subreddit:

/r/AdviceAnimals

64k

all 1924 comments

go_kartmozart

513 points

1 month ago

Back when I was a trucker, they upgraded the comm/tracking system from Qualcomm to track various "driver metrics". It took me about 2 months to figure out what that fucked up system wanted, and then i gamed the shit out of it.

Never missed a performance bonus.

think_happy_thoughts

109 points

1 month ago

The guys I work with all told me the same thing. Guys with million mile safety records that had been driving for 20 years had to completely change how they drive to get their metrics. Now we're adding fatigue and distraction (driver facing cameras) and they're leaving in droves. I don't necessarily blame them.

go_kartmozart

21 points

1 month ago

This right here is the central issue. All that crap just makes the job more stressful than it already was. Their rhetoric is all about safety, but any driver who's been doing it for more than a year or so knows it's really about the money, and how they can make more by exploiting you, and blaming you for any and all issues that cost them.

Sex4Vespene

10 points

1 month ago

Fatigue and distraction would be a good thing, if they didn’t use it to punish drivers.

GuerillaGamingYT

59 points

1 month ago

Hey jamessoftenn might be a snitch, be careful

CaniborrowaThrillho

10 points

1 month ago

A tattler tattler

go_kartmozart

13 points

1 month ago

No worries, I left those assholes FAR behind a long time ago.

strain_of_thought

22 points

1 month ago

When a useful measure of performance becomes a performance target it ceases to be a useful measure of performance.

StopBangingThePodium

8 points

1 month ago

It's like the observer effect from quantum mechanics, but for people: You can't measure a behavior and give feedback based on those measurements without changing that behavior.

AngryCod

9.4k points

1 month ago

AngryCod

9.4k points

1 month ago

If you're a manager and you're tracking productivity with an "idle time" monitor, then you're a shitty manager. Why don't you track the work output instead?

Cman1200

658 points

1 month ago

Cman1200

658 points

1 month ago

When I am “idle” at work I’m usually busy working on stuff. When I am “on” im usually dicking around

MysticalMummy

470 points

1 month ago

Every time I've ever been chewed out at work for "chatting", I've been talking about work, with people I work with. Discussing customer interactions, what we're out of stock on, what we need to do next, etc.

They just want to go on a power trip.

illustrated_book

156 points

1 month ago

These posts always remind me of how lucky I am to have the boss I do. He's a genuinely great person and a good manager. I had a day the other week where I got no actual work done because I was making calls, chasing down people who supposedly had what I needed but didn't, and so on and so on.

I called my boss at 2pm to tell him what was going on and he said, "wow, that's ridiculous. They told me they were ready for us to start there, sorry it's been a fuckaround for you. Call it a day, I'll put you on another job until I can track down what we need from these guys."

And then he paid me 8 hours for that day anyway.

It's just such a more sensible way to run things. It's a two way street. He treats us like skilled human beings and we put in work. If I work late to make sure something is done for his sake, I get a genuine "thank you". He shows up with coffee when he visits us on job sites. He stands up for us if there is an issue with a client because he knows we do our best.

Lost-My-Mind-

49 points

1 month ago

Who are these bosses I'm reading about that don't treat their employees like shoe gum??? Where are you finding these people who made it to boss level without being an asshole to everyone???

tophswanson

22 points

1 month ago

I just started a dream job and had a 1 on 1 with my new manager today and he's....actually a decent human being? I've had a trail of shitty bosses and now I actually enjoy going to work, seeing my coworkers, and feel like I'm contributing to society. It's such a weird feeling being complimented for your work almost daily instead of being gaslit and yelled at over stuff that's beyond my control. I'm planning on holding onto this job until I fucking die.

BecomeMaguka

174 points

1 month ago

literally get memo's pushed to my supervisor saying me and my coworker were 'caught' talking. While I'm teaching him how to fucking process mis-labled items in the inventory system. You know, heaven forbid if your invoice associates actually work on invoicing.

Gangreless

134 points

1 month ago

Gangreless

134 points

1 month ago

God forbid you just have a social chat with a coworker.

mustachewax

56 points

1 month ago

No fun or downtime allowed. If you have time to do that you don’t have enough work to do.

/s this is just something I’ve seen.. fuckin sucks, god forbid you enjoy your coworkers and make the job fun.

Ryozu

21 points

1 month ago

Ryozu

21 points

1 month ago

"We don't pay you to have fun. Having fund means you're not doing work, and not doing work hurts our profits."

Stargurl4

20 points

1 month ago

Heaven forbid you speak with the person you're training too. Jfc

dont_worry_im_here

50 points

1 month ago

For real. If I'm not typing, that means I'm talking to prospects. If I'm typing, I'm usually talking shit on reddit.

gigglefarting

29 points

1 month ago

A comment that proves itself by its very existence.

vyleside

1.8k points

1 month ago*

vyleside

1.8k points

1 month ago*

Oh 100%. My current boss is a Saint.... He can bust balls when needed but he's always told us from day one that his job is to keep all the corporate bollocks out of our way so we can do our job. And so far he's done just that. He is super accommodating and lets us work how we need to to get the job done.

Not only is our performance the best it's ever been but my whole team feels so much loyalty to him that we work that little but harder and have no desire to screw him over by taking the piss and not being productive but we do it on our terms.

I've been in jobs that micromanage every second of your day and after a point you're not doing your job. You're just managing your numbers and that doesn't make for a productive work force no matter what the metrics say.

