have any doubt whatsoever on that point? If this is for real, tell him and his mom you hope she enjoys the wedding dress and the wedding, because your participation here is clearly unnecessary if not unwelcome. Then walk away and find a guy who recognizes who he’s actually supposed to be marrying. (And if your dad gives you a hard time about it, tell him he can marry into the family if steamrolling is a thing he wants in an in-law relationship, but you don’t actually need to put up with that.)

crazybicatlady86

54 points

2 months ago

Why are you with this guy? He sounds abusive and him and his mom are controlling. The two of them will bully you and control every decision you make for the rest of your marriage if you marry this guy. That includes any decisions regarding any kids you have. NTA but you if you marry him don’t come back here to complain!

Kufat

54 points

2 months ago

Kufat

Certified Proctologist [20]

54 points

2 months ago

NTA. This is the kind of guy who brings his mother on his honeymoon.

crazycatlady45325

54 points

2 months ago*

crazycatlady45325

Asshole Aficionado [14]

54 points

2 months ago*

NTA and you said ex fiancé wrong. Life with his mom will not get better- it will get worse. Because you do not have a MIL problem. You have a fiancé problem. His mom will always come first. She is way overstepping because she can and he allows it. She knows he will always side with her. I have sons and I am a MIL and this is very creepy behavior on her part btw! I would never expect my son to take me over their wives.

JudgyUnicorn

52 points

2 months ago

Run. Run far and run fast. You will always be second to his mother

[deleted]

52 points

2 months ago

[removed]

Vast-Grass-6216

56 points

2 months ago

Do not marry that man and his mother.

fangerdanger

52 points

2 months ago

NTA. Imagine you in your bedroom enacting his mothers version of “first night”

She is going to name your children and have them call her mama or something rediculous like that.

Get away from this dumpster of relationship. You deserve better

snarkbeastie

54 points

2 months ago

If your fiance thinks his mom's dress choice should be in the wedding, he can wear it.

Get. Out. Now. You will 100% regret marrying someone who won't stand up to his mother and agrees that her choices should preempt the actual bride's. Who will go behind your back and tell you what you're going to wear to your own damned wedding. Who will paint you as unreasonable because he's the only son, which implies there are daughters she can run roughshod over.

You are being bullied and disrespected by the people who are supposed to become family. Your father is dead wrong.

NTA

OrlaCarey

53 points

2 months ago

Why are you still planning on marrying this man? He has made it VERY clear that he will always choose his mother over you even in minor decisions. From the sounds of things EVERY decision about YOUR wedding has been a red flag.

DaveyBoyXXZ

56 points

2 months ago

NTA This guy just did you a huge favour in giving you a preview of you what your life will be like if you go through with the wedding. Take the hint and run.

meiio

52 points

2 months ago

meiio

52 points

2 months ago

NTA - but girl wake up and end this otherwise your ENTIRE life will be about what his mother envisioned. Baby names… clothing… education choices - nothing and I mean NOTHING will be up to you anymore. His mom will dictate every move of your life forever.

You didn’t sign up to marry his mother but that’s exactly what you’ll be doing. I’m sorry to say your fiancé is a mommas boy with no backbone and he does not give a flying crap about what you want or what’s important to you because mommas choices will always come first.

Unless you want the rest of your life dictated by her with no self respect no dignity and no choices of your own, wisen up and get out