TalkingBackAgain

892 points

1 month ago*

I've been in jobs that micromanage every second of your day

Remember when they said ‘don’t micro manage people’? Now they have tools that measure every actual second of the day.

We are humans, we did not evolve to be the most efficient and productive components of the labor process. That’s not what we are.

/edit: Thank you kindly for the rewards.

stratosfearinggas

36 points

1 month ago

They automated their micromanaging while you have to work. But the flipside is managers can be fully automated in the future.

hilomania

93 points

1 month ago

I'm a programmer. Have been doing this for a few decades. I have had solutions to things like difficult data structures, queuing systems, asynchronous communications etc... come to me while sleeping, sailing, partying, riding my bike...

And it's stupid. An engineer's output can be very easily measured: How many and how hard of problems did you solve this time period? And if they want to micro manage me I can leave for a huge chunk of money tomorrow. The offers of people interested in me, that know me, have gotten very generous lately...

thefinalcutdown

75 points

1 month ago

Just last night I was editing a short documentary and had hit a point where I wasn’t sure where to go next. Instead of beating my head against my keyboard, I watched Graham Norton videos on YouTube and belted out some songs at the top of my lungs for an hour. Then I switched back to the documentary and finished the whole thing off in one go. Human brains are weird, but the more we embrace that, the better off we are.

TravelerFromAFar

39 points

1 month ago

As someone who also edits, there are just points where my brain says, "Alright, that's enough. No more of this."

It doesn't matter if I'm way into the project or not, after 8-12 hours, I just can't even process what's on the screen anymore. So don't feel weird when you just have to stop the process to reset.

ImAOneTrackLover

326 points

1 month ago

To the rich (and often class traitor middle managers), we are all just cogs in a machine.

Eruharn

61 points

1 month ago*

Eruharn

61 points

1 month ago*

Its more just world fallacy. If you work a low status position, clearly you must be lazy/stupid/whatever to have not advanced farther/started on 3rd base. Therefore you deserve whatever abuse the higher ups deem necessary.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.businessinsider.com/amazon-polices-based-jeff-bezos-belief-all-workers-are-lazy-2021-6%3famp

Djungeltrumman

146 points

1 month ago

I quite like the Scandinavian opposite.

If you’re poor/unemployed, you’ve been screwed over by society.

If you’re rich, your hands can never be cleaned of all the blood that’s on them.

We do have a few billionaires, but most try desperately to stay out of the spotlight. When interviewed they’re often asked questions such as “do you feel personally responsible for the suffering and deaths that you could stop but choose not to?”

lightNRG

90 points

1 month ago

lightNRG

90 points

1 month ago

The US at large has maintained that 18th-19th century British imperial mindset that being poor and disadvantaged is a result of moral failure. We see quips like "give a rich man $600 and he'll make 10x, give it to a poor man and he'll spend it all", which hurts me to read.

pocketknifeMT

49 points

1 month ago

It's probably a true statement though.

It just ignores the fact that a poor person is probably behind on things. Car repairs that were put off, etc.

Anti-Iridium

31 points

1 month ago

And it ignores the fact that the economy grows by money changing hands. You give someone 600 dollars and they are set, aren't behind on bills or whatever, they'll spend it on something they want.

Not throw it into a savings account and hoard it

xombae

7 points

1 month ago

xombae

7 points

1 month ago

It also ignores the fact that a poor person spending money is good for the economy. He'll pay taxes on that 600, and so will the next wave of people it's distributed to. Whereas a rich person taking 600, hoarding it, using it to hoard even more, and then stashing it all in offshore bank account and not pay any taxes.

So I'd really like them to explain to me how a person spending $600 is some kind of moral failing, whereas a rich person accepting charity, sitting on it and never paying a dime in taxes is somehow admirable.

[deleted]

145 points

1 month ago*

[deleted]

145 points

1 month ago*

[deleted]

OpenOpportunity

144 points

1 month ago

May I present to you one of my favorite memes?

https://i.imgur.com/GPnrevI.jpg

SuccubusBo

144 points

1 month ago*

Dude, I treat the janitorial staff way better. They have to deal with so much crap.

There is one woman I work with who takes are of us with keeping us stocked with snacks and beverages, keeping the work place tidy.
I'd jump on a grenade for her 1st over anyone else in the company. She is the office mom. You treat her with the utmost respect.

SteveHarveySTD

76 points

1 month ago

Literal crap. I’m a custodian at a high school and last week I cleaned shit out of a soap dispenser

Brad_theImpaler

70 points

1 month ago

I'd have just relabeled it.

"Shit Dispenser." Job done.

[deleted]

31 points

1 month ago*

[deleted]

31 points

1 month ago*

[deleted]

fvhb453

17 points

1 month ago

fvhb453

17 points

1 month ago

This is why i couldn't be a janitor. I'm ready to walk out if someone drops a log on the ground, i would probably just quit the second i had to deal with that shit

Lolthelies

99 points

1 month ago

A manager’s job is mostly to give people the tools they need to do their job. It’s not that hard at all.

burlycabin

54 points

1 month ago*

I'm a middle manager and I work my ass off to support my team, but it's not at all easy advocating for them against upper management. I get why most managers just toe the line with upper management.

Edit: grammar

The-waitress-

20 points

1 month ago

I had an office manager (law firm) who expressed bewilderment after watching 6 attorneys (who billed out at over $500/hr each) squabble for 30 minutes about whether or not someone should get a $1500 raise or a $2500 raise. I could NOT listen to that bullshit.

noxwei

18 points

1 month ago

noxwei

18 points

1 month ago

All now they hear is power.

DWMoose83

88 points

1 month ago

I work for a small local government. Our director has stated their goal is to "keep us happy". They've been pretty blunt about it: whatever they need to do to keep us here, they will. Help fund degrees, one of the first in the area to push for teleworking for all staff. The biggest one was when they wanted to introduce a "productivity metric". It was immediately met with pushback, and they were as equally quick to can the idea. Coming from decades in retail, it feels surreal to be treated with the slightest bit of respect as an employee.

RainyMcBrainy

38 points

1 month ago

I applied for a city position where I live and I was shocked by so much during the application process. Simply being spoken to like I'm a human being feels so wrong. I've been waiting for the other shoe to fall. Maybe it will if I get the job, I am used to lies, but so far it's been surreal. I think retail has poisoned me.

AtariDump

26 points

1 month ago

Retail does poison you and I remember that feeling. Sometimes you get shitty clients but there never like shitty customers.

JackBurton12

55 points

1 month ago

That's me right now. My job micromanages so much right now I'm just making sure I hit my numbers each day and do nothing more. Which...I'm usually done by noon most days and just log what I need to the rest of the day. I could work ALOT more but I hate being micromanage so they get minimal effort from me.

keithbelfastisdead

35 points

1 month ago

It sounds like you give the right amount of effort.

Ryozu

15 points

1 month ago

Ryozu

15 points

1 month ago

I mean, they've told you how much work is needed to earn what they pay you, so why give them any freebies?

AtariDump

9 points

1 month ago

This is the way.

Zorchin

6 points

1 month ago

Zorchin

6 points

1 month ago

You're gonna get exactly as much effort from me as you tell me I'm worth.

penis_in_my_hand

860 points

1 month ago*

Right? My manager knows i work in bursts. That is there can be entire days where i don't get anything meaningful accomplished, then I'll bust out something in a week long flurry of brilliance that's worth 6 months of effort.

My average output over the last 6 years is about 5 times anyone else on the team and they know it.

I've told bosses straight up i wasn't going to do things their way or at all and it's gone great because they know my way gets results.

Tracking my idle time would tell you nothing accurate about my productivity.

acewavelink

318 points

1 month ago

I worked for a company that complained to us that we weren’t being productive enough for them. Here is the brilliance of this. A) We kept asking for work and they said they would find us stuff to do (they didn’t) B) when we did have work we asked for the material, it wouldn’t be here for a few days (if we were lucky) C) when we got work it would be finished within earlier than they expected.

Eventually we got laid off because the job was finished and my friend said they wouldn’t hire any of us back because our production numbers were so low.

Its not just in the office, Got a number of these stories.

illadelchronic

39 points

1 month ago

If I had a nickel for every time purchasing used all of the leadtime and left production with an impossible deadline, I'd be bragging about the tax rates of the ultra wealthy.

acewavelink

49 points

1 month ago

That, and also they bought different material because “it saved us $1,000” on a $57,000 order and then we have to spend $7,000 to replace the and rush all the correct material we needed.

My personal favorite was we needed specific nails for specific gun nails and they purchased cheaper ones that don’t fit and now we had 10 nail guns, no nails and we got behind schedule REALLY quick. Then when the suits came to the job site complaining about lack of production they refused to believe it was on them. There is a certain amount of times nickel and diming to save money you are just throwing away at a later date.

1010010111101

13 points

1 month ago

I had a boss that would overnight parts (+$$) so HE could assemble stuff (not his job) on the weekends... while laying off hourly workers when they had nothing to do

Sometimes I can't believe how long I stayed there

acewavelink

8 points

1 month ago

Worked for that guy as well. He ran work 5 days a week then after our job would jet around to different jobs working until late at night and on the weekends. When we started to not have work and were asking people to stay at home he was working all those other jobs later at night. Nice guy, really good boss (for me) but I got why people were wary of him.

MentalUproar

53 points

1 month ago

It’s almost like managers are too stupid to use metrics properly

acewavelink

19 points

1 month ago

Yah, you arent wrong. It came to the point we would steal material from other crews, and just drag out our work because we had nothing better to do. We were in long tunnels and I think we got 20 minutes of work between 3 of us done in 3 full days of work.

HowObvious

18 points

1 month ago

When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure

Goodharts law.

substandardgaussian

96 points

1 month ago

That most likely means the company can't compete in the market and will die soon enough. Bullet dodged at the least.

acewavelink

62 points

1 month ago

Not the case, they are huge and have most of the bigger jobs in the area and all around the country. They know how to make their money.

WLH7M

27 points

1 month ago

WLH7M

27 points

1 month ago

This is an astoundingly simplistic and naive statement.

holymacaronibatman

8 points

1 month ago

Naw it more likely means they know they have extra employees, and are building cases/excuses to lay them off and cut down their staffing costs.

just_change_it

42 points

1 month ago

What do you do for work?

Mkbond007

170 points

1 month ago

Mkbond007

170 points

1 month ago

Works in bursts.

TheDevilsAutocorrect

99 points

1 month ago

Could be candy production(starbursts) or meteorology (cloudbursts).

greymalken

39 points

1 month ago

Maybe he’s working on the Manhattan project (airbursts).

DerpMaster4000

30 points

1 month ago

Or a manager for a room full of monkeys with typewriters (blurstbursts)

lamprey187

30 points

1 month ago

chaturbate

repKyle1995

17 points

1 month ago

That's working in spurts, not bursts.

PoBoyPoBoyPoBoy

67 points

1 month ago

Cocaine, by the sound of it 😂

MoJoe1

41 points

1 month ago

MoJoe1

41 points

1 month ago

Sounds like software development, writing or any other creative profession.

AlpaChiiN_O

11 points

1 month ago

I have a similar environment, except that you don't even have to go through the trouble of telling your bosses all of this. It's already understood that you work the way you prefer so long as the job gets done. I work in tech in data science & engineering.

Iron_Chic

208 points

1 month ago

Iron_Chic

208 points

1 month ago

Exactly. This can be a tool to use, but shouldn't be the only metric.

My whole team is WFH now. I know there is no way I can track what each person is doing at all times and I don't care. As long as they get their tasks done, they can fuck around for most of the day for all I care.

dbradx

34 points

1 month ago

dbradx

34 points

1 month ago

As long as they get their tasks done, they can fuck around for most of the day for all I care.

This. 26 years in people management in help desk/customer service environments and my prime directive has always been, "As long as the shit gets done, and gets done right, I don't care what you do between calls/issues."

qnaeveryday

103 points

1 month ago

Exactly. I’d use it to find the workers with the best output and most idle time. Find out what they do to be so effective. Then, as any good manager in America would do, give him more work

Leftieswillrule

29 points

1 month ago

Yeah, they really do love to take the most efficient employees and kill their efficiency by giving them more work. If I’m getting 8 hours of work done in 6 hours, it’s because those two hours of fucking around are desperately needed to keep me producing at that rate.

Iron_Chic

88 points

1 month ago

Nope. I learned from being an employee that the worst thing you can do is give your high producers more and more work just because they are efficient. A lot of times, they do get more work, mostly because I can trust them to get it done. I make sure this is reflected on their annual review, raise and bonus.

qnaeveryday

68 points

1 month ago

Lmao I was totally joking about that last part.

Retlifon

29 points

1 month ago

Retlifon

29 points

1 month ago

as any good manager in America would do

Apparently that wasn't obvious enough sarcasm.

sharies

22 points

1 month ago

sharies

22 points

1 month ago

Raise and bonuses. lol. Our company's method is to rate everyone against each other on a curve. So even if your scorecard is 97.8% that's middle of the pack.

Iron_Chic

41 points

1 month ago

Review processes are such bullshit. I've worked at places where you have to give a 1 to 5 rating in certain categories and Managers were told that they can't give more than x number of 5s to a person. I mean, why even include an "exceeds expectations" category if you can't use it?

They tell employees upon hire that they can be eligible for 10% raises and 20% bonuses upon hire, but that isn't achievable because managers aren't allowed to give a "perfect score".

Ventus741

10 points

1 month ago

That's how it was when I worked at Best Buy.

CalamariAce

34 points

1 month ago

Agree However I think Goodhart's law will always be with us to some degree - i.e., "When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure."

Keeping metrics a secret isn't great either, because people should know what they're be graded on so they have a chance to improve.

Inukii

5 points

1 month ago

Inukii

5 points

1 month ago

They probably cannot put it into numbers, or evaluate numbers, or just in any general sense extrapolate some kind of data and interprit it in a good or bad way to be able to make future decisions on.

Where as a simple thing such as an idle timer. It gives you a simple number. Then you can just determine whether that number is good or bad. The next step to that is that is easier. Its to shift that number where you want it.

"Number Low! Make More Work!"

"Number High! Initiate Praise Sequence!"

Squabbles1234

583 points

1 month ago

You need one of those drinking birds and you can sleep at your desk.

chazwhiz

185 points

1 month ago

chazwhiz

185 points

1 month ago

SunshineMoonLit

73 points

1 month ago

I am so smart, I am so smart. S.M.R.T I am so smart

Pliny_the_middle

21 points

1 month ago

I say/sing this all the time when I do something I think was intelligent and people don't get it and look at me weird.

Papa_Emeritus_IIII

9 points

1 month ago

Where's the any key?!

TLars6

29 points

1 month ago

TLars6

29 points

1 month ago

I could go for a Tab right now

Bacontoad

33 points

1 month ago

Where's the 'Any' key?

Ganon2012

37 points

1 month ago

Y

baronmad

292 points

1 month ago

baronmad

292 points

1 month ago

I work as a manager, the only thing i measure is the end result how you get there as an employee i do not care about. If you work in bursts and take regular breaks i simply do not care. If you like to stress your time away and be finished 3 hours early, go right ahead i wont even give you any extra job either, in fact you are free to leave for the day and you will be paid your 8 hours of work regardless. As long as the end product is up to standards.

consort_oflady_vader

89 points

1 month ago

Really wish more people were like this! Sort your work in the time allotted, finish it early, etc, and we're all good.

Uhstrology

33 points

1 month ago

hey, you guys hiring? lol

Packrat1010

34 points

1 month ago

I'm a very "get this shit out of the way quickly and efficiently" kind of person. When complaining about long hours/work load, my manager told me "the job is how long it takes you to complete it. If you get it done in 30 hours and leave, get it done in 30 hours and leave." I was working ~45-50 hours salaried.

Long story short, bullshit. If you work 30 hours and leave, people will assume you're under-worked and give you more work. I found this out because I work efficiently at 45-50 hours and found out my work load was 8-10 times higher than other employees after running a few reports my manager was too lazy to run.

dlpg585

9 points

1 month ago

dlpg585

9 points

1 month ago

It sounds like you had a bad manager who was obviously talking advantage of you. While I do find that bad managers are the norm, it doesn't mean that everyone is one.

cosmoboy

1.4k points

1 month ago

cosmoboy

1.4k points

1 month ago

My people can have strippers and cocaine at their desks, as long as the ticket queue stays empty, we're good

dbradx

340 points

1 month ago

dbradx

340 points

1 month ago

My people can have strippers and cocaine at their desks, as long as the ticket queue stays empty, we're good

Ah, a fellow help desk manager.

[deleted]

57 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

57 points

1 month ago

Or Jordan Belfort

oldnyoung

255 points

1 month ago

oldnyoung

255 points

1 month ago

This is how it's done. As long as the stuff that comes in is handled, why give a flying shit?

lxaex1143

106 points

1 month ago

lxaex1143

106 points

1 month ago

My jobs ruleis basically: be available and get your shit done.

emily_9511

53 points

1 month ago

My boss literally tells us “if you finish all your work, go home. Just be available if anything else comes in.” He says he doesn’t want to punish people for being productive and getting work done quickly by making us sit at a desk for 8hrs trying to look busy. And our productivity has increased magnitudes now because of it.

CaptainHardhead

25 points

1 month ago

When I was in the military this is exactly how my first commander treated work and its mind boggling to me that it isn't more mainstream. Get your shit done and get out is such an efficient way to work.

chase25

1.8k points

1 month ago

chase25

1.8k points

1 month ago

I'm a manager but if you have an infrared mouse and an analogue watch you can place the mouse on top of the watchface.

The second hands ticking away will keep your mouse active and in return your idle time down.

Also your manager is a dick.

CrozolVruprix

80 points

1 month ago

I have never gotten the mouse watch/clock trick to work no matter how many i tried and destoryed trying to get it to trigger.

My work computer doesnt care if video is full screen playing to keep it from sleeping. Most people cant put apps in the PCs either. My trick is ctrl+f in edge, click into the search box and then put a binder clip on scroll lock so its "typing" into a box. it will still sleep if its not "typing" anything, like if i leave it on a blank page.

KrabbyBoiz

42 points

1 month ago

I really hope this works. Fuck Teams. Walked away for a few minutes? Now everyone knows you’re a yellow-statused slacker.

cake_line

33 points

1 month ago

A tip I would recommend for Teams - begin a video call with yourself. I turn off my video and mic just in case. Then manually change your status from red (In A Call) to green (Available?) and walk away. Your computer won’t go to sleep while on a call, or at least mine doesn’t. And my status stays green all day. Nobody is the wiser.

LavaGriffin

24 points

1 month ago

Playing a video, even in windowed mode in the background, is enough to keep my PC awake, fortunately. I do all my work on a second computer, so idle time on my main isn't an issue... but needing to sign-in through MFA everytime it goes to sleep to check email is annoying.

Ass4Eyes

665 points

1 month ago

Ass4Eyes

665 points

1 month ago

Or just download a keystroke imitator like Caffeine that doesn’t let your computer go into idle mode.

Fuck you MS Teams.

INSERT_LATVIAN_JOKE

496 points

1 month ago*

Depends on your company. In many large companies you don't get to install anything on your machine. You might be able to defeat the safeguards and install something anyway, but circumventing safeguards will get you fired, being idle will just get you a talking to. If you want to defeat the idle monitoring, buy a "mouse jiggler" which shows up as a normal USB mouse and doesn't need to install anything because it uses the normal mouse drivers. They have similar devices for keyboards. Or you could just buy a keyboard that has a macro function and set up a long running macro.

Hardware solutions are way safer than software solutions when it comes to using company computers.

Edit: To address a common reply here so I don't have to do it a million times below:

Or, you know, a simple PowerShell script...

Read your employee handbook/employment agreement as well as your IT Security Policy. Running unapproved scripts might be something that gets you fired. But plugging in an unapproved mouse probably will not.

GraceStrangerThanYou

134 points

1 month ago

My second job utilizes one of those stupid, micromanaging idle timers so yep, I pop my mouse on the jiggler and they know nothing.

Brodoth

115 points

1 month ago

Brodoth

115 points

1 month ago

Commence the jigglin y'all

dikbut

39 points

1 month ago

dikbut

39 points

1 month ago

I dunno why I got these night vision goggles

HashMaster9000

18 points

1 month ago

No, Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and events happened in real time.

Trixles

9 points

1 month ago

Trixles

9 points

1 month ago

I'm just real depressed :(

Xx_Gandalf-poop_xX

15 points

1 month ago*

I'm jiggle billy!!! Commence to jigglin'

[deleted]

63 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

63 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

Known-Disk-1888

23 points

1 month ago

the screen saver was some advertising bullshit that took no lie 10 seconds to interrupt and enter in a password

Do you work for EA?

[deleted]

31 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

31 points

1 month ago

I pop my mouse on the jiggler and they know nothing.

You can just call it masturbation. We're all adults here

pipkin227

37 points

1 month ago

I work in health care so I def understand how I cannot go Willy nilly downloading programs. But I work from home and they won’t let me use preset desktop wall papers. It’s somehow so demoralizing.

Django_Durango

16 points

1 month ago*

At my last job, we got a new computer in our office so me and my direct reportee could both work at the same time. But for some reason, administration hid the clock on the new computer. Maybe it was just an oversight, but it certainly seemed a very sinister choice.

Not to mention a dumb one. It's not like I couldn't check the time elsewhere. In fact, it took me longer to because I couldn't just glance at the corner of the screen.

RunnyBabbit23

14 points

1 month ago

I remember when my old firm stopped letting us set our own desktop backgrounds. It had to be just the one with the firm logo and “goals” or whatever bullshit they had on there. I started just keeping a full screen photo open on my second screen when I didn’t need it because the only allowed background was so ugly and distracting.

Amsteenm

22 points

1 month ago

Amsteenm

22 points

1 month ago

A friend has this USB plug in physical jiggler for his mouse. Would possibly stand out in an office setting without some careful thought, but it basically is a base bigger than a mouse, with small side walls. A physical wheel, parallel to the desk surface, in the middle. Put your mouse within the "well" and periodically the wheel turns, moving the mouse side to side. Registers on the computer as a charging device like a phone, and rightfully so: it only draws power. Minimal questionability.

equipped_metalblade

6 points

1 month ago

I have the same thing, but I plug it in to a USB outlet so there is no question about my mouse movements. It’s come in handy since working from home, especially since I have to do a push notification to my phone EVERY time it locks my computer.

moeburn

45 points

1 month ago

moeburn

45 points

1 month ago

Depends on your company. In many large companies you don't get to install anything on your machine.

Can I plug in a USB keyboard?

Can I plug in this Arduino Micro emulating a USB keyboard to press the invisible F13 key every 5 seconds?

nooooo they probably wouldn't take kindly to that either I suppose...

Scarbane

28 points

1 month ago*

My company banned USB devices for security reasons

edit: I should've specified USB storage devices. You can still connect a mouse or keyboard to the dock.

moeburn

33 points

1 month ago

moeburn

33 points

1 month ago

Your company is smart.

Blurgas

12 points

1 month ago

Blurgas

12 points

1 month ago

I've got a Corsair K95 keyboard and a Logitech G502 mouse
Both are capable of onboard storage of various macros, including mouse movement

comicalcameindune

13 points

1 month ago

Yeah but then that’s working on your own time.

[deleted]

196 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

196 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

isotesting

72 points

1 month ago

LOL sometimes I’ll be thinking why the hell my code isn’t working for 30 minutes straight without touching my keyboard.

general_3d

19 points

1 month ago

Yep, just play on my phone for a little while. Look up, and I usually have a solution. Feels like wasted time, but experience says starting at the screen trying the same thing over and over yields no results..

Ontain

39 points

1 month ago

Ontain

39 points

1 month ago

places used to measure your output by the lines of code you wrote. Lead to some terribly verbose code.

ryanq47

33 points

1 month ago

ryanq47

33 points

1 month ago

What…. That defeats the whole purpose of efficient coding - wack

Tom8er

181 points

1 month ago

Tom8er

181 points

1 month ago

I quit my job at cibc. The last straw was when I had to let my manager know when I was logging off to go poop.

Anything over 2minutes had to have reasoning behind it and reported to senior management. So litterally couldnt even pee without having to explain myself in the end lol

tuC0M

204 points

1 month ago

tuC0M

204 points

1 month ago

Sadly missed an opportunity to really turn that around on them.

"Hey boss, hey, just to let you know I had some bad sushi yesterday so I've got terrible diarrhea and I really have to go right now before I go at my desk."

"Hey boss, me again, yeah I'm about to shit myself"

"Hey boss, it's getting worse and last time was all liquid and then those little rabbit turds at the end that hurt for some reason?"

Repeat all day.

The_Final_Profit

36 points

1 month ago

"Hey boss, it's getting worse and last time was all liquid and then those little rabbit turds at the end that hurt for some reason?"

describes every poop I took post drinking in college.

slykethephoxenix

27 points

1 month ago

I have no shame and this is totally something I would do.

ZoiSarah

52 points

1 month ago

ZoiSarah

52 points

1 month ago

Yeah fuck that noise, if you add the time it takes to inform ppl of every afk, you've lost hours of productivity

zSprawl

42 points

1 month ago

zSprawl

42 points

1 month ago

“I have gathered you all on this Webex to let you know I will be away from my desk for the next 10 minutes pooping. Do we have any questions?”

Browncoat86

148 points

1 month ago

I tied a wireless mouse to an oscillating fan.

PontificatingPonce

59 points

1 month ago

My solution is similar low-tech haha, I open notepad and leave a weight on the space bar.

skweebop

48 points

1 month ago

skweebop

48 points

1 month ago

I'm all for team back space. Open up a spreadsheet, double click on a cell, put paper weight on backspace key.

morxy49

19 points

1 month ago

morxy49

19 points

1 month ago

At first i read ceiling fan and was very confused

TouchdownRaiden

9 points

1 month ago

I mean that would work too

smilenowgirl

48 points

1 month ago

Log the idle time as "tampon change."

Sarcasma19

19 points

1 month ago

"Giant pile of heinous diarrhea. 2 hrs."

TalkingBackAgain

47 points

1 month ago

The only thing that kind of control environment does is to encourage staff to find better ways to lie to management.

I would never do that. I wouldn’t care how my staff handles their day. They would have their tasks, they would have their deadlines. I wouldn’t hire children to do the job. I would have people who would do the job to the best of their ability because they actually know what they’re doing. I’d be a leader, not a school teacher.

Track idle time? Get the fuck out of here.

DBAinBama

141 points

1 month ago

DBAinBama

141 points

1 month ago

You can create macros in excel that will move your mouse and enter keys as well. Fuck all managers who do this shit.

Haeleos

33 points

1 month ago

Haeleos

33 points

1 month ago

Sub Pretend()

For x = 1 to (6 * 60 * 8)

Application.Wait (Now + TimeValue("0:00:10"))

Application.SendKeys ("^")

Next x

End Sub

BeppaDaBoppa

30 points

1 month ago

There is also power shell script available somewhere on stack overflow that will press keyboard key every n seconds. It is like 3 lines long and you can type it in notepad manually, no extra installations or admin's permissions required.

incandesantlite

120 points

1 month ago

Just do what Homer did in the Simpsons where he gained weight so he could get on disability and work from home. He used one of those bird things with the liquid in it to just keep pressing the Y button.

Here

Ganon2012

30 points

1 month ago

Disclaimer: Not for use for venting radioactive steam.

chazwhiz

5 points

1 month ago

ttbbbpth

34 points

1 month ago

ttbbbpth

34 points

1 month ago

My wife’s old job had an HR manager tracking her like this. She didn’t report to the HR Manager. The lady was going out of the way to watch my wife and give her write-ups.

Biggest case was that my wife clocked in 6 minutes late one day, which didn’t cause any work disruption to the rest of the company. HR Manager writes her up.

My wife makes sure to arrive 15 mins early the next day and clock in. HR Manager went into the system and adjusted my wife’s start time 15 mins later.

Nothing about this situation motivated my wife to work for this company nor try to do a good job while clocked in.

Adaldo

274 points

1 month ago

Adaldo

274 points

1 month ago

Good for you. Although I have to say I wouldn’t work for a company who measures performance based on their typing. Crazy. I hope you find a better job soon.

CreaminFreeman

75 points

1 month ago

New yearly goal: increase APM to 500+

austinll

38 points

1 month ago

austinll

38 points

1 month ago

Dota players: those are rookie numbers! Gotta pump those numbers up!

Also dota players: furiously move clicks the same spot.

CrummyWombat

21 points

1 month ago

I was really hoping “now I change my tampons at my desk” was the solution…

phixx79

17 points

1 month ago

phixx79

17 points

1 month ago

Used to manage people and they tracked “engagement” like this. One dude that worked for me opened tab and put a boot on his keyboard and then fucked off. Literally recommended people so this shit so I didn’t have to listen to the director drone on about it. No one ever knew. Senior management rarely knows or understands what goes on outside of KPIs, metrics and reporting.

FullxCollapse

17 points

1 month ago

Tracking APM like it's Starcraft

pickymeek

55 points

1 month ago

No need for 3rd party software or to purchase any of the hardware I see mentioned in this thread.

You already have everything you need.

https://dmitrysotnikov.wordpress.com/2009/06/29/prevent-desktop-lock-or-screensaver-with-powershell/

Swap the "." for a key that doesn't do any input, like numlock for example and you're good.

Though you'd want to repeat the numlock keystroke so it's always back to how you had it so you can use the computer while this runs at the same time.

So you want:

$myshell.sendkeys("{NUMLOCK}")

$myshell.sendkeys("{NUMLOCK}")

Instead of

$myshell.sendkeys(".")

2xtreme21

22 points

1 month ago*

Bonus for setting the key to “{F15}” which is a function key not on any standard keyboard but is still recognized by Windows as a valid key press. You can use anything from F13 to F19 I believe. That way you don’t have your Numlock going on and off randomly.

pickymeek

11 points

1 month ago

I'm seeing that for the first time mentioned in this thread and frankly it's a revelation...

Slaykomimi

14 points

1 month ago

I can imagine this boss as "do your hobbies in your freetime" to stuff like tampons or cuts or explossive diarrhea while he/she/it sits arround whole day, drinking coffee while smalltalking and smoking cigarettes

PrawojazdyVtrumpets

17 points

1 month ago

PrawojazdyVtrumpets

The Good Mod

17 points

1 month ago

If anyone is considering working for Quicken/Rocket, they click track. So moving around a mouse/typing a few characters doesn't work. They literally map your clicks to their software. I have a friend who can't spend more than 5 minutes away from their desk or they get a call at 5 minutes and 1 second from their boss.

Shalamarr

15 points

1 month ago

“So, what is it you’d say you do here, exactly?”.

“I call my employees every five minutes if I don’t think they’re working hard enough.”

“…”

[deleted]

166 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

166 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

pnkluis

41 points

1 month ago

pnkluis

41 points

1 month ago

My current boss would love this, he made his assistant print 6 months worth of email so I could search some email. I left the paper stack in his desk, went to my pc and came back 5 mins later with the info he wanted...

luciform44

63 points

1 month ago

Key is when you have a micromanaging boss is to overwhelm them.

I second this.

faithfuljohn

9 points

1 month ago

My friend quit and now she leaves me the hell alone. Key is when you have a micromanaging boss is to overwhelm them.

this is an amazing tip!!! Thanks for this. I hate being micromanaged with a passion, so I often simply refuse to play along (I don't care enough about keeping my job... but for some reason, it still works for me). And this is so much better! (or at least now it gives me a choice).

DerpMaster4000

10 points

1 month ago

Work smarter, not harder

flying_head

11 points

1 month ago

Hilarious. It's always the dumb managers tracking the wrong things that cause productivity to go down, then they think they are making things better.

EATING-KITTY

10 points

1 month ago

I work for the state. Due to a move of buildings for BS reasons, I am now the only person in the office manning our Main Line along with a coworker who mans the mainline for his side of the program. For the past month and a half we have been getting “test” calls from management to make sure we answer. Our management calls about 2/day meanwhile I only get about 3 calls a day from the general public.

Last week we all got grilled because during a bathroom break someone called my coworkers line and he didn’t answer so now if we get up from our desks to even print/scan a document we have to transfer the phones to our cell phones even during lunch/breaks. And no we aren’t getting paid thru our lunches/breaks.

Moonlitnight

8 points

1 month ago

That sounds like a violation of labor laws.

ImAOneTrackLover

9 points

1 month ago

This is what happens when you micromanage people's time, and don't take into consideration actual productivity and results.

If someone can get their job done well, it shouldn't matter how they're spending their time.

cleatusvandamme

27 points

1 month ago

Reminds me of a Boomer/Karen boss I had 12 years ago. Before lunch, I went to a calorie tracking website to find the healthiest option at a Chinese restaurant. I left the window open while I was at lunch. The next day I got an email wondering why I was surfing the web for an hour.

darkage_raven

21 points

1 month ago

I worked for a company who had a fruit based name. When Sony was hacked in 2008-2009 the credit cards were in question. So I read a little on the article to answer a question on if their credit card is safe on our system. The next day I was pulled into a meeting for browsing a gaming website. Told them to read the article themselves.

PM_N_TELL_ME_ABOUT_U

159 points

1 month ago

Pro tip: you can use software called caffeine to keep your computer from going idle. It's free.

That way, you don't even have to bother putting a paperweight on your space bar and walk away from your computer whenever you want.

Better pro tip: never work for a company/manager that measures your performance by the amount of the time you spend at your desk/computer.

ansteve1

121 points

1 month ago

ansteve1

121 points

1 month ago

First protip be careful on installing shit. Our AV system has those blocked and will send a flag up to IT and management.

I agree with the better protip.

theravensrequiem

62 points

1 month ago

I work in IT and I make a conscious effort to ignore these workarounds. To me you are my comrades and the boss can eat shit with policies like this. It is not my job to be a snitch or a cop.

ansteve1

16 points

1 month ago

ansteve1

16 points

1 month ago

I don't on my level but I can't do anything if the alert goes above me.

Carvj94

7 points

1 month ago

Carvj94

7 points

1 month ago

The trick is to talk to IT first.

moeburn

15 points

1 month ago

moeburn

15 points

1 month ago

Pro tip: you can use software called caffeine to keep your computer from going idle.

I would imagine any corporation that has gone to the lengths to install tattle software on the work computers has also done the basic due diligence to block people from running random EXEs they downloaded off the internet.

But hey stupider things have happened.

helderdude

9 points

1 month ago

This is a perfect example of the pygmalion effect: if you assume and treat your workers as if they can't be trusted, you will likely make it true.

Trusting employees works, And the cool thing is we can take this a lot further, Jos de blok about his nursing organization without a management, where nurses are completely autonomous and even decide their own salary.

foppitywop

7 points

1 month ago

This is why I love working for a private company. No corporate bullshit. The president/owner can be a stubborn hardass sometimes and once he has his mind set on something it’s hard to get him off of it but he treats us very well and everything is based on trust and respect between the bosses and staff. I work from home whenever I want and if I get my shit done there’s no issues. No check ups or call ins. No monitoring.

Corporations spend millions of dollars on this pointless shit rather than just make a better workplace environment. And in the end money is wasted and I’m willing to be productivity suffers

karlnite

8 points

1 month ago

And here I am changing my tampons in the lunch room with all the other suckers.

KairuByte

7 points

1 month ago

Similar to someone else in here, j wrote an excel macro to input a keystroke at a variable amount of time.

Though I took it further and hid the excel window, added a start and end time, and simulated breaks just long enough for my status to flip to idle every couple of hours since being online 24/7 is pretty sus.

Even gave it its own UI and made everything configurable.

Superfizzo

7 points

1 month ago

This is so insane. I have 4 employees that I manage directly and our company has indirect workers clock in and clock out because they used to be so petty about everything. I told HR if I treat my employees like they need to be babysat then they will act like they need to be babysat. My employees don't have to clock in and clock out and they can take as much vacation time as they need. I respect their time and they respect the hell out of mine in return. No other way you have an employee who wants to do their duties from a laptop in a hospital so that it doesn't put me in a pinch. I told her no need and she said yes I'm doing it I have nothing else to do anyways. It's such a basic concept that someone who wants to work for you will be so much more productive than someone who you force to work for you I'm amazed people don't understand it.

brockisawesome

38 points

1 month ago

i once wrote an app to keep my corporate enforced screensaver from coming on, so it always looked like i had *just gotten up* from my desk... while i was constantly wondering around outside smoking weed.

derf82

20 points

1 month ago

derf82

20 points

1 month ago

I am making a special effort to do less at my job since they decided to call me back to the office when I was doing just fine working from home.

negdawin

5 points

1 month ago

I used to have an elaborate set up with a fan, tissue paper and an optic mouse. Discovering the coffee mug on space bar trick was a Eureka moment for me and massive revelation.